Forgiveness

How to Forgive Your Parents

Taking responsibility, overcoming the past, and moving forward.

Posted January 25, 2024 | Reviewed by Gary Drevitch

Key points

Research highlights the significant impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior and mental health.
Acknowledging the impact of childhood trauma and taking responsibility empowers one to shape their destiny.
Letting go of the past is a liberating process that opens the door to personal growth and achievement.
The notion of figuratively divorcing parents as a means of claiming independence has gained attention.

In the past year, several high-profile athletes faced suspensions for using performance-enhancing drugs. One attributed his choices to the absence of his father during his early years. While childhood experiences undoubtedly shape individuals, it is crucial to examine the impact of parental influence on adult decisions. This post asserts the importance of taking responsibility for one's actions, irrespective of past circumstances, and explores ways to break free from the lingering effects of an unhappy childhood.

The Influence of Childhood Experiences

Research consistently highlights the significant impact of childhood experiences on adult behavior and mental health. A seminal study by Bowlby (1969) on attachment theory emphasized the role of early relationships in shaping individuals' emotional and psychological well-being. Later studies, such as those by Sroufe et al. (2005), delved into the long-term effects of early experiences on personality development, emphasizing the importance of secure attachments.

Taking Responsibility for Change

While acknowledging the lasting impact of childhood, it is essential to recognize the agency individuals possess in shaping their destinies. Research by Lerner et al. (2013) emphasizes the concept of "agency," highlighting the capacity of individuals to act independently and make choices that influence their lives. Taking responsibility for one's actions is a key element in initiating positive change (Bandura, 1991).

The Role of Therapy

Therapeutic interventions play a crucial role in empowering individuals to overcome the challenges posed by a difficult childhood. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), in particular, has proven effective in breaking negative thought patterns (Beck, 2011). Moreover, the concept of reparenting, as described by Ecker et al. (2012), involves individuals nurturing their inner child through self-talk and reassurance.

Divorcing Parents Figuratively

The notion of figuratively divorcing parents as a means of claiming independence has gained attention. Joshua Coleman's work (2011) explores the concept of parent-child estrangement and provides guidance on navigating the complex process. While not a legal procedure, this symbolic act can be a powerful tool for individuals seeking autonomy and emotional freedom.

Empowerment and Change

Research by Masten (2001) underscores the resilience of individuals in overcoming adverse childhood experiences. Understanding that parents no longer dictate one's life empowers an individual to take control and instigate positive changes (Garmezy, 1991). Avoiding unresolved issues and blaming parents hinders personal growth, emphasizing the importance of proactive engagement (Sandler et al., 1994).

Letting go of the past is a liberating process that opens the door to personal growth and achievement. Whether through therapeutic interventions, symbolic acts of independence, or proactive engagement, individuals can break free from the shackles of the past and move forward with confidence.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

References

Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and Loss: Attachment (Vol. 1). Basic Books.

Sroufe, L. A., Egeland, B., Carlson, E. A., & Collins, W. A. (2005). The Development of the Person: The Minnesota Study of Risk and Adaptation from Birth to Adulthood. Guilford Press.

Lerner, R. M., Dowling, E. M., & Anderson, P. M. (2003). Positive youth development: Thriving as the basis of personhood and civil society. Applied Developmental Science, 7(3), 172-180.

Bandura, A. (1991). Social cognitive theory of moral thought and action. In W. M. Kurtines & J. L. Gewirtz (Eds.), Handbook of moral behavior and development (Vol. 1, pp. 71-129). Erlbaum.

Beck, J. S. (2011). Cognitive behavior therapy: Basics and beyond. Guilford Press.

Ecker, B., Ticic, R., & Hulley, L. (2012). Unlocking the emotional brain: Eliminating symptoms at their roots using memory reconsolidation. Routledge.

Coleman, J. (2011). When Parents Hurt: Compassionate Strategies When You and Your Grown Child Don't Get Along. William Morrow.

Masten, A. S. (2001). Ordinary magic: Resilience processes in development. American Psychologist, 56(3), 227-238.

Garmezy, N. (1991). Resilience in children’s adaptation to negative life events and stressed environments. Pediatric Annals, 20(9), 459-460.

Sandler, I. N., Wolchik, S. A., MacKinnon, D., Ayers, T. S., & Roosa, M. W. (1994). Developing linkages between theory and intervention in stress and coping processes. In M. Zeidner & N. S. Endler (Eds.), Handbook of coping: Theory, research, applications (pp. 499-517). Wiley.