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Key points
- There is a cultural fixation on whether or not a woman has faked an orgasm.
- Questioning a partner can be off-putting and damage or strain a relationship.
- There are many reasons why a person might fake an orgasm.
- A better question is to ask how one can improve their partner’s experience.
Lana had been dating Scott off and on for four months before things became sexual. After one satisfying evening with him, she was surprised to receive this jarring text message the next morning:
“Did u fake an orgasm last night when we were together?”
Lana had felt a real connection with Scott, but his question left her unsettled. Their night together had been passionate, and she had made herself vulnerable physically and emotionally. Over the months, they’d had meaningful conversations, and she had only ever been honest with him. Puzzling over his text message, she realized that she not only felt surprised but also offended. Why would he even ask such a thing? She texted back that she found the question sexist and an insult to her honesty and integrity. She wanted to know what made him think she would deceive him.
Scott avoided answering directly, insisting on discussing it in person, which Lana found manipulative and hurtful. She requested an apology, but Scott continued to push for an in-person conversation, leaving Lana uncertain about how to proceed and feeling disrespected. She had been clear and direct in her communication, and now it felt like he was dodging the issue.
Was it something she had said or done? Or was it more about him than her?
The next day she brought the issue to her therapist, laying out the entire conversation. Why did Scott think it was okay to ask such a pointed question in that way? Was she wrong to be upset?
The Orgasm Obsession
Is it ever appropriate to ask a sexual partner if they faked it? Searching for answers on the internet typically leaves one empty-handed. There are mountains of information about why women (and some men) may fake an orgasm, and also plenty on how you can spot a phony moment. But there is very little about how one should handle this question or even if it is an appropriate question at all.
There are many reasons why someone might pretend to have an orgasm—from trying to emotionally satisfy an abusive partner to just being tired with a ho-hum experience and wanting to move on. Given that women are more likely to fake an orgasm than men, and because there has been historically less emphasis on the importance of a woman’s sexual pleasure, this is certainly a topic worthy of study and attention. But interrogating a person about their intimate behavior is another matter entirely.
Wrong Question
Questioning whether someone faked an orgasm should generally be considered inappropriate—particularly in the way Scott phrased and approached it. Here are a few reasons why:
- Lack of Sensitivity: The question touches on a very personal and intimate aspect of the relationship, and asking it so bluntly can come across as insensitive or even shaming. It can make the other person feel judged or mistrusted, which can harm the trust and intimacy they've built.
- Questioning Partner’s Integrity: By asking Lana if she faked an orgasm, Scott is questioning Lana's honesty. This can feel hurtful and offensive, as it implies she might be deceitful about her experience, which could undermine her sense of integrity and respect in the relationship.
- Power Dynamics: Insisting on an answer might feel like a way to control the other person. It can come across as manipulative, especially if Lana feels pressured to defend herself or justify her actions.
- Over Focus on Orgasm: In our society, orgasms can be seen as the indicator that sex has been “successful,” when connection, intimacy, and arousal are also critically important. Focusing on “accomplishing” an orgasm can shortchange and narrow a sexual encounter.
In a healthy relationship, partners should focus on building trust and open communication, not on casting doubt on each other's experiences. Anyone who feels a need to ask this question should first consider their own insecurities around sex and ask themselves what they are trying to accomplish in this way.
How to Ask the Question
If Scott had concerns about the sexual encounter or wanted to better understand Lana's experience, a more appropriate approach would be to have a broader conversation about their intimacy, focusing on mutual pleasure and emotional connection rather than zeroing in on whether an orgasm was real or not.
Consider the following questions instead:
- “Was this as good for you as it was for me?”
- “Is there anything I can do to make this even better for you? I want you to have the best sexual experience possible.”
- “I really want you to tell me what you like and how I can make it even better. And if we start, and then you are just not feeling it, that is totally fine.”
Appropriate questions should focus on connection, mutual arousal, and the quality of the experience as a whole. Really listen to what your partner has to say without getting defensive. This is more respectful and likely to result in better sex through improved communication and understanding.
