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My mother was an amazingly wise, renowned therapist who taught me many important life lessons but none more important than the one encapsulated in the words of a button she gave me:
“Never try to teach a cow to sing. It doesn’t work and it annoys the cow.”
We all know that cows won’t sing. They moo.
And because we know this, we allow our cows to be cows which, in turn, avoids irritating them and disappointing ourselves.
And therein lies the magic formula for happiness in life.
Having realistic expectations.
Yet, when it comes to our human counterparts, we are not nearly as realistic. No matter how consistently our loved ones moo, we’re surprised, disappointed and critical when they aren’t singing instead.
Doing so makes us miserable.
Surprised and Disappointed
In many ways, the people in our lives are fairly predictable. They are who they are. Their behaviors—both desirable and undesirable—show up like clockwork.
Your husband’s voracious sexual appetite rarely seems to coincide with your interest in being connected physically.
Except for wishing you happy birthday each year, your sister typically relies on YOU to initiate contact with her.
Your best friend is incorrigible, consistently showing up 30 minutes late for dinner dates.
Although you look forward to spending holidays with your family, petty arguments between your brothers are as predictable as the singing of Auld Lang Syne on New Year’s Eve.
In short, we are well aware of our loved ones' quirks and idiosyncrasies. We KNOW what to expect. Nevertheless, we are oddly taken aback each time a friend or family member moos. We’re put off. We’re annoyed. We’re disappointed.
That’s when our little inner voices, the ones that narrate our lives, go on overload.
We find ourselves thinking, “I can’t believe my sister isn’t able to pick up the phone and call me once in a while to say hello! She has such a sense of entitlement. She takes me for granted.”
OR
“It is so rude that my friend can’t meet me at the agreed upon time. Obviously, she doesn’t give a rat’s ass about my feelings. I would NEVER do that to her.”
OR
“It’s hard to believe that my brothers have to ruin every holiday with their obnoxiously heated conversations. They’re so self-centered. They think the world revolves around them.”
OR
I think you get the point.
Even after years of experiencing predictable patterns in behavior in the people we love, we find ourselves thinking, “I can’t believe that______(FILL IN THE BLANK),” or “I just wish my (friend, family member) would _______(BEHAVE A PARTICULAR WAY) rather than _____(THE WAY THEY USUALLY ACT.)
So, if you want to find more peace in your life and your relationships, every time you tell yourself (or those within earshot), “I just wish that…,” “I just can’t believe that…” or “Why can’t s/he (do this rather than that?),”
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND START BELIEVING WHAT IS AND STOP WISHING FOR WHAT ISN’T!
Now, if you’re thinking, “Boy, Michele, that’s depressing; It means people can’t change or that I have to live with totally unacceptable behavior,” I totally disagree. Here’s why.
If I believed people couldn’t change, then I am in the wrong profession. People CAN change. They do it all the time—WHEN CHANGE BECOMES IMPORTANT TO THEM.
But that’s beside the point. I’m talking to you right now.
And you shouldn’t accept behaviors that violate important personal values.
But, and this is a big but, there’s probably a good reason the people in your life are in your life. And it’s not because of their annoying behaviors, it’s because of WHAT’S GOOD ABOUT THEM.
You see, all people are package deals. Your family members are. Your friends are. Your partner is. You are.
Even I am. (Hope my husband isn't reading this.)
There are lovable, wonderful qualities in all of us, and there are ones that… well, let’s just say, aren’t so easy to live with.
And we have a choice. We can focus on the exasperating qualities in our loved ones and try to turn moo's into songs, or we can shine a light on their endearing qualities instead and allow these qualities to define our relationships.
Let me give you an example of how I practice this in my own life.
I have many, many fabulous girlfriends. They sustain me. When I stand back and think about how different they are from one another, it is truly remarkable.
One friend, who I’ll call Susie, is an artist. She appreciates art and nature on a very profound level. She’s deep and very serious. She has a need for structure and likes to make plans well in advance of the actual event. She marks it in her calendar in blood.
Taking hikes with Susie to remote mountainous areas and watching the spectacular way the light hits the leaves or the snow glistens on the rocks is one of our favorite pastimes.
Another friend, who I’ll call Jamie, is what I call “My YES friend.” She’s light-hearted, spontaneous, filled with laughter and is always up for the next adventure. She loves last-minute plans and is totally understanding if, for any reason, plans fall through. Her motto? “Whatever happens is fine with me.”
So, although occasionally, I find Susie’s need for structure and seriousness to feel a bit restrictive, I choose to focus instead on the uplifting, rich time I know we will have together communing with nature.
And although Jamie’s spontaneity and lust for life have meant that she hasn’t always been available, even at times when I’ve “needed” her—a value that is very important to me—I choose to focus on the laughter and joy I feel when we play together. Whenever I leave our playdates, I’m on cloud nine.
At bottom, I never try to make Susie or Jamie sing when they moo. And I’m not surprised or disappointed when they don’t. I like—no, I LOVE—their moos.
And the truth is, I can honestly say that I practice this art of acceptance with everyone in my life—my husband, my kids, my parents, my siblings, my friends, my colleagues... And because I do, my loved ones are “lifers.” I’m still friends with my bestie from 3rd grade!
Do yourself a favor.
Ask yourself whether you spend too much time trying to change things that are unchangeable rather than paying more attention to what’s good in your life and the people around you.
And if it’s challenging to find workarounds for behaviors that bother you, here’s one more suggestion.
Stop making up negative stories about WHY people behave the way they do: “She’s spiteful.” “He’s stingy.” “She doesn’t care about my feelings.” “He’s controlling.” These stories are just that—stories—and they add fuel to the inferno that is your case against them.
Instead, memorize something the brilliant poet and philosopher Maya Angelou once said, “People do the best they can with the tools they have. When they know better, they do better.”
I believe this with all my heart. It helps me embrace people’s moos.
