8 Steps to Letting Other People Down

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An underrated skill of adulthood is learning to disappoint others. Sounds strange, right? But it's true.

Disappointing others means learning to say "No" to things beyond your capacity and sitting with the discomfort of others feeling disappointed by that. This process means developing strong values, communicating them effectively, and self-soothing when others dislike your choices.

Learning to disappoint others sets you up to live in alignment with your values and capacity. And while it may feel unkind or harsh, we can learn to disappoint others kindly, firmly, and lovingly. Here’s how:

1. Remember why you are choosing to do something that disappoints somebody else. You can't make it to an event because you're stretched too thin? You can’t babysit your niece because you have to go to a work event? You are leaving a job because they fail to support you? Remember your reasons and stay grounded in them. When we can remember and stay aligned with our needs and remember why they are important, others’ reactions to them become easier to manage.
2. Express yourself kindly, firmly, and compassionately. "I wish I could be there and I know it will be an incredible party. I won't be able to make it this time." When disappointing someone, your job is to communicate well and allow the other person to respond and feel however they feel. It is not your responsibility to prevent them from having a big feeling. It is your job to have the conversation respectfully.
3. Empathize while disappointing the other person. "I know this is really disappointing. I'm disappointed too! I wish we could see both families for Thanksgiving, but the distance is too far apart. We can wait until Christmas." When you empathize with the impact your choice has on others, you indicate that you understand your impact. And you may also be disappointed. Sometimes we make decisions that disappoint others and ourselves, and it is OK to share in that feeling.
4. When that disappointment feels hard, check in with yourself. Have I done anything wrong or is it just hard to see somebody else feel hurt and disappointed? Differentiate between times when you have genuinely caused harm and when you have simply chosen something that another person dislikes.
5. Breathe.
6. Follow through. If you have made a grounded, reasonable decision that does not cause harm but disappoints someone else, keep going. You have made a rational decision, communicated it respectfully, empathized, and checked in with yourself. Now it is time to sit with the discomfort of knowing someone else is disappointed by your choice.
7. Validate yourself. Remind yourself that it makes sense that it is hard to disappoint others because you are a generous, empathetic person. Maybe you even have a history of trying to prevent others from experiencing their feelings and as a result, you do everything you can to avoid disappointing others. This means you may have a history of doing things you did not want to do or that were beyond your capacity. Remind yourself that it feels hard because disappointing others is hard and practicing new skills is hard.
8. Set it down. People who hate to disappoint others carry around the way others feel and own it as their own. It is OK to set it down. A person is allowed to feel disappointed. You are allowed to keep moving. Set it down.

Disappointing others by saying no to what you cannot offer is a valuable skill to carry through adulthood. It allows you to say yes to the things you can do. It gives other people the freedom to carry their own feelings. Ultimately, this leads to more honest relationships in which everyone offers what they can.

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