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Key points
- Finding ways to respond with patience and care, rather than judgment and anger, to problem behaviors is a challenge faced by all parents.
- Parents of neurodevelopmentally atypical children and adolescents are faced with this ‘finding forbearance’ challenge more often than most.
- Applying research on social cognition, attributions, automatic versus deliberate thinking, accessibility, and priming can be helpful.
It has been my experience in my practice that all parents fiercely love their neurodevelopmentally atypical children and students. They strive to respond with understanding and patience, in ways that are caring and growth promoting, when their neurodevelopmentally atypical children behave problematically. They experience remorse and even self-blame and guilt when they, sometimes, respond angrily and punitively rather than in the ways they intend.
I sometimes tell parents “If you get it right 80% of the time you are doing great. If you get it right 100% of the time, we will call a priest and discuss saintliness (or a rabbi and discuss hasidut, an imam and discuss exceptional holiness).” This usually gets a laugh, and expressions of appreciation for understanding and not judging them and their lives. They usually ask, though, "How can I do better?" "How can I respond more often to my child’s problem behaviors with forbearance and care?" "How can I keep in mind that they're doing what they're doing not because they are intentionally ‘bad’, but because of their atypical brain biology?" "How can I respond with more love and less anger?"
This post is about how understanding, then applying, some social psychology research can help.
Social Cognition
A primary focus of social psychology theorists and researchers is social cognition, that is “how people think about themselves and the social world, or more specifically, how people select, interpret, remember, and use social information to make judgments and decisions” (Aronson et. al. 2010). Our perceptions and interpretations of social information in large part determine our reactions to other people when they behave well or at least as expected and especially when they behave poorly or in unexpected ways. This includes our reactions (e.g., patient versus exasperated and angry) to our neurodevelopmentally atypical children and students.
Internal and External Attributions
Social psychology research suggests that our attributions, or explanations for others (and our own) behaviors, are an especially important, even determinative, part of our social cognitions. When someone behaves poorly or problematically do we form internal attributions, seeing them as behaving willfully, choosing to behave poorly or problematically? Do we see them as intentionally ‘rude’ or ‘careless’ or ‘lazy’ or ‘bad’? Or do we form external attributions, seeing their environment or their learning history or even their brain biology (physically internal yes, but external to their ‘self’ and largely outside their awareness and control) as causing them to behave poorly or problematically? When we form an internal attribution we are more likely to respond angrily, critically, and punitively. When we form an external attribution we are more likely to respond with understanding, patience, and support.
The Fundamental Attribution Error
One of the most robust (frequently repeated or demonstrated) findings in social psychology is that when other people behave poorly or problematically our automatic (quick, involuntary, effortless, out of awareness) brain systems tend to form internal attributions — we blame the person. It is only later (seconds at least, and even minutes or hours or days) that our deliberate (slower, controlled, effortful) brain systems may, though not always, take over and form external attributions — we blame the person’s biology, environment, or history, not the person.
Automatic vs Deliberate Processing (Thinking Fast and Slow)
Nobel prize winning psychologist Daniel Kahneman suggests that when our automatic (quick, out of awareness) brain systems are forming attributions, ‘what you see is all there is’. When we as parents are struggling with problem behaviors, what we ‘see’ is the child, not their neurobiology. It takes time and effort for our deliberate brain (slow, conscious) brain systems to register and take into account what we do not or only dimly see — biology, history, and environment — when our child is behaving problematically. Kahneman emphasizes that our ability to make this kind of deliberate effort requires focus and energy and is impacted by how tired, hungry, or distracted we are. We can become ‘cognitively depleted’ in ways similar to how our children can be ‘cognitively depleted’, and thus be more likely to behave problematically when they return home after a long school day.
Priming External Attributions, Slowing Things Down, and Self-Care
When parents ask me to help them respond to their child’s or adolescent’s problem behavior with more patience and care, I suggest they are asking me to help them keep what they know about their child — ‘my child is acting this way because of their brain biology’ — in mind even when they are tired, or hungry, or running late, or distracted by work or family stressors, or their child is simply being an especially challenging pain. I talk to them about how research suggests that priming can make external attributions more accessible (the extent to which external attributions are in mind and thus likely to be used).
We then discuss and identify cognitive and behavioral strategies for priming the ‘my child is acting this way because of their brain biology’, external, attribution. These might include brief written reminders prominently placed in their home or car, on their phone or computer desktop. Or drawings or photographs of times when they responded to problematic behaviors in the ways they wanted to respond.
Or we might practice, even role-play (I get to be the child or adolescent behaving poorly) ‘self-talk’ or ‘coping imagery’ in the therapy session. And/or we might agree they will set aside time, even if only a few minutes at a time, to practice ‘self-talk’ or ‘coping imagery’ between sessions — in some ways like developing a practice of regular meditation or prayer.
We might enlist their partner or someone else in the family, or a friend, to prompt and reinforce (e.g., with praise or hugs) adaptive external attributions and loving parenting behaviors. I might suggest joining a support group for parents of atypical children. Support groups offer social and emotional support and regular reminders of and ways to think about the ‘brain-bio model’ and perhaps even someone to call or text in the moment when support and reminders are needed most.
We discuss ‘slowing things down’ and pausing before responding to their child’s problem behaviors in order to give their deliberate brain systems and external attributions time to come online. 'Slowing things down' might include stepping away or taking a break (even if only for a few minutes), going for a walk, or telling their child or adolescent “we are going to talk about this and there will be consequences, but I want to calm down first.”
We discuss self-care strategies that might help them be less tired or hungry or stressed, less cognitively depleted, when they need to put in the effort to act more deliberately and less automatically. Yes, I know, finding ways to get more sleep, eating more regularly and healthily, and engaging in more pleasurable activities is often next to impossible for most parents, but next to impossible is not the same as impossible and even small steps towards self-care can be a difference that makes a difference.
An Invitation
If you would like to get better at making external attributions about and responding more patiently to your neurodevelopmentally atypical child’s poor or problem behaviors, I invite you to try one or more of the priming strategies discussed above — or create one of your own. Slowing things down and more self-care can also help you gain access to this way of thinking.
Please don’t, though, expect or try to be perfect, to respond with patience and care, 100 percent of the time. Being patient with yourself, not just your child or adolescent, is important. We are human beings; not a saint, tzadik, wali, guru, bodhisattva, or kami; and should treat ourselves accordingly, with acceptance and especially forgiveness.
References
Aronson, E., Wilson, T. D. & Akert, R. M. (2010). Social Psychology (7th Ed.). New York: Prentice Hall.
Kahneman, D. (2011). Thinking, Fast & Slow. New York: Farrar, Straus & Giroux.
