Being Mindful of the "I" in I Love You

"Last night on The Bachelorette..."

Not a phrase I ever thought I'd write. I don't typically watch it and I don't typically care. Yet, last night, there I was, glued to the set. Not because I was invested in the cast's love lives, but because I was fascinated by how the couples spoke to each other and each other's parents. The words they chose when trying to sound sincere and win someone's affection. This is about how we talk about love.

Here's a truncated version of the dialogue between Ben, one of the two finalists trying to secure a proposal from Tayshia, and Tayshia's parents who are trying to get to know Ben's intentions. If you were the mother, what might you notice about Ben's responses?

Tayshia's mother: "What do you think about Tayshia?"

Ben: "I mean, the way that she makes me feel is unlike anything I've ever felt in my lifetime."

Tayshia's father: "What do you see in Tayshia? Why would you like to go further?"

Ben: "For me... is the way that she makes me feel. And I would be an idiot to not come back... Across this entire experience, I've been showing up in little ways."

It's not until the end of the interview with Tayshia's father (if we're to trust how the show edited the timeline of events) that Ben says, "There's nobody else like her. She's incredible." And a bit later in the show, shirtless in the shower, of course, he says, "She makes me feel unlike anyone has ever made me feel."

Notice how they asked Ben to describe what qualities he appreciates in their daughter and what makes her a good fit for a life partner; yet, he never quite gets there. Most of his responses were, in fact, about himself. He proclaims his love for her in terms of how he feels when he's with her. He claims he's been showing up for her in little ways. Again, that's about him, not her. If the editing room is to be trusted, we only hear about how Ben benefits from this arrangement. Sure, he says she's incredible, but that is a non-answer because it actually says nothing specific about Tayshia's character. "Incredible" is meaningless hyperbole until it is dissected into the traits that make a person so incredible. If you're truly in love with someone, who know precisely what those incredible traits are.

Next in the spotlight was Zac. Tayshia's father sits down with her and asks, "So... Zac. What's going on with Zac?"

Tayshia responds: "Zac! Zac is just a good guy. He makes me laugh. He makes me, like, happy. He makes me, like, excited. Like, it's just, like, all the things. It's all the things."

Notice all the things she's referring to are in the context of herself? She doesn't say, "Zac has a quirky sense of humor" or "Zac makes every moment feel special because he's such a great listener." All we actually learn in her response is that she likes to laugh, she likes to be made happy, and she likes to feel excited. We have no clue what makes Zac the best choice in her life to trigger those experiences within her.

When Zac takes the hot seat (notably mentioning he was previously married), he goes on to speak of Tayshia in terms of their future together; in terms of "us," of being happy together, and growing a family together. Tayshia's father seemed to resonate with these responses.

Later in the show, freshly shirted after the obligatory shower scene, Zac tells the camera, "I love Tayshia and I'm gonna propose to the woman of my dreams." Then, "My love for her transcends any physical beauty. She is just, like, everything I've ever wanted in a partner. I'm the luckiest guy in the world."

I know, I'm picking on a few people who are being expected to perform in front of a camera, when in fact, none of this has anything to do with The Bachelorette. I've thought about our language of love problem a lot over the years. How our self-centric culture has made it so difficult for us to express, deeply, why someone "makes us" feel a certain way. I think about how the word "love" has been so diluted. It's just as common in the closing line of boring emails as it is in the closing line of commercials pushing cholesterol pills. I, for one, don't care much about "I love you." I care about why.

All of this makes me think about the wedding vows these couples might have to write. Love's finish line. Nailing it down. I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years and the day will come when we'll have some sort of ceremony with some sort of words exchanged. I've long thought about how I might challenge myself to write vows that, for the most part, don't include the words "I" or "my," except when mentioning what I will do to commit myself to the marriage. I think I would want my vows to speak to the love we created. To the essence of the person I am in love with. A dedication. I don't need to tell our guests what they can already imply by virtue of showing up for a wedding. I'm not interested in recycling greeting card sentiment or reading from a thesaurus of affection. The planning, the party, the pomp and circumstance—that's merely logistics and good lighting. Expressing selfless love—the gears that power the marriage—that's what we're really showing up for.

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I wish I could spoil the ending of last night's show and tell you who Tayshia chose. I wish you and I could chat together about how the men's language of love may have swayed her. And I hope it's not a spoiler to say, I wonder how much influence "I" had on the ending.