Cultivate the Habit of 'Givitude'

So, here's the deal: We're living in a world drowning in superficial gestures and transactional exchanges. We toss gifts around as if they are three-dimensional checkmarks from our relationship to-do lists. We often give, without really feeling and considering what the inner and outer acts of giving truly mean.

My college professors would agree that it’s usually not a great idea to make up new words. Oh, well, no one’s grading me so I’m doing it (and I’ve done it before, so apologies to my profs). The English language may need the word “givitude.” Why? While generosity sounds like a trait—you either have it or you don’t—giving is the action, a verb. What is the interior landscape, the genesis of giving? Thus, we need “givitude,” because giving (when it’s good) comes from an intention, mental perspective, and “attitude” that wants to be more than a nice gesture. It aims to grow something for someone.

What if I told you, amid this chaotic mess, that there's a way to make giving matter? Put down that wrapping paper (or the lazy, drive-through-giver’s “gift bags” you, like me, sometimes use), because we're about to dive into the art of givitude—and trust me, it's anything but your typical Hallmark moment.

Beyond the Fluff: No True Presents Without Presence

In his book Consolations, poet David Whyte points to giving as “… not done easily. Giving is difficult; giving well is in fact a discipline that must be practiced and observed over years to be done properly.” He goes on to suggest that this deeper, authentic giving—what I would call givitude—“means getting beyond the boundaries of our own needs … paying attention and creating imaginative attention with the one to whom we are giving.”

Translation? Givitude is gutsy and not about “you” or “them” at all. It's not about just going through the motions; it's about tapping into the untapped potential in the recipient, seeing and giving toward the prize of what matters in the relationship, and giving toward the “we” that is the resonant, meaningful intersection between you and them.

There’s No “I” in Givitude (Even Though There Is)

Look, we're all self-absorbed to some degree. But when it comes to mindful giving, we do need to put the "me" aside and focus on the "we." It's not just about the gift itself, it's about the shared experience. Givitude is an invitation to the "we" of the relationship, a commitment to being-ness. Basically, the sentiment here is, "Hey, I’m going to acknowledge that in you that matters to me."

Seeing the Unseen

You see that shiny gift wrap? It's just a distraction. Givitude is about seeing beyond the glitter. It is imaginative and creative in its penetrating, noticing deeper layers of the personality and potential of the recipient. It's a sort of seeing into, which cuts through the superficial and lands right on what matters. You're not just giving a physical thing; you're surprising the other with how you noticed something they need or are passionate about, and the giving creates a warm echo in the recipient's mind.

Peekaboo, I See You: The True Prize of Givitude

Remember peekaboo? That game babies play that makes them giggle like maniacs. Givitude is like peekaboo for adults. It makes babes of delight of us again even as adults. It's a reminder that joy doesn’t have an expiration date. Givitude lights up the “we-space” between people like the peekaboo-ing faces of babies and their (temporarily at least) care-to-the-wind adults.

The Research: Giving's Benefits Package

But hey, I get it. You're probably thinking, "Mitch, this all sounds warm, fuzzy, and worthy of some hot cocoa and a snuggle blanket, but why should I dig into this more? I already know I should be a giving person." Fair question. Research backs it up and makes it relevant in ways going beyond yet another “should” in your to-do list.

Altruism Essential Reads

How to Foster the Value of Generosity in Your Children

“Don’t Be a Sh*tty Person”

Turns out, cultivating the habit of giving isn't just about cue-the-schmaltzy-music warm fuzzies; it's a legit health booster. Studies show that it can lead to:

1. Enhanced Well-Being: Numerous studies have shown that individuals who engage in acts of giving experience increased levels of happiness and life satisfaction.
2. Stress Reduction: Giving has been linked to reduced stress and improved overall mental health.
3. Physical Health: Some research suggests that giving may have positive effects on physical health, including lower blood pressure and a strengthened immune system.
4. Strengthened Social Bonds: Giving fosters a sense of connectedness and social integration, leading to improved relationships with friends, family, and the community.
5. Increased Trust: Acts of giving can enhance trust and cooperation among individuals, thereby improving the quality of relationships.
6. Couples and Giving: Research has shown that couples who engage in acts of giving together report higher levels of relationship satisfaction and marital quality.

The Takeaway: Make Deep Impact

Studies provide enough reasons for givitude, but then again, it’s not about “you,” remember? Yes, giving is a reciprocal exchange, enriching both the giver and the receiver, and yet it becomes givitude when the habit of giving-thoughts follows with giving-actions—when these thoughts and actions become a practice leading to moments of “we” providing their own reward, the prize of resonant connection.

Case Study: The Mindful Gift That Keeps Giving

A former client of mine whom I’ll call “Jack” had a grandfather who used to tell him stories about his good-old-day adventures as a young man. For his grandfather's 80th birthday, Jack didn't just settle for some generic gift; the proverbial necktie, for example.

No; he paused, really got curious about what mattered to his grandpa, listened to the echoed nuances of his grandpa’s comments for clues about what would truly matter, and ended up putting together an original song that he performed (despite being a shy college-age student) at a not-small birthday gathering. Afterward, his grandfather insisted that Jack “autograph” the page of lyrics because he was “damn sure going” to frame them.

Putting Givitude Into Action

Let's break it down. If you're ready to go from gift-giving to givitude, here's a multi-step practice for you:

1. Step Off the Conveyor Belt. Before you rush to buy a gift, stop. Breathe. Pause the autopilot. Notice your thoughts and emotions and watch as they rise up and away from you.

2. Connect the D.O.T.S.

• D-on’t rush and don’t give to get.
• O-pen to possibilities. Brainstorm and drop any judgment or worries of getting it wrong.
• T-ake your cue from what the needs and deepest meanings are for the other person. What lights them up? Brings things alive in them?
• S-earch for a representation (physical object or gesture) of those needs and meanings. Take it in with your senses and notice (and choose without overthinking it) what resonates in you, for what you know, in that moment you give it, will resonate with them.

This “dot”-connecting happens in moments. It shows up when you give yourself the space to connect with what matters to another person. You get better at givitude the more you make it a habit, a practice.

3. Eye the Prize. When you give, don't just hand over the gift. Look the other person in the eye. Share the moment.

In the end, what people really want is presence (your authentic engagement), not presents that end up either returned or forgotten.