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Key points
- A loved one’s addiction can lead to feelings of shame.
- Shame damages our quality of life and limits our ability to help our loved ones.
- We can take concrete steps to heal our shame.
Addiction is an illness. The American Medical Association recognized alcoholism as a disease in 1956 and affirmed the brain disease model of addiction in 1987. Yet, unlike most other illnesses, addiction still carries a stigma—one that can create a deep sense of shame in those of us who love someone with an addiction disorder.
After all, addiction is a disease that impairs thinking, decision-making, and self-control. This can lead to outrageous behaviors, involvement with the criminal justice system, or entanglement with child welfare agencies. The public nature of our loved one’s transgressions can cause us more than worry and embarrassment—it can lead to feelings of shame.
Those feelings deepen if we sense that other people blame us for our loved one’s addiction, especially if that loved one is our child. Even if they don’t say it, some people convey the message that if we were better parents, our loved ones wouldn’t be addicted.
Unfortunately, many of us with an addicted child secretly agree. We blame ourselves. We think of all the mistakes we made as parents—and we all made mistakes—and we tell ourselves that if only we’d done a better job, this addiction would never have happened.
And to rub salt in the wound, there are those constant comparisons we all tend to make, when our inner voice says things like, “Their kid’s going to college and my kid’s going to jail.” Or, “They’re checking out wedding venues, and I’m looking for another rehab.”
All these things contribute to a sense of shame that can become a constant undercurrent in our daily life. But shame, even when hidden, diminishes our quality of life and undermines our ability to be of genuine help to our loved one.
What’s more, when our own shame collides with our loved one’s shame (most addicted people carry a deep well of hidden shame), we create an unhealthy dynamic that harms us both. Harmful effects of shame include:
Depression and anxiety. Shame is an assault on our very being. It tells us that we’re bad people and are therefore unworthy of happiness or peace of mind. Because we don’t like ourselves very much, we fail to give ourselves the kind of care and kindness we need.
Anger. We all have a need to be accepted by others. But shame makes us feel unacceptable. As a result, we may sense rejection where none was intended. We might interpret the mildest criticism as a personal assault. And when something real or imaginary triggers our hidden shame, we sometimes lash out in anger. This damages relationships and can lead to irrational behaviors we later regret and that increase our shame.
Loneliness. Love and connection are fundamental human needs. But shame-based people don’t love themselves, so they’re unable to accept love from others. When we believe we’re not lovable, we tend to shut ourselves off from the human connection we crave. We sabotage our relationships and conceal the vulnerability that makes true connection possible.
Weak boundaries. Since chronic shame is really a rejection of ourselves, we don’t have an inner core to give us strength and stability. Our boundaries are squishy or don’t exist at all. This is especially problematic when we’re dealing with someone who’s addicted. It makes us open to manipulation and deprives us of the clarity that might be of real value to our loved one.
Now, all of these aspects of shame—depression and anxiety, anger, loneliness, and weak boundaries—are terrible for us and for our addicted loved ones. They make an already difficult situation even worse. Fortunately, there are steps we can take to start healing our shame.
Tips for healing shame
1. Accept that addiction is an illness. You didn’t cause it. Your loved one didn’t choose it. No matter what mistakes we may have made, we don’t have the power to make someone get addicted.
2. Challenge your thoughts. Most of us go through life believing that the thoughts in our heads are reality. But the truth is, we tell ourselves stories all the time—stories about what happened, what others are thinking about us, what we can and can’t do. Too often, those stories contribute to our sense of shame. We can interrupt the flow of negative self-stories by learning to ask ourselves: Is this really true?
3. Ditch your negative self-talk. Shame is fueled by a steady stream of harsh, unkind, and unforgiving thoughts about ourselves. Often, they’re so constant we barely notice them. But the damage is real. While we cannot simply wish negative self-talk away, we can diminish its power by becoming aware of it. Then we can try to replace those negative words with words we would say to a dear friend—words of affirmation, encouragement, compassion, and kindness.
4. Practice self-compassion. When we feel compassion for others, we recognize their suffering. We avoid making harsh judgments and offer kindness and understanding, instead. But when it comes to ourselves, many of us find it hard to practice compassion. We ignore our pain and judge ourselves without mercy. This only deepens our shame.
Perhaps the single most important thing we can do to heal our shame is to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion means that we acknowledge our suffering. We treat ourselves with kindness, not criticism. And we remind ourselves again and again that we, no less than anyone, are deserving of love, acceptance, fulfillment, and happiness.
Healing from shame can be a long process, but it’s well worth the effort. It can help us tackle life’s problems, strengthen our relationships, and appreciate the gifts to be found in every day. In fact, healing from shame is one of the best things we can do for ourselves and for our addicted loved ones.
