How to React When People Say They Also Get Migraines

Two women in serious conversation.

Source: Mimi Thian/Unsplash

Last week I was meeting an old friend for lunch, and upon first seeing me, she said, “You don’t look like you feel very well.” I told her I had been in a migraine attack for four days, and, while functional that day, I was still very much “in it.” She quickly replied, “Oh, I get those, too, sometimes.” My inner voice immediately said:

• “Oh, I bet you do.”
• “Are you kidding? You have no idea.”

Why Were These My Initial Thoughts?

Most likely they are the result of 44 years of experience after experience of hearing that, followed by a clear indication that the person is part of the larger segment of society who still identifies “bad headache” and “migraine” interchangeably.

I have to admit that I’ve become cynical, doubtful, and resentful when someone responds to my saying I have migraine with a quip like that above, or how about:

• “My aunt used to get those, but she’d just have to go lie down for a few hours and then be OK.”
• “Do you want a Tylenol; I think I have some in my purse for when I get those.”
• “Well, try to take it easy for today.”

Lately, though, I’ve been thinking about my reactions and have decided to approach these interactions differently. My negative thoughts and immediate letdown at the thought that yet one more person doesn’t “get it” don’t serve me or the person with whom I’m interacting. Rather than first being skeptical or angry, why not try a more positive, more helpful response?

From now on, depending on the person and situation, I’m going to try ask him/her to:

• Share their migraine story—history, diagnosis.
• Explain what kind of treatment has been tried.
• Let me share my migraine experience

The American Migraine Foundation reminds us that often when people say migraine is just a headache, they don’t understand what migraine is. For "Move Against Migraine" Facebook moderator Teri [Roberts], her go-to response is to educate on the reality of migraine. She responds: “Migraine is actually a genetic neurological disease that needs to be taken as seriously as we treat other diseases such as diabetes” (American Migraine Foundation).

Obviously, you may not want to take the extra energy and time (particularly if you are in the middle of a migraine or the situation does not allow for it) to go into explanation, but you might just refer the person to one of the major migraine organizations, which provide a multitude of resources and education on migraine disease. There’s also a great succinct, clear video provided from the American Migraine Foundation: “What is Migraine? And Other Frequently Asked Questions,” which you can refer the person to.

If this person is just an acquaintance, you are probably not going to go into a lot of detail but do remember that the resentment you might feel builds, with yet another dismissal of your illness. If your encounter does not really afford the opportunity to elaborate on either person's experience with "migraine," perhaps reply with something like, “I’m so sorry you, too, have to live with such a debilitating disease; isn’t a shame more people don’t understand what it’s really like,” or “Really, what kind of migraine do you have?” Such responses might lead to curiosity for others to learn more.

This is what I’m now going to try; it seems like a "win-win." I temper my cynicism and doubt and also may have a chance to educate someone about the reality of migraine.

What’s your approach?