The Lasting Impact Grandparents Have

Source: Aleksey Martynyuk/Clipart library – iStock

We live in a society that values youth and warehouses its oldsters in “long-term care” facilities. Out of sight, out of mind. Grandparents, naturally, fall into this group. Consequently, there is little research being conducted on the significant role grandparents can play in the lives of their grandchildren.

Grandparents whose grandchildren live with them play an essential role as primary caregivers. That is pretty straightforward. But even grandparents whose grandchildren do not reside with them can relieve the mother by babysitting regularly.

They can also be a source of parenting tips for their sons or daughters who may struggle with caring for a newborn. By trial and error, grandparents have learned natural remedies for the common problems babies experience, such as diarrhea, constipation, colic, fussiness, and the like.

Not all mothers can always be with their newborn and young infant during the first two crucial years. Sometimes a mother or father must leave their child for lengthy periods of time. This can be devastating for an infant who feels abandoned no matter how often you try to explain that mommy will be back in a week.

Another way a baby may not receive full attention from his mother is if she suffers from post-partum depression or addictions.

Most regrettably, there are also women who, for many reasons, did not want to become pregnant and have a child. When the unwanted child is born, she might not be welcome. She is lucky to have her basic needs met but, otherwise, will likely receive little loving care from her mother. There will be a marked deficit in bonding and attachment with subsequent harmful consequences for the child’s physical and mental development.

These are just some life situations in which grandparents can be of invaluable help to their grandson or daughter.

A few years ago, I received the following letter:

My husband and I went to my grandmother's grave for the first time, for she died while we were in British Columbia some years ago. While we were looking for her grave, I heard in my mind a "lullaby"—I've heard bits of this song in my mind all my life, without ever knowing what it is—but it came on very strongly while I was searching for her grave.

When I found her grave, I didn't want my husband near—and I felt embarrassed for feeling that way about him being there, for he had helped me find her grave all that morning. But it felt like I wanted to be alone with her, to plug into that special feeling we had shared together once again.

I knew "she" wasn't in that grave at all—but I still felt these things towards her, and that song was so strong there in my mind. I don't know what that "lullaby" means. It is very gentle music, very light and beautiful, and it just filled that graveyard that day.

Until I met my husband, she was the only person I saw who loved me, from her eyes!

What a beautiful way to speak of bonding and attachment. Bonding is usually understood to refer to a mother’s, father’s, or any other person’s emotional relationship with their child, preferably from conception, but clearly, after birth.

Attachment is the same loving feeling by the child for her mother and others who have shown interest and kindness to the child. A caregiver who is reliably available and responsive to a baby's needs forms the basis for secure attachment, competence in exploring the environment, forming relationships, and developing self-esteem.

Attachment to a grandparent will gradually develop as a result of regularly being hugged, stroked, spoken to in soothing tones, listening to lullabies, and receiving love from the grandparent’s eyes.

Grandparents provide grandchildren a conduit to a family’s past, accomplishments, trials, and tribulations. It is important for children to know their roots and their cultural heritage. Parents are often too busy to talk about such things. Many times, they have forgotten such historical data or want to forget them because they are ashamed of them.

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Scientific studies and anecdotal evidence show what most of us experienced but hardly ever put in words: that typically maternal grandparents are closer to grandchildren than paternal grandparents. Why should that be so? Several factors seem to be responsible.

For one, mothers are generally closer to their mothers than to their mothers-in-law. For that reason, they will often have their mothers present at the birth and to help with the baby once they are home. Thus, a preference has been established from the beginning, which endures.

Having your own daughter going through nine months of pregnancy and giving birth feels very different from having your son become a father, essentially getting a free ride.

Also, many psychologists have remarked on the observation that the relationship between a woman and her mother-in-law is complicated by the fact that many mothers do not approve of the woman their son has married for a variety of reasons such as race, religion, education, social class, age, etc. Mothers want the very best for their children, and the person they marry often does not meet the expectations of the future mother-in-law.

Whether a grandparent lives close by or a distance away will make a difference in how often they can visit and establish a meaningful relationship with their grandchild. Because of the mother’s closeness to her daughter, maternal grandparents tend to live nearer to her than paternal grandparents.

In one study of UK teenagers, the maternal grandmother was the most important family member besides their immediate family. The maternal grandfather was next.

Of course, the attitude of the grandparent will determine the quality of their relationship with their grandchild. Grandparents who want to be involved in the lives of their grandchildren and manage to be respectful of parental roles have the highest likelihood of success. And this is true for both branches of the nuclear family.