How to Open Your Heart and Doors to Voluntary Kin

Around the holiday season, we often focus on what it means to be a family. Not everyone has a close and supportive relationship with their biological and legal (bio-legal) family, and not everyone has family living nearby. Consider:

• Kim lives in New York City and works long hours as an emergency room physician. While close to her bio-legal family in Oregon, she spent many holidays alone in New York.
• As a gay man, Wilson largely kept his biological family at arm’s length, worried they would not accept him. When he finally came out to his parents, they cut him out of their lives.
• When Tatu moved to the U.S. for graduate school, she was homesick for her family in Ethiopia and missed the traditions of her culture.

What Voluntary Families Can Contribute

Kim, Wilson, and Tatu each eventually formed special bonds with friends they have come to regard as family. These “friends as family” relationships are called by various names, such as “chosen,” “voluntary” or “fictive” family or kin (Braithwaite et al., 2010; Muraco, 2006). My research team studied how voluntary families form and their role in people’s lives:

• Kim maintained close ties with her parents and siblings in Oregon and eventually built a devoted group of friends in New York City who became a voluntary family. One of these family members, Grace, has visited Kim’s family — and Kim and Grace are planning on purchasing retirement property together.
• Wilson joined the local gay men’s chorus and appreciated the strong mentoring, assistance, and lavish holiday dinners with members of his new community. More than anything, he felt accepted and understood by this “band of brothers,” as they called themselves.
• Tatu connected with a close group of Ethiopian students and faculty members in her university community. They shared meals, support, and Ethiopian traditions. When Tatu married, her spouse and children became part of this voluntary family.

As communication scholars, we focus on voluntary family relationships as co-created through interactions rather than biologically or legally related. Voluntary family relationships are “talked into being,” meaning they are created and changed in interaction as members figure out expectations for themselves and others; for example, what to say and do (and not).

Voluntary families start as close friendships and develop their own particular family-like characteristics. These family relationships have always been in existence across different cultures (Chatters, 1994; Edbaugh & Curry, 2000). Some of these relationships stay active over many years and others are tied to a particular stage of life, such as a support group, college sorority, or military service units.

We have also talked with people who are not comfortable having voluntary kin relationships. Some of these people are not able or willing to broaden the definition of family in this way. Certainly, voluntary families are not for everyone.

In her book Single at Heart, Bella DePaulo also stressed that not everyone who is alone is lonely. Thus, if being part of a voluntary family would not be helpful or comfortable for you, of course there is no reason to force fit voluntary kin into your life.

Opening Your Heart to Voluntary Family

If you find yourself missing family living far away, you are estranged, or perhaps you don’t feel your bio-legal family understands you (or you them), you may consider seeking voluntary family. Most of these relationships start out as friendships and develop into feeling more familial. For instance, Kim began by hosting small holiday dinners for other hospital employees. What they called “orphan dinners” grew into the core of a voluntary family which increased as they welcomed in new people.

Action Step: If this all sounds positive, consider opening your heart to voluntary family in your life. The strong ties, trust, open communication, and even ability to weather change and conflict can bring unique rewards across different life stages. You might let a couple of valued friends know you’ll be alone over the holidays and see what happens. You can wait for an invitation or you may decide to offer invitations yourself.

It is also important to point out that having voluntary kin does not mean you cannot also be close to your bio-legal family. In fact, from our studies we came to think about voluntary family as “family plus” for those who joined together their voluntary and biological family members in positive ways (Braithwaite et al, 2016).

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Opening Your Door to Voluntary Family

If developing voluntary family ties sounds like a good idea, you can begin by identifying people who might appreciate forming this type of relationship with you. While becoming a voluntary family takes time, you can start small — meeting for coffee, going for a walk, attending a free concert, or doing some volunteer work. You may also consider inviting this person(s) to join you for a holiday meal.

Action Step: As you are able, consider opening your door to those who might appreciate being included. You can think about people such as those who may be older or living far from their family; or overwhelmed new parents, a newer immigrant, or perhaps someone estranged from their own bio-legal family. You might consider inviting them to bring some unique food, share a tradition from their own culture or family experience, or give a ride to someone else.

Especially around the holidays, I urge you to give some thought to who around you might be alone and perhaps feeling lonely. Realize that people may need some encouragement to accept your invitation and you may need to ask more than once. And of course, be willing to accept that not everyone will want to form this kind of a relationship.

Opening your heart to voluntary kin relationships has the potential to create unique experiences and closeness as you give and receive affection and support. Opening your door to voluntary family relationships has the potential to create rich blessings for you and others in your life.