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When I first meet with a client who is considering divorce, I can often get a sense of whether the scales are tipped toward staying or leaving from the reason he or she gives for wanting to stay married or wanting to leave.
If the desire to stay married is based on moving toward a goal (for example, "I want to raise my children in one house with two parents," or, "I want to work on my anger issues and be a better spouse and parent”), the person is more likely to stay married.
On the other hand, when people explain that they are staying in the marriage to avoid pain or fear ("I'm staying because I'm afraid of not seeing my children every day," or, "I don't know how I'd make ends meet without my spouse," or, "No one will ever love me like this again"), this indicates that the marriage doesn’t have much healthy glue, and such marriages aren't as likely to endure.
I ask clients both why they might want to stay and why they might want to get a divorce. Just as I mentioned above, those who are contemplating leaving to move toward a goal are more likely to actually leave than those who are averting pain or potential consequences. Examples of going toward a goal or away from a fear are, "I want more out of life than staying in an unhappy marriage" or "I need to get away from this abuse."
All of the reasons people have for making their decisions have merit. It’s a personal choice and no one outside of the couple has a right to judge another for whichever path they choose. My point in writing this article isn’t to make anyone feel ashamed or judged for their decision to stay or go, but it is meant to encourage people to take a deeper look at what their truth is and where their authenticity lies. Anyone moving toward a goal (providing a stable home for the kids or choosing to be more independent) is going to feel better about their situation than someone who is running away from something (fearing intimacy, for example) or trying to avoid something (e.g. being alone).
Those who are motivated primarily by avoiding something are usually fear-based people. These people see the world through the eyes of whatever problems and negative repercussions might arise from their actions. They are often imprisoned by their fears, not only as they pertain to deciding whether to stay in or leave their marriages, but in all areas of their lives. These people will more likely stay in a disingenuous, unhappy, and unfulfilled situation with the misguided belief that they are staying “safe.”
Action-based or faith-based people have the opposite view of the world. When they set their sights on a goal, they see what opportunities and benefits might come from moving forward. These people are more willing to take risks and go for what they want. They will also be less likely to settle for less than what they believe they deserve.
Of course, you can be partially both fear-based and action-based, but whichever mode is dominant will usually win the arguments in your mind about whether to stay or go. Action-based people tend to be happier and have higher self-esteem.
The good news is that these aspects of decision-making are not necessarily set in stone. If you are primarily a fear-based person but would rather be action-based, you can push through your fears and accomplish your goals. Most people need some training or support to make these changes, but it is an alteration that anyone can make.
Make What You Need a Priority
With a decision as big as whether or not to stay married, it is imperative that you consider the possible ramifications your leaving may have on others, but you must also balance that decision with your own needs. Where I see people go wrong in such a decision is when they forgo their own needs and focus primarily on meeting the needs of their spouses or children, or, on the contrary, they consider only their own needs and ignore the potential impact on their children and spouses.
I've had countless clients tell me that they don't want to divorce because they are afraid of losing the co-parenting relationship or their spouse's income, only to realize at some point that they alone already carry the load of responsibilities and that their spouse never contributed that much to the marriage (in fact, many say their partner took more than their share from it). Dozens have told me that they don’t want to be alone, only to realize that they already are alone.
When people have these revelations, they become ready to stop making choices based on what might happen. Even though breakups are a difficult transition, for almost all of these folks, letting go of an unhealthy relationship was the best decision they'd ever made.
Just about every decision we have to make in life entails trade-offs. Going through a divorce is hard. Staying in a bad marriage is hard. Even so, if your truth is you believe leaving is what you need to do, it’s important to look beyond the immediate challenges you’ll face and factor in the benefits that may await further into the future. One exercise you can do to project out five years and ask yourself where you want to be in your life. If you can’t stand thinking about one of those scenarios, that may just be your indication of what to do. If you’re not happy, but you feel you just need to sacrifice yourself for a few more years until the kids are launched, and your spirit won’t atrophy in the meantime, then that may be the way to go.
Remember that there will be no easy path or path without pain. The pain of doing something that goes against your truth will perpetuate your pain, whereas the pain of healing has an end. If your relationship can be salvaged, it’s absolutely worth putting in the work—but if your gut is telling you it’s time to leave, it’s worth enduring the pain of divorce and getting to the other side.
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