Relationship Troubles

Q and A with Hara Marano. Marano responds to questions sent by
readers.

Cupboard Comfort

In 1993 I lost my 23-year-old son in an automobile accident. Ever
since then, I comfort eat, only to never find the comfort I seek. I was
diagnosed with fibromyalgia, osteoporosis and clinical depression (the
medication causes weight gain; go figure), so no longer am able to work.
I tried going back to school, but was not able to tolerate that at all.
Food is my only true companion (it never goes to work, as my husband
does), and is always there for me. I do have some pleasures in my life. I
was blessed with three daughters, two granddaughters and a grandson. I
also am an alternative healing practitioner, a case of "Healer, Heal
Thyself." I don't like being alone with me, so how can I expect others to
want to be with me either.

The one reference you make to your husband suggests his
everyday absences feel like abandonment-in other words, another loss.
This may be the biggest source of continuing pain: just when you need
to lean on each other, your husband isn't there emotionally for you.
But in a sense, neither are you there for him. Your illnesses mean you
are not the partner that he once counted on. He may feel you are too
emotionally fragile, already suffering enough, for him to unburden
himself to you. So you both have a compound loss. You must find a way
to get back the closeness to your spouse. It won't bring your son back,
but it will bring real comfort back into your life. And you need that.
Can you find a quiet time to start a conversation with your husband? In
your own words and your own way, you need to say something like "I know
it's a long time since our son died. I still feel the pain of loss
every day. It must be hard on you, too. But I feel that my loss was
doubled because I lost you too, just when I needed you. And you must
feel that you lost me too. I miss you, and I need you. I don't want to
live the rest of my life feeling isolated from you. I know I haven't
been fun to be around. Can we find ways to spend time together that we
both enjoy? What can we do together that will put some pleasure back in
our life?" Choose something new to both of you. You need to go forward
together, not backwards.

To Enjoy, Not Destroy

I have been emotionally attached to a man since I was a little
girl. We've bounced back an d forth through the years not really pursuing
a real relationship because of circumstances in our lives. We live in
different cities, have both been married to others and are now divorced
for a few years. When we talk it's obvious that a strong emotional tie is
still there, but our lives have gone in two different directions. How do
you completely destroy this type of emotional attachment that just
lingers in your mind and your life? Deborah

Don't destroy it-enjoy it. Why banish someone who has known
you a long time? Part of the richness in life is in having many
relationships of many emotional hues. What law says that having
positive feelings for a man requires sexual intimacy? There may always
be a special frisson of excitement when you think of, talk to or see
your friend. Consider yourself fortunate. An old relationship may look
particularly appealing now that you have been single for a while.
Finding a new partner requires effort and emotional risk, while an old
friendship may seem cozy and comfortable. Put your emotional energy
into finding a new partner.