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When you think of marriage, what comes to mind?
If you're like most people, you envision two people who have vowed to live together until death do they part, forsaking all others, etc.
But did it ever occur to you that we have been programmed to see it in this way because of cultural norms?
Most of us go along with the marriage paradigm and never question whether all the aspects of matrimony actually suit our individual needs. We have a one-size-fits-all model that hasn't been changed in nearly 200 years (yet it's been altered many times throughout history, and it looks quite different in other cultures around the world).
Because it is such a rigid, unchanging model, it is likely to work well for some and not so well for others. Those for whom marriage has not worked well have had to pretend everything is fine, suffer with it not working well, and/or get divorced.
If, however, we had a more flexible institution, we might be able to accommodate more types of marriages.
In my practice, the three most common problems couples have are: One or both wants their own space; one or both wants to have wider sexual experiences; partnerships where the romance is gone, but the co-parenting aspect works well.
Here are three unconventional solutions to those problems—ways to tweak your marriage to make it work better for you.
Problem 1: You Want Your Own Space.
You live with a slob, and you find yourself constantly cleaning up after him or her. You want your separate space and have your home the way you like it, shedding the constant resentment that you feel.
Or perhaps you crave alone time because you're an introvert, and you need separation. When you are deprived of getting enough quiet and alone time, you get edgy and mean, you push your spouse away, or maybe you start fights that result in one or both of you not talking to the other to manufacture alone time.
Hack 1: Become "Apartners" and create a Live Apart Together (or LAT) Marriage (a trend that is very popular with older adults). In this arrangement, couples have separate residences. You and your spouse can get together when you want to, and be alone when that becomes your preference. The time you spend together will almost always be quality over quantity (especially since you no longer have to clean up your spouse's messes, and s/he has to abide by your rules of cleanliness when in your space).
Problem 2: You are great co-parents, but the romance is gone from the marriage. If it weren't for the kids, you'd get a divorce, but you don't want to miss seeing them every day. And besides, you can't necessarily afford your own place.
It strikes you as silly to have to blow up the marriage and family when the rest of your relationship works quite well.
Hack 2: Try a Parenting Marriage. This is pretty much what it sounds like. You and your spouse continue to co-parent, but you remove the romantic expectations from the relationship. You co-exist in the same house, and you get to enjoy the same pool of finances, the same home, the same routine, etc.
At some point, you may even get to enjoy an outside relationship (but I recommend getting the Parenting Marriage fully tuned before branching out as these new relationships while enhancing your life personally, will only complicate relationships with your kids and spouse). This option is doable, and more and more couples are discovering this marriage model. It may sound strange but, if you think about it, many people have been doing this by default for years.
Problem 3: You love your spouse, but you're no longer "in love" with him or her. What you mean by this is that the novelty and sexual excitement are gone*, and you can't imagine going the rest of your life without them. You've contemplated having an illicit affair, but you don't want to live a lie (you have too much integrity, there's too much to remember, and you have too much to lose because you love, respect, and care for your spouse).
Hack 3: Discuss the idea of an Open Marriage with your husband or wife. Question monogamy. Not everyone will go along with this, but it's a really important conversation to have. It's also an important topic to try to find mutual understanding.
There is such a tired old script that has been put in place for far too long, and it creates an incredible amount of wreckage. Namely, that we are all supposed to find our soulmate, live happily ever after with that one person, and remain true to him or her.
We are then surprised when we hear that someone has cheated. Yet, if you look at our biology, it seems more likely that we are not meant to be with the same person forever.
Having a stable partner makes the most sense when raising children, but beyond that, can couples create other sexual connections with the blessing of their spouse? Many are trying. Polyamory and being "monogamish" are terms we really hadn't heard of 15 or so years ago, but are now prevalent in mainstream media.
Bottom Line
We made up the concept of what we in the West call "traditional marriage" over many centuries. It has almost never been about love (love was seen by many as dangerous or, at the very least, foolish). Before this version of marriage, we had pair-bondings based on wealth, to create social order, to make sure there was enough help to run the farm or take over the family business, and to advance politically.
The purpose that marriage serves for us today is quite different than it was just after the Industrial Revolution. Social scientist Andrew Cherlin calls marriage a "capstone," rather than the cornerstone it once was.
With the advent of DNA testing, we no longer need to wonder who the father of a child is. It's socially acceptable to have children outside of marriage these days; young people need not marry to start a family. Men and women can create social status on their own, and although it still carries a distinction in terms of being seen as an adult, marriage is no longer a rite of passage into adulthood.
These tweaks and more are becoming increasingly common. People are moving away from "tradition," and young couples are taking the rigid parameters of marriage and making them more flexible.
There is much more of a mix-n-match marriage style and "take what you liked and leave the rest" in marriage today. Couples can choose to be monogamous but live apart; they can choose to be parents but not marry or join finances; couples may live together but allow outside sexual partners to come into the mix.
To those who tend to be more conservative, these marriage hacks might sound wrong or even blasphemous. However, given the range of choices people have today with where to live and what career to pursue, it seems only natural that marriage would evolve and that spouses (and those in all kinds of relationships) would demand more options, too.
Whether you tweak your relationship is less important than making sure you at least have conversations about what you each need in the union.
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References
(*A mature relationship that has lasted for years is not supposed to be as exciting as a new relationship. Some people seeking out novel sexual experiences may be craving intensity over intimacy or may be trying to distract themselves from a marital problem or unresolved trauma. I recommend getting guidance from a therapist if this is in question.)
