The Freeing Power of Saying “No”

Best-selling author and Harvard Negotiation Project co-founder William Ury (2016) recalled a breakfast conversation with financial magnate Warren Buffett. Buffett remarked, “I don’t understand all this ‘Yes' stuff. In my line of business, the most important word is ‘No.' I sit there all day and look at investment proposals and say ‘No, No, No, No, No’—until I see exactly what I am looking for. Then I say ‘Yes.’ All I have to do is say ‘Yes’ a few times in my life and I’ve made my fortune" (p.3).

Buffett’s approach can be instructive in our personal lives. We should consider requests as “investment proposals” for our time and energy. However, most of us are not like Buffett in our personal lives—we spend our emotional reserves somewhat recklessly and heedlessly. We say “Yes” when we want to say “No.”

Why?

Because “No” has a negative valence. Saying “No” is difficult because it can be associated with a number of negative descriptors: selfishness, unwillingness to put the greater good over personal needs, laziness, and undependability. “Yes” has a positive valence. Saying “Yes” means you are a team player; you are unselfish through your demonstration of placing the needs of others over yours; you are reliable.

Compulsive "Yes-Saying"

Saying “Yes” may superficially feel as if one has invested wisely: We feel useful as the dependable one; as the good employee, friend, spouse, and child. But, just as some financial investments deplete rather than enhance our capital, saying “Yes” to too many requests burns through our psychological reserves. Compulsive “Yes-saying” may have complex and layered motives that are embedded in a sense of self and value in interpersonal relationships and may underlie insecurities. For example, such “Yes-saying” in personal relationships may reflect low self-esteem (you will only be liked as long as you are doing something for the other person), a martyr syndrome (you endure suffering for the sake of the greater good in your service to others), a need to be perceived as nice (if you say “No,” others will view you as selfish), a need to be the hero (you are the rescuer, the one who saves the day for others), being fear-driven (the other person will leave you if you don’t give all the time), or being conflict-averse (if you say “No” it will precipitate anger in the other person). Compulsive “Yes-saying” creates lopsided relationships: One becomes the compulsive “giver” and the other person is pushed into the role of “taker.”

The "Positive No" Strategy

William Ury viewed how we say “No” as either destructive or enhancing to the relationship. Ury contended that freedom from the trap of “Yes” begins with a “positive No.” That strategy sandwiches “No” between two “Yesses”: “Yes” to your needs and values; “No” to the request to underscore being true to yourself; “Yes” by providing an alternative.

In other words, Ury is suggesting that we say “No,” but do so nicely.

Behavioral-management strategies in how to reduce problem behavior and enhance compliance in children when saying “No” supports Ury’s proposition: Saying “No” with an explanation softens the negative valence of “No” (Mace et al., 2011). “No” with an explanation or “No” with an alternative softens its blow.

Saying “No” to people that you care about can be the most difficult. Consider these examples:

• Your daughter wants you to pay for her college semester abroad, but to do so you have to go into your retirement account, which will lead to tax penalties.

“No” with an explanation would be, “It sounds like a great opportunity, but I don’t have the money to help you out. Maybe there’s another way to make it happen—maybe a work program? Or a scholarship?”

• Your best friend calls just when you have arrived home after a long day and all you want to do is relax. Your friend asks if you have the time to talk over her most recent argument with her spouse.

“No” with an explanation would be, “I really want to hear what’s happening with you. I can’t do it now; I just got home. When works for you tomorrow?”

• A friend asks you to dog-sit while he goes on a vacation so he won’t have to kennel his pet. You don’t like the dog as it is aggressive and a barker.

“No” with an explanation would be, “It’s great that you are going to go on that vacation, but I can't dog sit little Rover, cute as he is, because he’s too rambunctious for me to handle. Maybe you could get a house-sitter instead.”

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• Your spouse wants to help his old, out-of-state, abrasive college buddy by letting him stay at your home for a month as he pursues various job opportunities.

“No" with an explanation would be, “It’s great that you want to help Jim, and I know he’s an old buddy. But he and I are not a good fit. Maybe you could suggest another friend he could stay with."

Saying “No” nicely may not necessarily lead to a “kumbaya moment” with the other person. You may say “No” nicely, but the other person may still be offended, angry, or upset. You may lose some relationships. You may feel guilty at first. Despite this, saying “No” nicely can be freeing. Just as saving your money and investing it wisely yields profits, saving one’s emotional energy and investing it wisely leads to a fuller life with genuine connections. Those who truly care about you will not leave because you say “No.” The relationships that are worthwhile will survive; those that are not won’t.

Warren Buffet was judicious in how he invested his money; we should consider being equally judicious in how we spend our psychological energy. Saying “Yes” all the time means that you may risk emotional bankruptcy; moreover, unlike Buffett who says “Yes” only to what he wants, you will risk missing opportunities on exactly what you are looking for. Saying “No” nicely frees your time to pursue those activities you want to do. Instead of becoming someone liked for what you do, you can become someone liked for who you are.