Interracial Couples Married for Many Years: Their Successes

Interracial and interethnic marriages have been rising in the United States for decades, with every state experiencing an increase in the percentage of interethnic and interracial married households, according to the Census Bureau. According to the Pew Research Center, younger generations are the most likely to be in these marriages, with 13 percent of Millennials (those born between 1981 and 1996) in an interethnic or interracial marriage. In 2015, 17 percent of U.S. newlyweds married someone of a different race or ethnicity.

Intermarried couples have historically had to weather more challenges than intraracial couples due to past and present racial discrimination, as do their biracial or multiracial children. So what can we learn from those who have prevailed in their marriage over a lengthy period of time when potentially confronted with racially charged situations or microaggressions that can benefit the rising population of interracially and interethnically married couples and those that follow?

In research published recently in the Journal of Ethnic & Cultural Diversity in Social Work, I reported on interviews with 22 men and women who married someone of a different race or ethnicity. The participants had been married or dating and married to their spouses for at least 20 years. They ranged in age from 44 to 68 and had been together (married and dating) for an average of 28 years. The respondents were nine White women, four African American men, three White men, two Latinas, two Asian women, one African American woman, and one Asian man. The spouses were five White males, four African American males, four Asian females, four White females, three Asian males, and two Latinos. All responded to a series of open-ended questions about their experiences. The question described in this post was: “What have you found that is successful in dealing with any negative feedback or treatment from society, your family, or friends because you are in an interracial family?”

Strategies for interracial or interethnic couples

The participants identified five general strategies as successful in dealing with the negative feedback they had experienced over their many years together. Some participants gave responses that could fit in more than one strategy as a variety of approaches may have been employed at different times.

Strategy 1 — We experience negativity and do not confront it.

With this strategy, participants feel discomfort for themselves as a couple or for their children. They rely on a variety of non-confrontational responses. This is an active decision to essentially turn the other cheek or try to dissuade the intention behind the negativity by educating.

For example, an African American man married to a White woman frames the interactions in a manner that fits his life philosophy. “When presented with adversity, I have always attacked with positive energy. Treat every negative interaction as a teachable moment. Meet people where they are and not have their problems become yours.”

Strategy 2 — We don’t attend to it when it comes our way.

Whereas the partners in the first theme experience discomfort and formulate a response, participants who gave this response are seemingly not bothered by what comes their way. Their cognitive frame is such that they ignore reactions and do not “experience” them, a different response than the previous group, which actively works not to let it bother them.

A White woman married to an Asian man focuses on her support systems rather than the potential negativity. She told us, “I don’t really care what people think, I guess. I feel like I have enough friends, and we have enough family that care about us and don’t really care what society thinks about us.”

Strategy 3 — We actively try to avoid contexts or uncomfortable situations where negativity might arise.

Participants who voiced this strategy talked about taking specific steps not to be put in a position where they might experience negativity. If they do experience it and feel uncomfortable, they end the relationship.

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From this research and others, it is common for interracial couples to avoid areas of the country and specific settings where they might feel they are being negatively scrutinized. This strategy also includes avoiding social scenes that might be uncomfortable,

Strategy 4 — We show them we are great.

These participants are not directly confrontational and rather present as strong and proud of who they are, a sense of racial or ethnic pride as a couple. They revel in their strengths as a couple.

A White woman married to a Latino displays how comfortable she feels with her husband and believes that garners positive attention. “You know how they say success is the best revenge? Like, to me, the success of our marriage and our love and our families speak for themselves.”

Strategy 5 — We are protecting and preparing the next generation to speak up.

A few participants described passing on to their children the need for caution in their behavior as well as the need for pride and speaking up when responding to negativity. This intergenerational strategy helps the participants feel that they are working against the negativity for their children and others.

An African American woman married to a White man takes a proactive approach with her children in the face of negativity directed at them or anyone else. “They are more apt to stop instances of bullying and racism on all sides and on any front. We’ve raised them to be very accepting of people who are different from them and appreciate the differences. So, they have a very different vantage point.”

Suggestions for therapists

Clinicians working with intermarried couples have a knowledge of what strategies have been successful for long-married couples. It is likely that both partners may not be on the same page all the time as to what strategy to take, as one partner may have a history of traumatic experiences with racism that the other partner does not share. Take a position of cultural humility wherein you realize you are most likely different from the identity of one or both of the partners.

Coupled with this would be understanding the unique characteristics of the couple in relation to their gender, race, religion or spirituality, and class mix—their intersectionality. Be aware of racial socialization processes in children of interracial couples and the emerging literature on this topic. Family support can be key here when it is forthcoming. Stay current on what is happening in society with hate crimes against minority groups and how those shape how couples talk about themselves, their children, and those they love.

Finally, listen to the couple. Not all intermarried couples experience negativity from society or family. Meet them where they are.