Verified by 
According to the Holmes-Rahe Stress Inventory, divorce is the number two stressor that any adult will experience in a lifetime, surpassed only by the death of a spouse. While I have issues with the subjectivity and blatant absences of stressors included in this inventory (such as living with chronic pain), the fact that divorce ranks #2 is important.
We therapists don't need a stress scale to know that divorce is one of the more destabilizing events our clients will ever face in their lifetime. We see firsthand that these normally high-functioning adults are reduced to a pile of tears, or deeply question their value because they've been dumped by a spouse (or their mate moved on immediately and they feel replaced), or those who are so dysregulated that they can't make a decision to save their lives.
Emotions are out of whack to the point that I've heard many people lament that they are afraid they're going crazy. Crazy, no. Stretched emotionally, yes—which is what makes people feel bad and out of control.
The good news is that it can be the impetus people need to get into therapy. The bad news is, not every therapist knows enough about divorce to be helpful. Therapists don't need to be a "divorce expert," but there are certain basics that can make the difference between being helpful to patients, or potentially harming them by perpetuating their shame.
Here are three steps you as therapists can take to best be of service:
1. Examine your own beliefs about divorce.
Fill in the blanks:
Divorce is _________________.
It makes me feel _________________ when someone tells me they are getting divorced.
When a couple or individual comes to me saying they are contemplating divorce, I feel my job is to ____________________.
If you fill in words like sad, scared or mad for the first two questions, or "keep couples together" in the third, then you owe it to clients to either stop seeing the divorcing population or take some classes to learn more about divorce.
Therapists who think divorce shouldn't happen—or worse, see it as a failure—can't help but have their beliefs leak into their work. This might manifest in a therapist telling a client they have failed or that they shouldn't be getting divorced or it might be a little bit more subtle in that they may simply ignore pleas to split and continue to pressure couples to stay together.
Some of you may be thinking that this is impossible but, trust me, I hear this all too often.
What my goal is when working with anyone is to help them find their authentic truth/voice. It feels pretentious for me to assume that every couple should stay together and work things out and/or that I know more than the clients themselves what is best for them. I work hard to not steer clients toward an outcome; rather, I work with them to become more authentic. This sometimes means the couple ends up going in separate directions. Culturally, we label this as a failure, however, it can be a wonderful springboard toward living a more fulfilled, genuine life. If or when the couple stays together, I know it's because they honestly choose to stay together, which is also a tremendous victory.
2. Learn everything you can about the basics of divorce.
Having a great suggested reading list you can give clients*; be knowledgeable about local resources such as whether there are low-fee family court services at the courthouse, child custody experts, financial specialists as well as mediation centers, collaborative groups and more. Knowing of resources can make a tremendous difference for clients.
One client thanked me recently for being so pivotal in her divorce recovery because I helped her find her transitional housing, her attorney and she participated in my divorce support group.
3. Network with divorce professionals such as lawyers, financial experts and child custody specialists.
Once you find the divorce professionals in your area, it's helpful to actually get to know some of them more personally. Ask them to lunch or coffee. Hold an Open House at your own office and invite various divorce professionals. Create a workshop on a subject and ask them to present.
Not only will it help your clients to get names of people you trust, but you may even start a lovely cross-referral relationship.
Divorce Education
We therapists go through our four years or so of undergrad Psychology (or some social science degree program) and all of our graduate schooling without one class on divorce. Divorce is one of the most destabilizing life events our clients will face and we get ZERO education about it? How can that be???
In 2000, I began working with divorcing people and I had almost no knowledge of the process myself. In the ensuing years, I have learned a ton. I have a hefty list of books, divorce professionals and resources that I can share with my clients. I’ve run dozens of groups and programs and I can provide a secure container for my divorcing (or contemplating divorce & post-divorce) clients. These folks come in scared out of their minds and many have some level of trauma either going into it or coming out of their dissolution.
Again, I'm not suggesting that every therapist out there dives into the divorce world as deeply as I have, but I am asking you to take it upon yourself to get the basics down. If you're not interested in doing that, then please refer out—if only temporarily. Divorce is too specialized of an issue to take on without the proper foundation of knowledge.
Does It Really Matter to Clients?
Imagine the following questionnaire to clients:
Does it matter to you that your therapist has had no formal training for this tremendously destabilizing life transition?
Does it bother you that they don't really know anything about the resources you need, as long as they are willing to hear you vent about your pain?
Would it help you if your therapist were more knowledgeable about divorce?
Conclusion:
Divorce is a pivotal life event for clients. They will be tremendously destabilized. They need special care. You, as a therapist, may choose to provide that care. If you do, it's incumbent on you to learn the basics. If you don't want to learn the basics, refer out.
Here are some programs that offer courses for therapists on divorce:
Collaborative Divorce Training Institute
Get More Information
A divorce colleague of mine (another therapist) and I are offering a divorce talk called Demystifying Divorce and we invite professionals to submit questions about divorce in general or specifics about a case.
*If you’re a therapist working with divorcing clients, I’m happy to send you a Suggested Reading list that I give to my clients.
My contact info is in my bio.
No part of this publication may be reproduced without the express written permission of the author. Failure to comply with these terms may expose you to legal action and damages for copyright infringement.
