How to Battle Insecurity

I am 37 and struggle with insecurity every day. I constantly put myself on trial about whether I am good enough for my partner. I worry when my partner appears to be looking at another woman or connects with a woman at a dinner party. Recently, at lunch with a friend, two superskinny, beautiful models came to sit nearby. It made me think, How can I compete with this? Who would want me as a partner? This type of thinking not only broke up my last three long-term relationships but has also held me back in my career. At work, I beat myself up if I make a mistake. I’ve wanted to start my own business for years, but fear failing. How do I let this “disease” go, once and for all?

It’s important for you to know that everyone has self-doubts, times of feeling unworthy of anyone’s love or admiration. Sitting next to beautiful models is almost guaranteed to make any woman feel unattractive. And every entrepreneur has had a fear of failing—but plunged ahead anyway. The difference is that people’s doubts are often less constant, unceremoniously shoved aside by the press of daily business or actively assailed by mental maneuvers to restore a more positive self-view. Such people have a grab bag of techniques for dismissing or talking back to that negative voice within, the one that insists I never get anything right or I’m not good enough for him. Yours seems to be working overtime totally unopposed.

Every human being navigates the universe of others by engaging in social comparison. We are always measuring ourselves against others. When self-appraisals are based in reality and not in fear, such comparison can ignite the motivational fuel for self-improvement.

Once, the world of others was fairly restricted to the people we knew personally or encountered in our daily rounds; we often knew enough about them to recognize that, whatever their strengths, they also had their flaws. Today, through an array of technological developments, including social media, nearly every waking moment we can hear about and see people with all kinds of accomplishments. Of course, most of those exposures are carefully curated images or narratives. Nevertheless, the technological advances that have enlarged our outer world are assaulting our inner one —enough to make large numbers of people feel defective—and contributing to soaring rates of depression.

Having plenty of company, however, does not ease the distress of a self-appraisal mechanism that has you always coming up wanting. It’s time to find ways to correct your overly negative vision. A good place to start is to mitigate the self-scrutiny you put yourself through. Train your lens on others: Volunteer for a cause you believe in. Another way to balance your self-view is to cultivate friendships with people who see your strengths. Your three long-term relationships attest to qualities that attract others (although your repeatedly questioning a partner who looks at another woman suggests that no amount of reassurance will suffice and erodes his pleasure in his choice of mate).

Perhaps most important, it’s time for you to engage in mano-a-mano combat with your inner critic—direct rebuttal of all the self-defeating self-talk that incapacitates you. Start by making an inventory of your strengths. Keep it handy—put it on a piece of paper to keep in your pocket or carry a note on your cellphone—and refer to it often. Use it to counter your inner monologue.

Research suggests that one very simple maneuver can mitigate the emotional impact of negative self-talk—using your name instead of I. Talking back to yourself —reminding yourself of your strengths, countering the voice that says I can’t—in the third person creates psychological distance and minimizes the runaway rumination and shame you are prone to. It provides the mental escape hatch you so urgently need.