How Asian American Women Can Handle Conflict Effectively

Learning how to handle conflict is a life skill we all need, but Asian American women sometimes do not get taught this skill or see it modeled effectively. This could be due in part to our community's tendency to hold back strong emotions. In turn, the habit of holding back contributes to a common but not-that-effective conflict style: the "clam up or blow up" model. Let's first take a closer look at that conflict model and then consider an entirely different choice, the collaborative ABC approach.

The "Clam Up or Blow Up" Model

I use this term to describe an approach to conflict where one partner simmers and stews, not saying anything while feelings like bitterness, anger, or resentment build up. Finally, when they can't take it anymore, all the emotions boil over like a volcano erupting. At that point, the way the emotion is expressed takes over, making it hard to even remember what the original point of conflict was in the first place.

The eruption may have the temporary effect of a release valve. But it makes it difficult to solve the problem. If we see this model growing up, we may come to feel that the best way to manage conflict is to simply avoid it and wait for things to blow over.

The problem with avoiding conflict is that it makes it difficult to set important boundaries with other people, from co-workers or bosses to close personal relationships. In turn, this can lead to deep unhappiness in either work or life settings (or both).

A Collaborative Conversation: The ABC Approach

By contrast, the ABC approach is neither avoidance nor explosive confrontation but is instead a collaborative conversation. With this approach, you remind your counterparty that you have a mutual goal and invite them to problem-solve with you in order to get to that goal. Here are the three steps of this approach:

Acknowledge. The first step in this model is to acknowledge and identify your emotional signals, early on, when you feel uncomfortable with a situation or another person. If you are used to ignoring your own discomfort in order to keep the peace, this is a step that requires practice. But persistent discomfort is actually an important signal that allows us to know that something needs fixing. We shouldn't ignore it any more than we would ignore the chest pain that could signal a heart attack.

The decision to acknowledge your own feelings and then take action on them is a key first step.

Bring. The next step is to bring that information to the other person in a timely way, ideally at a pre-arranged meeting that isn't rushed. For example, you might say: "On Tuesday when we were in the group meeting, I felt upset by how you spoke to me." To set the stage for a neutral approach, it helps to give specific detail about what happened and use "I" statements without blaming the other.

Even if your counterparty doesn't feel the same way about the situation as you do, you still get to claim the feelings are unique to you. Your feelings are valid and warrant equal consideration. Not more, not less; equal.

Common goals. Remind the other that you share a common goal of wanting the partnership (whatever type it is) to work, and invite them to problem-solve together. This can allow the issue to move from a "you against me" approach to an "us" working to solve the conflict together. For example, "I'd like to clear the air so we can have a good partnership at work. What did you think about what happened, and how we can solve the situation?"

Allow your emotional barometer to guide you. If you discuss it but still notice yourself feeling upset, bitter, or angry, that data means the problem is still active. Continue to have proactive conversations until both of you feel settled.

If you get to the point where your emotional distress persists but the other person steadfastly refuses to address your requests, then it's time to set another boundary. You may have to ask a third party to help the negotiation move forward. Examples of a third party can range from a wise friend to a therapist to a manager or lawyer. If the other person still refuses to try to find a workable solution, then it may be time to decide whether the relationship itself is viable or not.

In Summary

A healthy relationship is not a conflict-free one. Instead, it's one where both parties can listen to each other and find a mutually acceptable way to account for each other's points of view when disagreements arise. It takes intention and practice, but with time, this dynamic can become a positive, collaborative way to handle conflict in work and life.

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Disclaimer: All content is for informational purposes only and is not a substitute for direct medical advice from your doctor or other qualified clinician. If you need medical or psychological help, seek guidance from your own physician or licensed mental health clinician.

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