You Make Sense

One of the big lessons I love from Buddhist psychology (supported by neuroscience) is this: you make sense. This is true whether you are suffering or thriving, sure of your place in the world or feeling as lost as you’ve ever felt. Who you are, how you are: it all makes sense. Really!

Imperfect Learning Robots

Though we experience life uniquely, we are all constantly undergoing the same basic process: we use our senses to take in information, we react to that information (emotionally, intellectually, physically, etc.), we draw conclusions about the world, we update previous beliefs, and then we think and behave accordingly as we carry onward.

This is an endless process that starts the moment we are born and continues until our death. Our experiences, our age, our personality, and how we live our lives will factor into how exactly this unfolds, but essentially this process of learning through experience is universal and natural.

It is important to note that this process is not perfect. Perceptions are not reality, our ability to make sense of our perceptions is often skewed by biases, and we don’t update our beliefs formulaically or using statistical logic. We are like highly imperfect learning robots. Robots with an operating system that reflects the nature of our particular life experiences and personal attributes.

The Brain’s Operating System

Like the operating system of a computer, our brain’s ever-evolving operating system functions in the background, often outside of our awareness. It sets the stage for what we expect to occur day-to-day, how we perceive and think about events and people who enter our world, what we can tolerate, how easy we find it to change, etc. This system is both subtle and fundamental to everything we think, feel, and do.

So what does this mean for you? "How is this supposed to make me feel any better?" you ask. For starters, you can stop blaming yourself for being “imperfect.” You are how you are, who you are, because of the qualities you were born with, the life you have lived, and the ways life has shaped you. You have adapted to the world just as you were designed to. For example, if you were mistreated as a child, you probably learned to believe the world is not safe; you may struggle with anxiety. If you were treated like a queen growing up, you may be frustrated when others don’t bend to your whims. However this plays out for you, it makes sense!

The other critical takeaway of all this: you have become just as you are through a process that is ongoing. You aren’t stuck here. Thanks to neuroplasticity, the same mechanisms that got you here can get you to where you want to go.

Upgrading Your System

If you aren’t happy with your operating system, time to upgrade. Here are some steps you can take:

1. Self-awareness. Start this process by understanding how you got here. Review the lessons of your childhood and other life experiences and how they shaped your thoughts, outlook, beliefs, and tendencies. Take into account your personality and how it influences your perceptions, reactions, and behaviors in the face of these life experiences. Journaling or working with a therapist can help facilitate this journey.

2. Self-acceptance. Counterintuitive as it is, in order to change you must first accept your current functioning. Acknowledge that you are a being who is adapted to the world you’ve experienced in the past. Offer gratitude for your wisdom and your brain’s capacity to survive and adapt to the life you’ve had. Accept where you are on your journey.

3. Mindfulness. Use mindful pauses to notice the thoughts, sensations, reactions, and habits that have formed and become “normal” for you. Notice which are working for you and which aren’t.

4. Try on a new perspective. Imagine how another person might perceive and act in a situation/pattern you find yourself stuck in. Select a specific person and try to imagine the circumstance if you were in their shoes. How might a third person experience these events? Practicing this kind of diversity of thought is powerful for breaking us out of rigid thinking patterns.

Neuroscience Essential Reads

Why Some Types of Love Feel Stronger Than Others

The Joy of Dance

5. Change your circumstances. If we learn through experiences with the world, then the best way to change your brain’s beliefs about the world is to change the world around you. This means evaluating:

• How you spend your time. What lights you up? What brings you down? How can you create an expectation that life is a gift, rather than a chore? What does that look like day-to-day? Make these changes. Push back against thoughts that such change is impossible—that is your old operating system talking. Your life is yours to make what you want. No excuses!
• Who you spend time with. Who makes you feel safe? Valued? Appreciated? You can teach your brain that others are trustworthy, loving, and helpful by spending time with people who are so. You also strengthen this belief by consistently behaving this way yourself.
• What you have to be grateful for. You’ve heard it a million times by now but taking the time to express gratitude teaches your brain to notice things to be grateful for. Daily gratitude is one of the easiest ways to upgrade your perspective.
• What you have to contribute. You are co-creating the world around you, alongside the rest of us. What are you contributing? Be intentional about the energetic wake you are leaving for those around you.

6. Compassion. Remember that others are on this very same journey. We learn to offer one another grace when we recognize that we are all acting on lessons learned through life experiences. Even seemingly inexplicable behavior has an explanation, and one that makes sense if taken in the context of all information. Being humble and focusing on the commonalities among us—the way we all make sense—can help increase our sense of connection and compassion, ultimately generating the types of nurturing, positive life experiences we all benefit from.