6 Love Myths That Can Lead to Misery

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"Our love story was beautiful...until it wasn't..."

This is a comment I've heard from clients, who tell me about romantic hopes and dreams dashed as reality sets in: a lover with such perceived potential who doesn't change, a love who seemed so perfect at first who turns out to be all too human or worse, fantasies of rescue and renewal that dwindle, or expectations of living happily ever after that fail to meet the test of time.

Misplaced optimism is evident in those who harbor hopes that love can conquer all, that hope can change reality and transform an unpromising relationship, erasing red flags and leading to a lifetime of love.

What are some of the most common sentiments of misguided optimism, the love myths more likely to lead to misery than to bliss? (Note: Pronouns are interchangeable.)

1. “He’s a mess, but I can cure him with love." Taking on the transformation of a troubled soul who doesn't have the desire or the ability to change in ways you'd like can be an exercise in frustration, disappointment...and worse. A young woman I'll call Allison had big dreams for her down-and-out boyfriend, Jayden, a high-school dropout and addict who had never held a job more than a few days and who was couch surfing with friends when they met at a party. "He is so sweet when he isn't drinking," she said at the beginning of their relationship a year and a half ago. "I see so much potential if he'd only get sober and get his GED and job skills. I believe in him and our love. With my love and encouragement, I know he can get it together." The problem is that Jayden has yet to take the first step toward sobriety or getting a diploma or job skills. He appears perfectly content to live with Allison, enjoying her emotional and financial support. He expresses hurt over her growing frustration as she wonders what it will take to realize her dream of rescue and lifelong love. But there's the problem: This was her dream, not his.
2. "So what if everyone I know hates her? They don’t understand her like I do." Jake, a 28-year-old engineer, is newly engaged to Emma, 25, and upset that family and friends are silent at best and horrified at worst by the news. After a longtime friend told him that he was wary of their relationship because Emma seemed determined to cut Jake off from family and close friends, insisted on monopolizing all conversations, and seemed to share very few of his interests, Jake blocked the friend on his phone and social media. "A real friend should be happy that I am happy," Jake insisted. "Same with family. It's beginning to seem like us against the world." There are, to be sure, love stories that have endured and thrived despite initial family and friend disapproval. But when the lack of enthusiasm for your love is feeling unanimous, it may be best to be cautious and not rush into a commitment. Those who love us most don't always tell us what we would like to hear when they sense trouble ahead. And demands from a new love to choose between her and friends and family may be a red flag not to be ignored.
3. "We fight a lot now, but everything will be great once we [get married, have a baby, buy a house…]." I've heard this a lot in therapy. But transitions are hard, even for the most loving couples. Working together to improve communication skills and anger management is essential before moving on to major life transitions like marriage, parenthood, or homeownership.
4. "I have enough love for both of us." This is a sentiment often expressed when the other partner is a man (or woman) of few words, unable to express emotions including feelings of love and affection. In some instances, the partner may say that he is not in love with the other person. If he expresses doubt in a future together or his readiness to commit, believe him! If lopsided love feels painful in courtship, it can be excruciating in a marriage that has happened in the wake of a pregnancy or other pressures fueled by guilt.
5. "Sex isn’t that important. We have a deeper connection." This expression of misplaced optimism can come up when a partner in a heterosexual relationship comes out as bisexual or gay/lesbian or when someone is falling in love with a person who is asexual. Although there are couples who make peace with mixed orientations and/or sexual differences and find happiness together, it's important to go into such relationships with eyes wide open to the challenges. How comfortable are you with a nonmonogamous relationship? If you're committed to monogamy, how realistic is this for your partner? Can you agree on lifestyle choices with neither making promises that may prove impossible to keep?
6. "The past is past. I’m his new beginning." So he has been in prison and or addicted or has a history of domestic abuse. Or she has had three brief marriages in the past 10 years with each ending with lingering rancor. A person may have changed and grown past their problems. But it's important to look at patterns from the past realistically to see what has changed and what has not and also to realize the limits of your ability to transform another. Has she shown a willingness and the wherewithal to make a new beginning of her own?

This is not to say that there is no room for hope or change or personal growth within a relationship. But going into a relationship with the dream of transforming another rarely leads to lasting love.

"You have to decide whose fantasy change is," my brother Mike told me. When he fell in love with Jan, a woman considerably younger than he is, he imagined mentoring her through graduate school and on to a challenging professional career. But Jan's dreams were different: She wanted to be a homemaker and mother. Mike reports that, after 16 years of a happy marriage and two delightful children now in adolescence, he and Jan have built a life that works wonderfully for them all. "What a difference it has made to let go of my idea of what I thought best for her and accept that she knew what was best for her and, as it turns out, for us," he said.

It's important to honor your own and your partner's dreams, to encourage growth but to realize that the choice to grow or change needs to be one's own. Time can help you to determine what's possible.

When newly in love and dreaming of a future together:

• Take it slow. Let time and reflection answer your questions about what matters and what doesn't for your future happiness—together or apart.
• Listen to the opinions of those who care and whom you trust, even if you’re not inclined to agree. It's hard to hear that not everyone shares your enthusiasm about your new love. But rather than angrily dismissing expressions of concern, explore why they feel the way they do. Maybe you can provide information or clarity that can help them change their minds. Or maybe they're seeing a red flag that you've wished away in this time of love and hope. You may never agree with these other opinions, but it's important to consider the source and their motivations. It's likely that friends and family want you to be happy. By listening and considering their views, even if you agree to disagree, you may reassure them that you're making a mature decision that feels right to you.
• Accept the reality that love does not conquer all. There are people who love each other but can't live with each other. Love can diminish in an endless cycle of addiction. "I knew my husband was an alcoholic before I married him," said my friend Ellie. "I could see he was unhappy and thought I could love him into happiness and he wouldn't need to drink anymore. I was wrong. He didn't want marriage or a family. Everything got worse no matter how hard I tried."
• Work out major differences before making any significant commitments. Major life transitions can be stressful, even for stable, loving relationships. Give yourselves time not only to share dreams but also to talk realistically about the future and what's possible as a couple. Get couples counseling if you find it hard to communicate or compromise on big life decisions before actually making those choices.
• Living happily ever after is a fairy tale, not reality. People who find lasting love together don't feel that love all the time. In any long relationship, there are cycles of closeness and distance. It's important to accept these as they come, without panic, blame, or complacency. Falling in love again and again as years go by is a blessing better than any romantic fantasies.