5 Ways to Ease Romantic Insecurity

Do you find that you are insecure in love? That is, you feel in love and completely devoted to your union but find yourself second-guessing if your partner is fully committed to you. Perhaps you read the tea leaves on her mood, worry when you are not with them, wonder what they are doing or if they are seeing other people, wonder if you are good enough for them, or feel like your perceived flaws make you less than your partner.

When insecure in love, people tend to put their partner on a romantic pedestal. At first, there is attraction, excitement, and maybe even fireworks, but time may bring self-doubt. Are you beginning to obsess over what your counterpart “really” thinks about you? Are you enumerating your self-perceived flaws? “Does he think I am too fat?” Do you find yourself wondering if your love finds you annoying?

On a deeper level, this type of anxiety often comes from people who fear the worst, which would be finding the right person, falling deeply in love, and having the whole relationship end in some spectacularly horrendous way. It is a sad irony, but romantic insecurity at this level becomes a primary threat to a lasting romantic tie. The more you second-guess and insert this anxiety into the relationship, the more likely it is that your partner will be overwhelmed.

Romantic insecurity, too, makes it impossible to feel entirely, unconditionally loved and safe. This insecurity can be so loud that it challenges your ability to be vulnerable and to reveal the deeper you. Worrying and obsessing render you powerless, so you never really feel known. This dynamic makes it hard for you to judge how healthy this relationship is for you.

There are multiple reasons for romantic insecurity, including unstable attachments from your childhood, past romantic trauma, low self-esteem, or just plain old anxiety. If you have romantic insecurity, focus on these five areas to help you begin growing out of this pattern:

1. Consider your attachment with caregivers: From birth, babies are dependent and must attach to caregivers to survive. Ideally, their needs are generally met through attunement—a back-and-forth dance between the baby and caregivers where the baby has a need, and the adult meets that need with warmth and human connection. This dance continues as a child develops. How did this period work for you? Were your needs generally met? Was there a large ratio of warmth and kindness as opposed to harsh rules and criticism? Did you feel safe being yourself with your caregivers? If your relationships were more anxious than secure, that is you couldn’t feel safe being yourself, start considering how to be your own secure base in adulthood. Learn to be your own best caregiver by thinking through what would have comforted you as a kid. For example, building a warm internal tone, decreasing self-critical or judgmental language with yourself, and reminding yourself that your worth isn’t about what others think of you. Learn to believe in yourself even when the going gets rough.

2. Consider past romantic traumas: if you’ve been in a past romantic relationship where something particularly painful occurred, physical or emotional abuse, infidelity, or cruel treatment, it’s natural to carry that wiring into your next relationship. Your current partner may be kind and reliable and yet you still live in fear that they will disappoint. If this is the case, consider if you’ve processed that past relationship sufficiently. To process, you have to go back in time and understand what you were feeling and the ways you coped that may not have been good for you. Understand how you got caught up in that union and how you want to be different going forward. Offer compassion for yourself that you had to endure that relationship. Remind yourself if that situation develops again you will know to handle it differently. This would mean not obsessing and worrying but instead being empowered to talk to your partner about your unhappiness and to see if together you can make some progress.

3. Consider your partner’s shortcomings: People with romantic insecurity often put their partners on a pedestal. Sometimes this is because they struggle with low self-esteem and so feel lucky to have someone in their life and that they, as a result, should accommodate that person. This kind of thinking is dangerous because it means you’ve put someone on a pedestal they may not deserve. After all, we all have flaws. Look objectively at your partner. Remind yourself that it is better to see this person as they are than to ignore their negative impact on you. The more you internalize your partner’s weaknesses as your own, the more anxious you will become. Instead write down what bothers you about them and be clear with yourself about the impact of those things on you.

4. Consider your deeper needs/emotions: When in romantically insecure unions, I find in my practice in Washington D.C., that people are often having the wrong conversations with their partners. Instead of focusing on whether your partner is OK with you, focus on what you are feeling and needing from them. See if you can be vulnerable with your partner by talking about the ways in which you feel insecure in the relationship, as well as the ways you are working to grow yourself. Identify within yourself and communicate to your partner what they could do to support you in this growth—“When you are out of town, if you could call and check in,” or “If you could tell me how you feel about me more.”

5. Build acceptance: Even if a perfect partner existed and they were yours, there’s no way to get around the fact that at the end of the day, everyone has to accept some things as they are. You can only control so much; you can only know so much; you can only resolve so much uncertainty. See if you can turn the rest over to the universe and offer yourself compassion so that as issues come up, you will communicate and take care of yourself in your relationship with your partner.