"What Can I Do About My Child's Tantrums?"

The truth is that having a toddler or preschooler with tantrums can feel a lot like dealing with a child who is possessed. It can also be a very lonely experience—especially when you're in a public place, your child starts screaming, and you have to abandon a cart full of groceries to carry a screaming banshee to the car (all while trying not to get kicked in the face).

Most parents expect the tantrums to subside by the end of “terrible 2s.” But sadly, research has shown us that while 87 percent of two-year-olds have tantrums regularly, a whopping 91 percent of three-year-olds continue to tantrum. About 20 percent of young children have tantrums every day. The good news is that these numbers begin to subside by age five, and we expect children to greatly decrease (if not stop) daily tantrums by age six. (If your child is still having tantrums three or more times a week at age 6, I would advise you to seek a mental health consultation.)

Here are the typical things I hear from parents when they describe their children's tantrums:

• "He is disrespectful."
• "She hates me."
• "He has ADHD."
• "He needs to be punished."
• "I am a bad parent."
• "She is out of control."
• "He has bipolar disorder."

But here are the “true” reasons why children most often have tantrums between the ages of two and six:

• "I am hungry."
• "I am exhausted."
• "I am frustrated."
• "I am scared/worried/anxious."
• "I am sad."
• "I am experiencing sensory overload."
• "I am sick/I am in pain."
• "No one is listening to me."
• "I can’t slow down to listen."
• "If I whine enough, they will pay attention to me."
• "I always win in arguments."
• "They never remember to discipline me anyway."

The question remains: How do you handle tantrums as a parent? (Because who can live like this?) My main advice to parents of littles is to get patience, a good network of parents who can reassure them that they are not alone, and a pair of earplugs or good headphones. But if you want to really up your parent game and you can’t handle the tantrums anymore, you can try prevention. Here's how.

1. Reduce triggers in the child's environment.

These include:

• Sensory triggers: Does your child become easily overwhelmed by noises, sounds, or smells? Take steps to either remove them from such an environment or block the sensations as much as possible.
• Social triggers: Does your child struggle in large group settings? Either keep the child in smaller settings or limit the amount of time spent in large group settings (give breaks).
• Time: Is your child more difficult to deal with in the morning? Afternoon? Evening?
• Other: Does your child tantrum more if they did not get enough sleep, if they're hungry, or if Mom is on the phone? If so, plan and prevent such triggers from occurring.

2. Address overstimulation, hunger, and lack of sleep as triggers by the following methods.

• Feed the child. My big trick as a mom and a psychologist is to tell parents to carry small snack packages in their purses. It will often stop a tantrum.
• Remove the child from noise. If your child is having a tantrum in a store, leave your shopping cart, go to the car, and wait for the child to calm down (See the snack idea above). You may be able to return once your child has settled down.
• Hug the child/hold the child. Ignoring is not always the best option; offering your child a hug or holding your child on your lap may work better. Rub his back gently. Don't restrain!
• Help the child get to sleep or distract her with a quiet activity.

3. Avoid fighting unnecessary battles.

Not everything is worth arguing about.

4. Don’t always say “no.” Instead, say “yes.”

• “Yes, you can do this as soon as...”
• “I would love to let you have candy right after...”
• “I can see you really want to. Next time we definitely can.”

5. Finally, practice difficult situations and discuss a plan before leaving home.