6 Tactics to Challenge Maladaptive Perfectionism in Youth

In my recent post, "Our Culture of Overachievement Exhausting Our Youth," I explored how maladaptive perfectionism in youth leads to adverse emotional and social consequences. Unhealthy levels of perfectionism in youth can manifest in sleep problems, difficulties concentrating, and emotional and physical burn out.

But the good news is that parents, schools and communities can play an active role in countering these influences to help youth develop a strong foothold on their mental health, self-care, and resilience during this critical developmental phase.

Here are six ways you can support healthy achievement in your child or teen.

Value and Encourage Balance

If your goal is to help your child be successful in the marathon of life, try not to treat it like a sprint. Emphasize a balance between achievement and well-being. Help her learn how to set healthy boundaries for what she will and won’t do and identify when something is “good enough.” Support her in challenging exhaustive and unnecessary actions. Help her test assumptions about perfection by changing rigid habits and tolerating imperfection in small ways so she can recognize that she can both survive and thrive with it.

For example, if your adolescent is up late at night and stressed that she has not finished an assignment, help her explore the pros and cons of staying up later. While she may feel it is a catastrophe to turn in a partially completed assignment, putting a minor life situation in perspective is a critically important skill for building resilience. What would be the worst thing about turning in an imperfect assignment? Would it affect her overall grade that much? Is it possible the sleep is of greater benefit at this point?

To be sure, there is incredible value in persistence and commitment. However, we must recognize when life has become off balance and provide our bodies and minds with much needed rest and recharge without the fear of falling off an illusory academic cliff.

Promote Competence and Self Compassion, not Perfection

Teaching your child to prioritize tasks and focus on competency and efficiency will serve up heaping benefits later when he has to juggle a variety of competing college and work related demands. Help your teen identify and establish SMART goals—that is, goals that are specific, measurable, achievable, relevant and time bound.

Teachers can also support healthy work habits by helping their students identify perfectionism and instill a growth mindset around work challenges and grades. For more information, The National Association for Able Children in Education (NACE) has put together a variety of resources for schools, which include practical strategies for teaching “perfectionism literacy.”

In addition, many teens benefit from training in self-compassion to accept imperfect performance. Luckily, there are therapeutic services and groups that support this development. For example, the Center for Mindful Self Compassion offers a variety of online resources and programs, including those geared towards teens and training for educators. This Center is directed by two research psychologists and leaders in this field of study.

Model a Balanced Lifestyle

Consider whether your lifestyle models for your child or teen what you value, what you would like them to value, and how you would like them to function. Whatever you demonstrate, your child will be likely to emulate. If you would like your teen to be less obsessively focused and stressed about his academics and other responsibilities, consider what he observes from you. Do you work throughout the evening? Does he observe you participate in hobbies, spend time with friends, rest and value downtime? How does he observe you manage stress?

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Encourage and model balance and self-care. Treat it as a family value. Eat together and engage in enjoyable activities as a family. Even something as simple as watching a TV show together can be an opportunity for connection as family members chat about the plot and interesting characters or laugh together. Consider practicing meditation, yoga, or taking a walk with your teen. These activities offer the implicit message that pleasure, social intimacy and relaxation are of value.

Address Your Own Anxiety

Research has found that parental anxiety predicts child burnout and that burnout runs in families. Be honest with yourself about how you perceive the world and your place in it. Have missed opportunities in your own life led to overcompensation in your child’s life in an effort to enable him to succeed in ways you may not have? Are you worried your child will not get into an elite college? Are you afraid that if he is not working all the time he won’t keep up with his peers?

Be aware when you are displacing your own needs for gratification and acknowledgement onto your child’s lap. Consider what indirect or unintentional messages may be coming across when your anxiety creeps in. And if you can stay calm about his grades, he will learn to have a calmer relationship with his grades too. Expectations are important, but strive for realistic and achievable ones. If a child feels they cannot meet unrealistic expectations, he will often shut down, resist or burn out trying to meet them.

And if you are overscheduling your child to ensure she has every opportunity possible, think again. To be sure, structured activities and organized sports offer wonderful opportunities for building resilience, talent, and grit. But breaks from work and structure offer occasions for recharge, self-regulation, stress management, and social connection. We desperately need both. We also need our environment, that is, school, home and the community, to support and nurture both.

Value Play and Exploration

Never underestimate the value of actively including free and unstructured time throughout the week. Play and exploration have been found to be critical for brain development, enhancing children’s creativity, problem-solving, social skills, confidence and mastery. Children explore their world through various creative scenarios, learn how to relate to peers, uncover passions, and build confidence through self-directed discovery. Unstructured time also offers protective benefits against stress and pressure.

Providing adolescents space and time to nurture what makes them happy can cultivate a sense of peace. Adequate time devoted to social and emotional health is critical for self-regulation. It gives our nervous system time to “downregulate” or slow down and return to baseline. And time spent with parents that is not goal-focused is a key opportunity for youth to benefit from unconditional positive attention and connection. That is, the message to our children that we love them just as they are, separate and independent from what they accomplish.

Similarly, avoid daily commentary about what other kids and families are doing and achieving. This can lead to an unhealthy habit of your child weighing the value of what he does relative to others. Instead, you can support your child by helping him define and nurture his own personal goals. Praise his effort towards self-improvement and his passion towards hobbies and pursuits.

Maintain Reasonable Expectations and Pick your Battles

“Finish your homework, chores, read for an hour, and practice your instrument. Attend every practice and game without fail.” While having standards and expectations of your child is critically important and a part of a healthy parenting approach, make sure your expectations are reasonable and not relentless.

When your expectations are not met, explore in a curious way what worked and what didn’t. Search for the positives in an attempt she made or a strategy that had potential, even if it did not lead to full success. For example, when your middle schooler gets distracted by social media use during homework time, get curious. Help her articulate what the obstacles are, what she sees as potential solutions, what she has tried before, and work collaboratively whenever possible to generate a plan that helps you and her put healthy boundaries in place.

Avoid blaming, diminishing or threatening when she is off track. And if there are things you can let go of, do it. Pick your battles and focus on what is high priority. Children can feel like they are under a microscope when parents offer too frequent corrections or are overly concerned about minor mistakes. This breeds insecurity, lower confidence and less accountability. This is especially true if you also do for them what they can do for themselves.

Instead, scaffold only what is needed. It is true that some children and teens require more support and scaffolding and others require less. Know what is needed for your child and don’t overdo it. Give your child flexibility for how they will meet daily expectations and the ability to make choices in the process. Impart the viewpoint that life is a journey and mistakes are opportunities to grow through insights, reflection and wisdom. And offer positive commentary and praise willingly and frequently for progress along the way.

And in terms of college, help him think broadly and flexibly about what schools will be a good fit. Let go of an attitude that only a small handful of schools are good enough. You can also remind him to focus on what he can control—his effort and engagement, not his admittance. And you can reinforce your positive belief that if he puts the effort in, options will follow.

As with most things in life, balance is key. Supporting both achievement and emotional health will enable your child to establish a strong foundation of life skills and thrive academically, socially and emotionally.