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I have a confession: I’m in a bipartisan marriage. To say that the last 4 years of my marriage have been challenging is an understatement.
We’ve had to work extremely hard to avoid intense conflict. We’ve had to know when to stop talking and take a time out. There were days when we failed miserably and wondered why we ever got married. There were deafening silences and character assassinations.
But despite our differences and the rollercoaster ride that has become our marriage, we’re still together. We still love each other.
I am proud of our ability to rise above political divisiveness. It’s easy to be in a relationship when both partners agree politically. It’s another thing when you vehemently disagree on just about everything.
I attribute our longevity to two things. First, after learning the hard way that we were not able to change each other’s minds, we decided to agree to disagree and avoid political discussions. To be honest, honoring this agreement is hard; some days are better than others. But, when we stick with our plan, it works.
Secondly, we remember to focus on what’s good about our relationship—our 47-year history together, our love of our kids and grandkids, the life lessons we’ve learned from each other, the incredible experiences we’ve shared, the places we’ve been, the places we dream of going when the future permits, the fact that we miraculously agree about ways to navigate the pandemic, and so on.
When I’ve spoken to others about the trials and tribulations of being married to someone who has diametrically opposed political views, people scratch their heads and say, “You’re a much more patient person than I,” or, “There is no way in the world I could be married to someone whose core values were so different from mine.”
I think you get the point.
Rather than hoisting accolades my way for finding ways to make my marriage work under trying circumstances, let’s just say I have felt judged, and as a result, I decided to go underground and keep my bipartisan marriage to myself. Feeling the need to be private about something is new for me: My friends tell me that my life is an open book; I’m the tell-all girl. But lately, not so much.
I’ve been tight-lipped because I feel stigmatized.
Social stigmas are nothing new. Just ask couples who divorced in the 50’s, cohabitated in the 60’s, or who decide to stay married to their unfaithful spouse after infidelity today.
Could it be that the “New Shame” is choosing to remain married when political views clash? Not only have marriages ended because of politics, but countless people have cut off relationships with lifelong friends, relatives, and co-workers rather than try to navigate their differences.
One young woman told me recently, “I love my mother dearly, always will, but I don’t respect her anymore and I can’t imagine how I can have a relationship with her moving forward.”
Seriously? This is tragic, heartbreaking.
So, I’ve decided: It’s time for me to come out of my closet. If you’re someone who has ended an important relationship—or is thinking about doing so—listen up: Before you issue that relationship pink slip because your politics don’t jibe, reflect on the reasons you loved or cared about that person before our world became so polarized.
Stop trying to convince your loved one about the validity of your position or the error of theirs. Even with the best of intentions and communication skills, some things will never change. Don’t allow differences in ideology to destroy your love.
Although I may never understand why my husband feels the way he does about certain issues—and vice versa—I can allow room for him to be different. And though some of our core values may collide, our coeur (French for heart) values are still very much in sync.
