How to Reduce Your Self-Esteem in 8 Easy Steps

"Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves." —Nathaniel Branden

Self-esteem is a fundamental aspect of human psychology that influences how we perceive and interact with ourselves and the world around us. One of the first psychologists to describe this concept was William James in 1890, defining it as the relationship between the perceived self, that is “Whom I think I am” and the ideal self “Whom I would like to be”. The greater the discrepancy, the higher the dissatisfaction. This is why it is essential to have cohesion between one's successes and one's aspirations.

Self-esteem shapes our beliefs, emotions, and behaviours, significantly impacting our overall well-being and mental health. Self-esteem refers to the overall evaluation and perception of one's worthiness, capabilities, and value as an individual. It is how we see ourselves and how we believe others perceive us. Healthy self-esteem involves having a positive and balanced view of oneself, recognizing both strengths and weaknesses while maintaining a sense of self-acceptance and self-respect.

The Importance of Self-Esteem

Self-esteem plays a crucial role in various aspects of our lives such as:

• Emotional Well-Being: Having healthy self-esteem fosters positive emotions, resilience, and a sense of inner happiness. It helps us navigate challenges and setbacks with greater confidence and optimism.
• Relationships: Self-esteem influences our relationships with others. When we have a healthy self-image, we are more likely to form and maintain healthy, fulfilling connections. It enables us to set boundaries, communicate effectively, and engage in mutual respect.
• Achievement and Success: Healthy self-esteem contributes to our motivation, determination, and ability to pursue our goals. It provides the belief that we are capable of success, empowering us to take risks and persevere through obstacles.

Factors That Influence Self-Esteem

• Early Experiences: Childhood experiences, including parental upbringing, family dynamics, and societal influences, significantly shape our self-esteem. Positive and supportive environments tend to foster healthy self-esteem, while negative experiences can have a lasting impact.
• Self-Perception: Our self-perception, including how we interpret and evaluate our abilities, appearance, and achievements, contributes to our self-esteem. Unrealistic expectations, harsh self-criticism, or a constant focus on perceived flaws can undermine self-esteem.
• Social Comparisons: Comparing ourselves to others, especially through the lens of societal ideals or social media, can negatively impact self-esteem. It's important to remember that each individual is unique and that comparing ourselves to others is often an unfair and unrealistic standard.

Cultivating Healthy Self-Esteem

Developing and nurturing healthy self-esteem is an ongoing process. There are basic strategies to promote a positive self-image, such as treating yourself with kindness, understanding, and forgiveness. Embrace self-care, prioritize your needs, and engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment. Become aware of negative self-talk and replace it with more realistic and compassionate thoughts. Acknowledge your strengths and accomplishments, and remind yourself that nobody is perfect. Break down your goals into manageable steps and celebrate each milestone. Focus on personal growth and progress rather than perfection. Seek out relationships and connections with people who uplift and encourage you. Surrounding yourself with positive influences can contribute to healthier self-esteem. Engage in activities that you enjoy and that allow you to develop new skills. Building competence and mastery in areas of interest can boost self-esteem.

Nathaniel Branden, a prominent psychologist and self-esteem expert, wrote extensively about self-esteem in his book The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. Some of the key ideas he presented were:

• The Six Pillars: key components that contribute to healthy self-esteem: (1) self-acceptance, (2) self-responsibility, (3) self-assertiveness, (4) living consciously, (5) personal integrity, and (6) the practice of self-actualization.
• Self-Acceptance: self-acceptance involves acknowledging and embracing all aspects of oneself, including strengths and weaknesses. It is about being compassionate and non-judgmental towards oneself.
• Self-Responsibility: taking personal responsibility for one's choices, actions, and emotions enhances self-esteem, especially when individuals hold themselves accountable for their lives and actively work towards their goals.
• Self-Assertiveness: the practice of self-assertiveness involves expressing one's needs, desires, and opinions honestly and respectfully. It is about standing up for oneself and setting healthy boundaries.
• Living Consciously: living consciously and being present in the moment. Be aware of thoughts, feelings, and actions, and make deliberate choices aligned with your values and goals.
• Personal Integrity: aligning one's actions with one's values and principles, which fosters integrity, self-esteem and a sense of inner coherence.
• Self-Actualization: striving to fulfill one's potential and pursue personal growth enhances individuals. Actively engaging in activities that align with your passions contributes to self-fulfillment.

How to Reduce Your Self-Esteem in 8 Easy Steps

We must remember it's not what you are but what you can become. We know that self-esteem is not inherited, but it is constructed. By following the simple and ancient Chinese stratagem of “knowing to straighten something by bending it first”, we must try each day to ask ourselves, how could I worsen my self-esteem to learn how to improve it? In asking ourselves this question, we can already identify eight dysfunctional patterns that, if repeated in a rigid and generalized way, will ensure the success of our problem. These are:

1. Excessive complaining. Very often talking about one's difficulties initially produces relief, but in the long run, it amplifies and complicates the extent of one's discomfort and transforms pain into suffering.
2. Excessive help-seeking. It is reassuring because if we receive it, it also means that the person who “helps us” cares about us, but unwittingly they may also be communicating another message to us: “I help you because you are not capable of helping yourself,” thus triggering a dependency on others and weakening ourselves.
3. Avoiding. Feeling fear in the face of some situations can be natural, and so is the primordial instinct to avoid it, but if at that moment it produces relief in the long run, our perception of danger increases, as does the inability to deal with such situations.
4. Self-fulfilling prophecies. Our actions influence the opinions that others have of us, determining their behaviours which, in turn, reinforces and confirms our beliefs and our actions.
5. Postponing. Cultivating the illusion that we can act effectively but in reality failing to do so is a great way to weaken our determination and corrupt our ability to make and take decisive action, which is at the heart and soul of self-esteem.
6. Saying yes when we should say no. In an attempt to acquire greater security, it is sometimes easy to give into the temptation to always say 'yes' to people's demands, in the illusion that our self-esteem can be increased by being more likeable or compliant. Nothing could be further from the truth. Saying yes to avoid having to say no is at the root of many social and relational difficulties.
7. Neglecting yourself. Contrary to common sense, dressing in a disheveled way, for example, can worsen people’s views of us. Remember that there is rarely a second chance to make a good first impression.
8. Surrendering. “You are defeated, only when you surrender”. Detrimental to our survival as humans is to avoid surrendering or believing nothing will come of our ideas. We should keep pushing forward until our goal is reached.

The psychology of self-esteem is complex and multifaceted, with profound implications for our well-being and quality of life. Cultivating healthy self-esteem involves embracing our unique qualities, accepting ourselves with kindness, and recognizing that our worth is not determined by external factors or comparisons to others. By fostering a positive self-image and practicing self-compassion, we can develop a stronger sense of self-esteem and lead more fulfilling lives. Remember, you are worthy of love, acceptance, and happiness. Embrace your inner worth and let it shine.

Self-Esteem Essential Reads

Mirror, Mirror: The Danger of Empty Reflections

The Wild Edge of Love

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