Advice: Is My Husband Cheating?

Is My Husband Cheating?

Is it safe to assume my husband is cheating if he's not asking me for sex? Our relationship has been strained for years, both in and out of the bedroom, and these problems have impacted our ability to be intimate with one another. In addition, I experienced childhood sexual trauma and have never successfully completed a course of therapy (not for lack of trying). I do not enjoy sex. I am suspicious that he may be having an affair because he is vague about where he goes; he also works late, and he takes and makes calls on his cell phone in private. I've asked him outright, but of course I do not expect him to tell me the truth. What do you think?

It is never safe to assume anything in any relationship. You're supposed to tune into each other's world through regular conversations so that there's no need for concocting dangerous scenarios in your head. Once you start doing that, you behave as if they were faits accomplis, and that only makes matters worse. You have a long history of avoiding intimacy and the honest discussions that confer closeness, so don't expect to feel comfortable while changing the pattern, which you must do if you intend to save your sanity and your marriage. The way to test assumptions is not to hurl them as accusations at your partner but to find—or make—a quiet time to sit down with him and talk calmly and kindly about what is in your heart and on your mind. To elicit more than denial, you need to see the situation from his perspective and speak with empathy for it. It would be wise to tell him that you realize it must be difficult for him to have a partner all these years who doesn't enjoy sex and who has continually rebuffed him, but that you would like to try one last time for closeness if it isn't too late. You should also propose couples therapy that definitively moves you beyond your history of abuse, as well as all the other issues between you, if he would give up whatever outside romantic interests he has cultivated. This way, you're not creating an opportunity for denial but taking steps to solve the problem. Only in good couples therapy can he learn to provide the sense of safety you need for letting go of long-ago hurt. If he is no longer interested, express your sadness and disappointment—rather than anger—at the years of opportunity missed, and together discuss the best ways to move ahead with your lives.

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