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Key points
- When people worry about money, sometimes money is a proxy for other concerns and fears.
- In conflicts, money can give a numerical value to things that are immeasurable.
- By understanding what money might be standing in place of, people can relate better to themselves and others.
Finances are among the top subjects of apprehension I hear about as a therapist. It's one I and most people I know can relate to. It doesn't seem to matter how much we have—there is always a question of whether there will be enough.
Sometimes, the concern is imminent. If you have ever had near zero (or below) dollars in a bank account, you know the panic I reference here.
Other times, money seems to take on symbolic meanings as diverse as safety, freedom, or a reflection of one's self-worth.
When I hear people's conflicts about money, I often substitute these meanings in my mind.
Teleological Mode and Money
Mentalization is our ability to gather our own and others' mental states as we interact (Bateman and Fonagy, 2012). Our capacity for mentalization often changes throughout the day and can be negatively impacted by elements like stress. When mentalization is challenged, we may resort to pre-mentalizing modes of relating. These pre-mentalizing modes are limiting and make it more difficult for us to connect with ourselves and others.
In mentalization-based therapy, a common pre-mentalizing mode is the "teleological mode." The teleological mode means over-focusing on something tangible and easily observable in understanding mental states. For example, if someone parks in "my" parking spot, and I assume they are mad at me, I might be working from a teleological mode. Such patterns block us from effective communication.
From my observations, during times of scarcity especially, the topic of money is like a divining rod for the teleological mode. How we spend, save, give, and earn money can be mistaken as a placeholder for what we value. Money lends a number to things that might be immeasurable. An illustration of this is if someone breaks something that costs a certain amount of money, there is a dollar amount to attach to the harm. Yet, if someone breaks another person's trust, there is no such number.
In another view, one might hope that by giving a certain amount to another (or buying something of that value), they can make up for a wrong even if the initial slight had nothing to do with money. Rarely are transgressions so simple.
Money can also serve as a proxy in topics of anxiety. For example, someone might stress about how much they have in their bank account. What we are truly concerned about might relate more to whether we have enough to do what we want (freedom), but that is tricky to quantify. So, they might instead focus on money.
Unlike the value of freedom, money is more concrete. We might get a sense that if we just save enough, we'll be alright. This can drive us to overwork and lose sight of what we wish to do with the capabilities and time we believe money will give us.
In Closing
If you find yourself fighting with others or yourself about money, ask yourself, is it really about the cash? Is there something more abstract behind the emotion? Sometimes, there is, and without uncovering what underlies this, it can be tricky to work through the original difficulty. Taking time to slow down, focus on what matters most, and communicate openly can allow us to work through the teleological traps that money can present.
