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Things No One Told Me: The Importance of Advising Dynamics
What kind of Ph.D. advisor-advisee relationship makes sense for you?
Posted October 16, 2020
This is part 3 of the "Things No One Told Me About Getting a Psychology Ph.D." series (see part 1, part 2, part 4, part 5, and part 6) developed and co-authored with Jessica P. Montoro. Jessica is a fourth-year doctoral candidate in Developmental Psychology at the University of Michigan.
Just as a reminder: Several of the topics discussed are specific to pursuing a Ph.D. at a research-intensive institution and in a full-time, fully-funded program. With that in mind, a “dialogue” is shared between an advisee (Jess) and her advisor (Debbie) to provide two perspectives on a range of different topics. We don’t claim to have these figured out, but we think these posts could be used as springboards for conversations between mentors and mentees.
#3: Think about what kind of advisor-advisee relationship makes sense for you.
Advisee: The relationship you cultivate with your research advisor is one of the most important and valuable relationships you will develop in graduate school. It may be one of the most intimate relationships you will foster during this time. An advisor will not only guide you through the birth and completion of your research projects, but they will also advise you on what courses to take and possibly provide funding opportunities. For better or for worse, how long you stay in your program and how much you thrive while there is often contingent upon your advisor.
One can liken an advisor-advisee relationship to the beginnings of a friendship. When you first meet, you are both learning about one another’s history, working style, and research interests. You both present the best version of yourselves in that first meeting. Over time, you learn about each other’s quirks, pet peeves, and expectations. Next thing you know, you are divulging your family issues, health concerns, or anxieties about the job market at your meetings.
Navigating a solid advisor-advisee relationship is like a fine dance between vulnerability and oversharing. You want to establish your own boundaries in terms of what you share while respecting your advisor’s boundaries. Nonetheless, they should be kept in the know about any life stuff that may impact your program progress.
Like any other type of relationship, advisor-advisee relationships don’t always work out. When there is not a good fit between you and an advisor, it is very challenging to succeed in your program and advance your research. I think the spectrum of “fit” between an advisor and advisee varies from “poor fit” to “downright toxic.” Noticing red flags (see Debbie’s response below for what these may be) and communicating those issues to someone who can help you navigate them is important and urgent. Waiting for things to “get better” only leads to greater frustration. That is wasted time and mental energy that could be better spent advancing your research, pursuing your hobbies, or living your best life! It may be awful when you’re in the process of transitioning from one advisor to another, but keep in mind you are neither the first nor the last Ph.D. student to go through this.
Because (ideally) you will be working with your advisor over the span of four to six years, they will learn about you. It is only natural that they see you at your best, as well as at your worst. Don’t be alarmed when you’ve left an advisor meeting feeling vulnerable or like you have overshared. It is their job to help you succeed and complete the program. Often, the more they know you, the more likely it is they can help you do just that.
Ultimately, I think it’s important that you find an advisor that has your best interests and needs in mind. Those interests and needs may not always be centered around research. You may need professional development guidance or mentors for emotional support. Keep in mind your advisor is only one person with a limited amount of energy, time, and resources! Try seeking out multiple mentors that can speak to your various needs and interests.
Advisor: Let me start by saying that this blog series reflects just some of the issues I might be entrusted with as an advisor. I don’t always get it right, but I proceed under the assumption that, together, we can find the best way forward through professional challenges. In a future post, we hope to elaborate on the idea of building a mentoring network, rather than solely relying on your advisor for all your mentoring needs.
I absolutely recognize and appreciate how vulnerable it can feel to talk about one’s hopes and fears in a professional setting. Over the years, I’ve become more comfortable divulging the ups and downs of academia with the goal of demystifying it.
My personal belief is that honesty about both failure and success in academia is absolutely essential for surviving and thriving in it. It’s a reminder that we are not “robots,” working on autopilot or taking any of it for granted. We are human beings who feel joy and gratitude when things go well, and conversely, disappointment when they don’t. And the “wins” don’t have to be at the level of “I got yet another paper accepted at the most prestigious journal”—indeed, they are most often little wins like getting a paragraph just right or being inspired by someone or something. Simply having uninterrupted time to write, complete analyses, or finalize a lecture can (and should) be recognized as a win, especially during these times.
When sharing anecdotes about my life, I do so without leaning on students for affirmation or validation—this is the right balance for me. I share about the wonderful things my kids do, the funny ways my dogs frustrate me (especially their ongoing war with their archnemesis—the groundhog who lives under our deck), and my love of jet skiing and bike trails. This is my way of recognizing our shared, collective humanity as people who work really hard and love what we do, but who also find enjoyment outside our scholarly work. And I genuinely empathize with the challenge of maintaining healthy personal relationships (romantic or otherwise) in a career that will take all of your time if you let it.
To be crystal clear: The advisor-advisee relationship is about the advisee’s needs, not the advisor’s. It’s one thing to respond compassionately and empathetically when your advisee tells you about a difficult situation or circumstance that is interfering with their progress. In fact, we know many graduate students are struggling to balance it all and tend to their mental health. It’s quite another thing for you to be spending their meeting time leaning on them for emotional support.
Which leads me to a different and final point: Sometimes people find themselves in a toxic advisor-advisee situation. How do you know if this is the case? This article points to bullying and harassment by the advisor. Other behaviors that are problematic include continually missing meetings (especially without notice), unrealistic expectations coupled with no guidance, exploitative work practices, dismissing your concerns, and pitting you against your peers in the lab. If you think these are happening to you, please seek out your ombudsperson or another trusted ally or advocate to figure out next steps.
