Before You Quit Therapy, Ask About These Two Words

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Mental health trends aren’t novel. Different therapeutic treatments come and go in popularity, from psychoanalysis in the 1950s (which remains popular) to current-day approaches like eye movement desensitization reprocessing (EMDR). The mental health field certainly has timely favorites. But what happens when the popular thing to do in therapy is to quit? We are currently in a moment when ending therapy happens to be in vogue. Abigail Shrier book Bad Therapy describes overdiagnosing issues, over-intervention with kids, and ultimately, the possibility that maybe we don’t need so much examination of our lives. The book reached No. 1 on Amazon and has received praise from celebrities like Elon Musk. It might be true that, culturally, we have hit a saturation point with therapy.

Perhaps people do need a break, or they might be done with therapy, but is anyone actually better equipped to handle life’s inevitable stressors? As a practicing psychologist, I think there is one question to ask your therapist before taking the plunge and ending things: “How is my distress tolerance?”

Distress tolerance is a therapeutic skill that asks us to engage with pain and learn to move through it because it is entirely unavoidable. Not being able to endure pain is a problem, and it is one that we have been experiencing culturally for quite some time. Despite knowing that suffering is a part of life, we try so hard to avoid it. Tolerating pain is not something our current culture promotes. We would much rather avoid discomfort or try to find solutions to the pain.

Avoiding pain is heavily built into our modern lives. Consider the concept of convenience. We live in an on-demand culture. This speed with which we move leaves little room for tolerating any difficulty.

When it comes to our emotional capacity, we fare no better. Emotional discomfort is averted at all stakes. Our youth seem to hide from experiences that might be unpleasant. Teens don’t drive, and Gen Z doesn’t have sex. Parents often collude in the avoidance by not forcing kids to get uncomfortable, a point that Jonathan Haidt’s Anxious Generation makes.

Where are we best at distress tolerance? When we exercise. Challenging ourselves and remaining uncomfortable is most certainly encouraged and embraced in the athletic world. “Change happens in the discomfort,” “no pain, no gain,” and “time under tension” are among the clichés I have heard in various exercise classes. When we are moving our bodies, we understand the benefit of tolerating the momentary pain that comes in order to grow. What about building our psychological capabilities? Where are the gyms for that kind of growth? I can assure you that they are not in the spaces many turn to nowadays, such as online.

Spending exorbitant amounts of time online isn’t good for anyone. Globally, we spend an average of six-plus hours online per day, according to Fortune; Americans average seven hours online. When looking at social media use, teens spend an average of almost five hours on social media, according to Gallup. The internet landscape leaves such little room for distress tolerance by neglecting nuance. Polarization is steeped in the discord that exists online. There is no longer the desire to understand where someone is coming from or to try to find the gray; rather, the internet is a manifestation of what we in the therapy world call black-and-white thinking. There are just two sides or options. This type of thinking is, in fact, considered to be a cognitive distortion linked to depression.

Regardless of whether we need weekly psychotherapy or not, our collective mental health is on the decline, and there is no doubt that a growing number of folks impacted by the “loneliness epidemic" will continue to suffer. Building a distress tolerance practice doesn’t demand that we participate in any formal treatment. But it does require slowing down. Mindfulness is, in fact, deeply connected to the building of this practice. Using the skills of observation allows us to not necessarily rush to any sort of solution or escape plan from our pain.

Building distress tolerance requires an acknowledgment of any pain and a goal of not necessarily moving away from the challenging experiences. Like an exercise practice, we have to do this again and again, until we are more equipped to tolerate discomfort. It is time we start talking more about the benefits of leaning into life’s adversities instead of rushing to escape them.