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Key points
- Suicide is a difficult subject to discuss, but children need honest information.
- When explaining a suicide death to children, it is important to use clear, simple language.
- Children often believe they are responsible, so it can help to tell them directly it was not their fault.
The death of a loved one is the most difficult life event that many children ever experience. A death due to suicide can be especially hard to face. Parents and caregivers may feel overwhelmed as they try to decide what to tell their children about a suicide death while struggling with their own grief over how the person died.
As a caregiver, your job is not to completely take away your child’s pain. Grief is a naturally painful experience and a reflection of the child’s love for the person who died. Instead, your role is to help your child to share whatever thoughts or feelings they may have and to feel understood and safe in doing so.
September marks National Suicide Prevention Month, and in that spirit, here are five tips to help caregivers speak to children about a suicide death and to help them grieve in normal and healthy ways.
1. Be honest
Although caregivers may believe they are protecting their children by hiding the fact that a loved one died by suicide, doing so may lead to more problems down the road. For example, children can become even more upset, worried, or angry if they are left to guess or imagine how the person died. Children may also begin to wonder whether their caregivers can be trusted if they believe their caregivers are hiding things from them. This lack of trust can make it harder for children to talk to their caregivers at a time when they most need and want open and honest communication.
By giving children truthful information about a suicide death, caregivers convey the message, “Even though this is hard to talk about, I have confidence that you can handle it, and we can get through this together.”
2. Use developmentally appropriate language
When explaining a suicide death to children, it is important to use clear, simple language, while considering their developmental stage and their own individual grief reactions. There are many different reasons why a person may die by suicide, and it is not always possible to know exactly why such a death occurred. This uncertainty can make understanding and explaining the death much more difficult.
You can begin the conversation by pointing out (if appropriate) that some people die by suicide because they suffer from a serious mental health problem. It is helpful to let children know that most of the time, people with serious mental health problems can get the help they need, through counseling or medication, so they don’t feel the need to end their lives.
It can also be comforting to let children know that mental health problems are not contagious illnesses like the flu, and they are not destined to develop serious mental health problems or to die by suicide just because another family member did so.
3. Hold space for multiple conversations
After giving basic information and facts about how the person died, it is helpful to let your child ask questions and let them guide the conversation. Children are often able to handle only small pieces of information at a time and ask only for information that they are ready to hear.
They may want to have the same conversation with you at another time and may ask you similar questions (often many times) as they try to make sense of the death or hear new information. This “revisiting” may happen naturally as kids grow and better understand what it means to die by suicide. It is helpful to let your child know that you are open to answering any other questions they may have, whenever they may have them.
4. Assure them they’re not to blame
Some children (and adults, for that matter) believe they are to blame for a suicide death in the family, even though they may not share these thoughts or feelings openly. Some children may also believe that if the person had loved them enough, they would not have died by suicide. If you believe that your child is feeling guilty or somehow responsible for the death, it can help to tell them directly that it is not their fault. You can also reassure your child by letting them know how much the person loved and cared for them.
5. Practice self-care
Caregivers are often so worried about caring for their children after a suicide death that they forget to care for themselves. Remember that the care you may need (including support from family, friends, and/or a therapist) is just as important as caring for your child. Getting the help you need will also make it easier for you to be there for your child and can be an important opportunity for you to model good self-care—including asking for help if you need it.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
