Five Approaches for Conquering a Partner's Selfishness

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Selfishness can be subtly manifested in many ways. For example, your partner may be overly controlling, expecting you, at least sometimes, to carry out the other's wishes.

Your partner may be overly angry at times, displacing anger onto you so that you are scratching your head and wondering, "Now what? I really have done nothing to deserve wrath." Your partner may be giving off occasional signals that you are a bit inferior in the relationship, and the subtle message is that this is how it is supposed to be.

Although these examples sound a lot like narcissism, there are important differences between selfishness and narcissism. The simple version is this: Selfishness is much more toned-down than narcissism. According to Psychology Today author Robert Taibbi, those who are not narcissistic but instead have a tendency toward selfishness do have qualities of empathy and a sense of right and wrong.

In other words, they are teachable and can change. Those with a narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), in contrast, tend to be self-absorbed, with little empathy, and a strong and consistent tendency to control others with their own needs met. Narcissism is consistent self-absorption, whereas selfishness tends to be occasional behavior in which one's own needs dominate the person at the expense of both relationships and others' feelings.

We need to make one further distinction: selfishness and self-care. We need to care for ourselves so we cannot constantly serve others. Suppose a partner wants to chat about something that is not serious, and you are tired. In that case, stating your fatigue and gently closing down the conversation is not selfishness if this is not a recurring pattern but occurs in the context of needing rest.

With these distinctions now made, let us examine five approaches to dealing with a partner's selfish behaviors.

1. Be Aware of the Subtleties of Selfishness and Careful Not to Exaggerate

Try to discern the frequency and the contexts in which the selfishness emerges. Is it more likely to be shown when the person is frustrated or tired? Is it more likely when you show certain behaviors, such as your frustration or unhappiness? As pointed out, expect selfishness from a partner to occur sometimes, but not consistently.

Be careful not to generalize selfishness by stereotyping the partner with the claim of an NPD. In other words, if the partner shows concern for you at least some of the time, then it would be counterproductive to think that the person never cooperates and never shows empathy or compassion toward you. This gives both of you the hope that selfishness can change more quickly than might be the case if the person were suffering from narcissism.

2. Origin of Selfishness: Family of Origin or Cultural Expectations?

Even if you see certain contexts in your relationship when selfishness occurs, the actual origin of this behavior could go as far back as the family of origin. Did a mother or father show similar patterns to what your partner is now showing? Such insight is important for both the partner and you so that you can understand why the pattern occurs now.

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This insight can lead to the partner taking stock of the behavior and trying not to reproduce what happened years ago when growing up. Such insight can be a strong motivator to stop this intergenerational transmission of selfishness patterns.

3. Help the Partner Practice Generosity

The dictionary definition of generosity is a willingness to give. There is a liberality in giving beyond what might be fairly expected by others. The person showing generosity:

• understands this giving as a moral good;
• is motivated to do so in a consistent manner;
• and shows this magnanimity in terms of behaviorally giving one's time, talent, and treasure to others.

As a start toward developing this moral virtue in the partner, you could do the following:

• Discuss the importance of generosity as a part of life;
• you can model generosity by giving some funds to charity and suggest that the partner team up with you on this;
• continue to consciously and deliberately practice generosity and be sure that the partner is aware of your commitment to being generous;
• eventually, and this will take time, gently point out the need for the partner to practice generosity toward you when the selfish behaviors begin to re-emerge.

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4. Forgive Past Selfishness

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Add the practice of forgiveness to your routine and include generosity in your activities. In other words, begin the practice of forgiving your partner for the times in which selfishness was both present and hurtful to you. As you forgive, try to see the built-in worth of your partner as a person, not because of the selfish behaviors, but despite them.

Try to have generosity and compassion toward your partner for the pain caused to you and even for the inner pain the partner may be carrying that contributes to selfish behavior. Further, try to be so generous in your forgiving that you do not throw the pain perpetrated onto you now back to the partner.

Finally, try to give the generosity of forgiveness to your partner in the form of kindness, respect, generosity, and love (when you can, given that you may be frustrated or angry at the moment because of selfishness.). This forgiveness will help you approach your partner with a civil conversation about selfishness and the new goal of practicing generosity together.

5. Persevere Practicing Generosity and Forgiveness

Finally, do not see these exercises as a one-off activity but instead as a way of life in which you move forward as a team. As Aristotle reminds us in his Nicomachean Ethics, we grow in our appreciation and appropriation of any moral virtue by continually practicing it.

Try to practice generosity toward others outside of the relationship so that the partner sees, learns, and models your actions. Persevere in encouraging the partner to reduce selfish activities and to add generosity as a way of life.

Then, enjoy the fruit of your labor as the partner begins to show less selfishness and more cultivated generosity.