A Critical Test Of Teen Friendship

My 15-year-old son and his best friend now attend different high schools in different cities, staying in touch primarily via text and FaceTime. The friend now vapes, uses cannabis, and hangs out with kids who bully and belittle him. Recently, this kid told my son that he is depressed, even at times suicidal, and is in therapy but does not find it useful. My son has tried to encourage the boy to drop the substance use and the friend group, but the boy refuses, so my son now wants to drop the friendship. I’ve urged him to stay connected, because the boy needs his stabilizing influence, and lifelong friendships become invaluable. Is that too much to expect of a 15-year-old? Should I try to coach my son on how to engage with his friend as only a peer can? Or should I contact the parents and share my son’s grave concerns, possibly jeopardizing the boy’s confiding in my son and my son’s confiding in me?

I suspect you know the answer to the question—do all of the above, in well-informed ways. Even the hint of suicide—and talk of it is a flashing sign—demands moving on all fronts, as does downwardly spiraling behavior. It’s hard for 15-year-olds to see beyond their immediate difficulties, especially one as soul-crushing as bullying, which, even as it makes victims feel intrinsically unworthy, is sometimes their only social relationship with peers.

Because being bullied is also deeply humiliating and shame-inducing, kids rarely reveal it to parents or any other adults, perhaps not even to a therapist. Victims fear disappointing their parents and also that their parents will blame them—because they already blame themselves. Yet parents need to know; the situation has to be quickly addressed. The substance use may be a desperate attempt to feel some relief from a problem that likely feels intractable.

Your son is privileged as a confidante. Valuable as that is informationally, it’s even more so socially and emotionally. Mattering to even one friend—having an ally—can be a shield from all sorts of life insults, but especially from the ravages of peer rejection by bullying. It’s best not to suggest he’s on a moral mission, but coaching your son (and modeling what to do) is a wise approach as long as you aim to ratchet up the ratio of compassion to frustration—perhaps by reminding him of all the good stuff he and his friend have shared over the years.

If your son can muster more than just being available to the boy when he calls, he could play an important role in refurbishing the boy’s self-confidence, the real first-line defense against victimization. He could recall with his friend past experiences of success and closeness, evoking memories of them by describing them in as much detail as possible. He might be unwilling at this time to invite the boy for a visit for a weekend, but you may want to plant the idea and subtly encourage it.

You do need to let your son know that, given the real danger to his friend, you have a moral obligation to talk to the parents and that you will do so as gently as possible. Do be prepared for a mixed reception by them. You can shoulder full responsibility for the call by saying that the situation is something you’ve inferred from various conversations with your son.

A call to the parents may be difficult, but you may find it easier for yourself and for them if you plan to leave them with some concrete suggestions for action. They should certainly be encouraged to avail themselves of the right professional expertise for the boy, but it is vitally important that they not outsource help entirely; the boy—any child—needs to know that he can confide in his parents and rely on their support in solving life’s problems.

There are in fact many ways for them, as nonexperts, to help their child. They can share some of their own struggles while growing up and let their son know that life is messy and dispiriting for everyone at times. They can be urged to resist any impulse to intervene with the bullies or their parents and instead develop and even rehearse a range of strategies with their son to manage problematic peer situations. When parents fight children’s battles for them—instead of fortifying their children—the kids not only come to believe they are inept but blame themselves for everything that doesn’t go as they wish.

You might advise the parents that they should not draw a conclusion that their son is to blame in any way but that bullying is to some degree context-dependent. Bullying and belittling do not flourish everywhere; a change of schools can sometimes be curative. And given teen sensitivities, they may want to seek guidance for themselves on how best to proceed with their son.