5 Ways to Set Healthy Limits

Tina* recently adopted a rescue dog. “She’s so, so cute,” she told me. “I love holding her. She cuddles up to me and licks my face and settles into my arms. It’s comforting and sweet.” But Tina has difficulties when her new pet cries at being put into its crate at night. She immediately brings her into her own bed, where they both spend a restless night. Not surprisingly, she’s also having trouble with housebreaking.

“I know what I’m supposed to do,” Tina said. “And I know that she’ll be much happier in the long run, and so will I, if I can be more disciplined with her. But when she whimpers, or when she looks up at me with those sad eyes, I just can’t say no to her.”

I grew up with dogs, and I have tremendous respect for pet owners as they try to find a balance between loving and limit-setting. But for Tina, difficulty setting limits was not limited to her pet. Tina and I had been talking about how often she brought work home from the office. “I just feel like I need to get a little more done,” she said one day. “But then I start to correct something, or add something, and I’m having to revise a whole project. I feel like I need to get it just right in order to let it go.”

The problem was that Tina seldom felt that she had gotten her work “just right.” There was always something more that needed to be done.

We often think of boundary-setting as a simple matter of saying “no.” But in truth, setting limits, whether it’s with your pet or your children, your parents or your colleagues at work, is a bit more complicated than that.

In a recent post, I talked about how trying to be perfect can lead to burnout. But here’s something interesting: Research shows that both burnout and perfectionism are related to difficulties setting boundaries. In part, that’s because when you’re always trying to be perfect, you’re likely not setting healthy boundaries.

So what does it mean to set healthy boundaries?

1. Don’t say “yes” to everything. When Tina realized that she didn’t need to say “yes” every time her pup wanted to play, she discovered that her new buddy was perfectly able to entertain herself, either in her crate or on the floor beside Tina. The same thing turned out to be true at work. Although saying “yes” to everything at work might have made her look like an enthusiastic employee, she didn’t look so good when she couldn’t finish all of the projects on time. And she hated that none of the work was up to her standards, even though she had spent her nights and weekends trying to get everything done. To start changing how you set limits, try saying “no” to something that you don’t want to do. Say it quietly, firmly, and without drama, and try to explain your reason. But even if the other person (or pet) doesn’t understand, try to hold firm to this particular limit.
2. Don’t say “no” to everything, either. If Tina had stopped playing with her puppy altogether, she would have had a very unhappy pet – not to mention that she would have defeated the purpose of adopting the animal. Similarly, saying “no” to every new project at work would have been self-defeating. This time, try to say “yes” to something you might want to try, but would normally have said “no” to, but that you think might be fun or offer some relaxation. If your pet wants to play or your children want to watch television, it’s fine to say “no,” but maybe once in a while give everyone a break and say “yes” instead.
3. Look for ways to set boundaries that are firm, but flexible. What does this mean? My PT colleague Sharon Martin, who wrote The Better Boundaries Workbook, put it beautifully. She writes that you can be “assertive and clearly state what you need” and also “loosen up when it’s safe to do so.”
4. Put your needs and desires into words as clearly as you can. Tina realized that she often gave her puppy mixed messages. Once she clarified with herself and her puppy when she was free to play and when she couldn’t be available, they were both much happier. The same, she found, was true at work. She told her supervisor that she was eager to take on new projects, but that she wanted to make sure she gave them all the attention they needed, so she would like to be careful going forward not to take on too much. Her supervisor said, “Thank goodness. I have been worried about you and was going to talk to you about exactly that.” Even on those times when you say “yes” to something you usually say “no” to – screen time for the kids, for instance – explain why this time is different. Your explanation doesn’t have to be complicated – you can say something as simple as “I think it would be okay this afternoon” or “I think we all need a little downtime today.”
5. Remember that boundaries can change. Sometimes “yes” can change to “no,” or “no” can change to “maybe.” That’s normal. Just try to be as clear as you can about what has shifted and why.

Boundaries are not always clear-cut or easy to figure out. But if you allow yourself to pay attention to what you need and want from any situation or relationship, you will be more likely to find a balance between firm and flexible limits.

*Names and identifying info changed to protect privacy

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