4 Ways to Cultivate a Relationship With Yourself

It’s remarkable how we go about our day-to-day world, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, living, eating, and breathing, yet, at the same time, we may have very little connection with our deepest selves. It can be like carrying a backpack throughout life with no connection to the contents or the value of what is inside it. Without a connection to ourselves, our load is heavy, and we feel a lack of meaning as we slog through our one life.

This lack can come to define who we are and how we appraise our worth. When the external inevitably disappoints, through divorce, breakups, job loss, defeat, failure, grief, or physical suffering, we are left adrift with nowhere to turn. There is no joy and no vitality, and this makes it hard to healthfully connect with or take care of our loved ones.

Cultivating a relationship with yourself always makes a difference. As you come to know and feel yourself, you’ll find your resiliency grows, you’re better able to bounce back from setbacks, and you have a more supportive perspective on life’s ups and downs. How does such an abstract concept as “building a relationship with yourself” look in reality? Let’s break down four simple steps to creating a deep and meaningful connection with your very self:

1. Notice yourself: The number-one best way to start a relationship with yourself is to simply notice yourself. One way we humans often deal with stress is to disassociate our physical selves from our emotions and impressions. Over time, we dull ourselves to such an extent that we can completely lose ourselves. Change this pattern by simply pausing and asking your innermost self, how are you? How are you physically? How are you emotionally? If you notice some physical tension or emotional strain, try to connect it with what’s bothering you. “Oh, you are anxious because your routine is thrown off” or “Your back hurts; let’s stretch.” This kind of check-in can take as little as four minutes. Pick a time of day that you can make noticing yourself a ritual — for example, each day when you end your workday and before you transition to your personal life or when you enter your car each morning.
2. Take good care of yourself: Consider what types of people you’re attracted to for a moment. It will make a positive difference if you can be around generally healthy people — people who seem happy, well cared for, and engaged. Now consider how you treat yourself. When we are stretched thin and overworked or overburdened, we start to give up on self-care. We treat ourselves with things that make us feel worse and further our disconnect. Instead, work to eat well, get outdoors most days, and exercise. When you want to give up on this pursuit, remind yourself of how your future self will feel if you can give it something wholesome now.
3. Create a mindful ritual: Consider a way that you can be present in your body, even for as little as five minutes, where you aren’t thinking, but you are inhabiting your body. One easy way to do this is to set a timer on your phone for five minutes. Breathe in and out. Each time your thoughts take you in different directions, gently redirect your attention to the experience of your chest rising and falling as you breathe in and out. Another alternative is, for five minutes, put your hand on your heart. Feel the beat…beat…beat…of your heart. As you find yourself thinking, come back to the experience of the beat.
4. Be grateful for yourself: Most days, make a point to list in a journal or even simply in your mind a few things that you feel gratitude for. These items are not what you’re grateful for in terms of others or luck or the larger universe, but those that are because of your own self, your own intention, and your own efforts. This isn’t about outcomes — successes or accomplishments — but about process — what you believe, who you want to be, and what you are doing right now in this moment. This can be as simple as deliberate appreciation for your physical body and the function it provides you or your small accomplishments or maybe even your intention to try to grow a relationship with yourself. See if you can authentically give yourself validation for who you know yourself to be deep within your core. For more on developing a healthy sense of yourself, check out my book, Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps.