Understanding Asexuality

Over the past decade, a great deal of attention has been given to the variety of sexual identities evident throughout the human species. We as a species have all become much more aware that sexuality is much more diverse and multi-faceted. This has all been made even more compelling as we also recognize that sexual identity is often “fluid," meaning individuals may change their sexual identity to a different one, and then shift back.

One sexual identity that still does not receive much attention is asexuality. People who identify as asexual (also known as “Aces”) experience little or no sexual attraction to other people. They desire emotional intimacy but do not desire sexual intimacy (or do not desire it very much).

To understand asexuality as a sexual identity, it is important to recognize what it is not. Asexuality is not abstinence for religious reasons or because of a painful relationship. Asexuality is not related to finding sex painful or having medical issues that impact sexual pleasure. Asexuality is not sexual repression or a form of sexual dysfunction. Also, it is not a sexual identity that occurs because someone cannot find a partner.

Asexuality can be confusing for many because we think of sexuality as an essential part of being human. But it is not. Sexuality is certainly an important part of the human experience, but it is not essential. Human connectedness, which does not relate to sexuality, is a more important part of the human experience.

In fact, when considering asexuality, it is useful to keep in mind that from a biological perspective sex is only essential when it comes to reproduction. It has no other essential role in the human experience. When you take reproduction out of the equation, sex is not essential for humans. It is certainly, for the most part, a very positive aspect of being human and it is certainly very important to many people. But being pleasurable and important does not make it essential.

And, of course, not engaging in sex does not mean someone cannot be a parent. Adoption, in-vitro fertilization, and surrogacy are all alternative ways of becoming a parent without sex. Although it is also worth noting that not being interested in sex and not finding it important is not the same thing as not being able to have sex. Many asexual people do engage in sex with their partners when the goal is to have children. In this and other ways, sex can play a role in asexual people’s lives when it has a clear purpose.

It is interesting to consider that asexuality exists throughout the animal world; many nonhuman animal species are asexual. This includes the Komodo dragon, wasp, turkey, and scorpion. What is more fascinating here is that there is considerable biological research showing that individual animals within species are asexual (Jaron, Bast, Ranallo-Benavidez, Robinson-Rechavi & Schwander, 2018). So, just as there are individual humans who are asexual there are individuals within other animal species that are asexual.

When people recognize they are asexual, it can often be scary. It can also be scary for their families and loved ones. My experience is that this fear is often due to how much importance we tend to associate with sex. We see sex as something that is “essential” when it really is only very important. That may seem like a minor distinction but it really is a major one. All people live their lives without having something that someone else, often many “someone elses," find very important. Living as an individual human means finding a path forward with what you find important and not what others do.

In my experience, asexuality also scares people because they it think it means that an asexual person will live their life alone. Who, they think, would want to be in a relationship with someone who is not interested in sex? But this fear overlooks the beautiful ways that couples find ways of working out their differences when it comes to things like sex. Certainly, one way for an asexual person to be in a solid relationship is to find someone else who is asexual. This allows for a relationship that is emotionally intimate and not sexually intimate.

Being asexual does not require only that a person be in a relationship with someone who is asexual. Couples frequently differ on how much importance each puts on sex and have to find a way of navigating that difference. This is no difference for someone who is asexual being with someone who is sexual. In fact, an asexual partner/sexual partner relationship can often bring a unique connection when it comes to sex. This is because sex in that relationship will always involve one partner giving to other something they do not value (or do not value as much) but which they know the other person does. This can bring a lot more feelings of emotional intimacy when it comes to sex than is the case in a sexual partner/sexual partner relationship in which sex provides something positive equally to both partners.