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It’s estimated that one in three couples struggles with a sexual desire gap; one person is hot when the other is not.
And although people don’t often talk about it, when there is a sexual divide, the partner with lower desire controls the sexual relationship- if he or she isn’t in the mood, sex generally doesn’t happen.
In addition, the person with lower desire expects his or her partner not to complain about this and to remain faithful.
This arrangement often doesn’t work out too well. And unwillingness to find a happy medium where both partners are satisfied can lead to infidelity and divorce.
I’ve often found it interesting that couples in committed relationships are expected to make collaborative decisions about most things in life- where to live, whether or not to get married, have children, how to parent, who does what around the house, how to handle finances- but missing from this list is anything having to do with decisions about the nature and quality of the couples’ sex lives.
In previous posts and in my TEDx talk, I’ve offered several sound reasons for the partner with lower desire to adopt the Nike philosophy and “Just Do It.”
Not only will it please the more sexually-inclined spouse, it will reap positive relationship effects in return. The “You-scratch-my-back-and-I’ll-scratch-yours” dynamic is likely to kick in.
Plus, for millions of people, just getting started often jumpstarts their sexual desire.
But here’s another thought to consider.
Instead of “Just Doing It,” why not pleasure your partner, even if you’re not in the mood? Why not truly give a gift of love?
Healthy relationships are built on mutual care-taking and being there for your partner when your own sex drive is in the dumps is an act of caring.
But a gift must be a gift; attitude is everything. A begrudging touch is worse than nothing at all.
Sometimes when I suggest this to couples in my practice, the resistive partner isn’t the lower desire spouse as one might expect; it’s the one longing for touch.
Here’s what I hear, “I don’t want my spouse to be sexual with me if s/he isn’t the mood. A big part of what turns me on is his or her excitement.
I get it.
But since these two people are wired differently, I bluntly offer the following advice to more highly sexed spouses- “Get over it!”
I explain that they will never be clones and to expect the lower desire spouse to always feel up for sex is unrealistic.
It usually doesn’t take too much convincing.
And that's a good thing.
Watch my new TEDx Talk on The Sex-Starved Marriage.
Michele Weiner-Davis is the Author of the best selling Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy, and the Sex-Starved Marriage, and creator of the Divorce Busting Center. She is the Founder of DivorceBusting "Like" her on Facebook, and get her latest videos on YouTube.
