Are You Spending Too Much Time on Dating Apps?

More than two years into the COVID-19 pandemic, we are caught with the juxtaposition of society slowly returning back to “normal” while bracing for another global crisis. What has been slightly less mentioned, yet is equally pressing, is the epidemic of loneliness that runs alongside the global backdrop of COVID-19.

In navigating the loneliness epidemic, many people have turned to dating apps for connection. Dating apps have long been popular; even before the pandemic, Tinder reported generating as many as 160 billion swipes a day across 190 countries. For many, online dating presents an unprecedented opportunity to open up the dating pool—yet for others, online dating becomes the invisible “waiting room” that traps them in the act of swiping without ever stepping foot into the house of love.

Have you grown concerned about how much time you spend on dating apps—perhaps finding yourself swiping while waiting in line at the grocery store or between meetings at work, or unable to go a day without checking if you've got new matches? You're not alone. These tips could help you decrease problematic dating app usage and take charge of your quest to find love.

1. Turn to real connection when dating apps leave you feeling more lonely and depleted

Dating apps target the dopamine feedback loop. The constant swiping motion is paired with the instantaneous reward of matching with someone, triggering the release of the “feel-good” neurotransmitter dopamine (Beck, 2021). The sudden surge of dopamine is then followed by a drop, potentially causing users to feel more lonely and leaving their brains craving more (Koob, 2009),

This reaction is comparable to consuming energy drinks to pull an all-nighter; while the caffeine may initially give you a kick of energy, the eventual crash is inevitable. We can quickly become trapped in the never-ending dopamine loop, swiping mindlessly for hours just to get another "hit." Instead of helping you find love, dating apps thus become comparable to Tamagotchis with separation anxiety; they can only be pacified by the constant swiping motion of your index finger.

Source: Flora Westbrook/Pexels

How can you break free from the dating app Tamagotchi? Try turning to friends and family and resist the urge to turn to dating apps for emotional support. Real connections supply emotional intimacy rather than a quick fix of dopamine.

Rewards from dating apps are in some ways comparable to gratification from junk foods; they can taste dangerously delicious but often lack essential nutrients. The same is true with relationships: Real intimacy will never feel as good as instant gratification from a potential match on dating apps. While it may be messy, uncomfortable, and vulnerable, it helps us feel anchored when the ground is shaky, and it provides us with safety when there is chaos in the world.

2. De-condition from the swiping motion by slowing down and sitting limits.

Apps and other digital tools often aim to increase behavior frequency by reducing friction and decision-making time. Think about how Netflix automatically plays the next episode of the show you're watching, leading you to finish the entire season of "The Queen's Gambit" before you know it. Similarly, you can easily swipe for hours through an endless stream of profiles, reinforced by the periodic reward of matching.

Yet when we swipe through too many profiles over a long period, we are less likely to pay attention to individual people, miss opportunities to build connections, and end up reinforcing the dopamine loop. Another factor to consider is “choice paralysis”; when presented with too many options, we tend to be less likely to commit to making a decision (Rosenfeld, 2017).

Setting intentional limits is one way of adding friction to this otherwise mindless behavior. Set an alarm and give yourself just 30 minutes a day, or only swipe through a set number of profiles. Alternatively, set a goal of meeting a potential date in person with every set number of matches; it will humanize dating app use by fostering real connections instead of mindless swipes.

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3. Date with intention and goals.

If we go into online dating without our values and goals in mind, we're liable to get lost on the dating safari. Keeping them front and center in your mind, and reassessing them periodically, will help you reconnect with your needs and ensure you prioritize the types of relationships you're looking for.

For example, if you value stability and closeness, it’s important to vocalize these needs early on to the potential partner you are seeing. There are a few reasons why advocating for your needs early on is important: If your partner has contrasting priorities (e.g., they value adventure and freedom), it’s helpful to know they may not be able to meet your needs early on since these fundamental differences are unlikely to disappear and may become a recurring theme in your relationships until addressed.

Additionally, if you are worried that your needs will drive your partner away, think about ways to reframe them. If you value closeness and consistency in a relationship, express to your partner, “I appreciate having consistency and would like to get to know you better”—instead of shutting off to make your partner anxious. (To learn more about how to advocate for your relationship needs based on your attachment style, see Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.)

Dating is not a one-size-fits-all situation. However, the truth is that intimacy requires vulnerability; there's simply no way around that.

Personally, I like to think that dating apps are created with good intentions: a large dating pool at the command of our fingertips. Yet when used as a tool for artificial validation and instant gratification, we risk feeling dehumanized and more alone on the quest for love. On the other hand, when used intentionally and mindfully, dating apps can help us reflect on our values, learn to advocate for our needs respectfully and unapologetically, and build genuine connections.