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Self-Esteem
Self-Care on the Spot
Do you abandon yourself just when you're in the most need?
Posted June 4, 2021 Reviewed by Davia Sills
Key points
- Social anxiety makes people want to please others and not create waves.
- The more agreeable you are to others, the more you may also abandon your own identity and needs.
- Learning to stay connected with yourself during social interactions increases self-esteem and decreases social anxiety.
You know the drill—you have your preferences and desires, but once you enter a social situation, you’re at a loss. You get caught up in the need to please and to make others happy with you. Suddenly you find yourself agreeing about opinions, restaurants, outings, and people in ways that don’t really represent your true self. You may even find yourself agreeing to things that are harmful or toxic to you.
And if someone slights you or says something offensive, your need to not make waves leaves you entirely speechless, like no words come to you to represent your point of view. Once you’re away from the situation, you realize how upset you are and dwell on what you wish you would have said… but alas, the moment has passed. Here is a quick and easy way to stay connected with yourself while in social situations and keep your self-esteem in the process:
1. Set your intention.
Each day, take just two to three minutes to set an intention to stay connected with yourself. Remind yourself that pleasing others is not your primary agenda and can leave you feeling empty and hurt. Healthy self-care means recognizing your preferences in the moment and finding a way to communicate those to others.
2. Pause before reacting.
It’s easy to just impulsively give others what they are looking for: a nod of agreement, a “yes” to an errand, laughing at jokes even when you don’t think they are really funny, a warm hug when you’re feeling anything but warm. Your people-pleasing tendencies may have you reacting before people expect a reaction. Show yourself and others that there’s room for you by not immediately responding. You can still look interested and curious even if you don’t give people what they want immediately.
3. Check in with yourself.
Imagine a little string that connects your brain to your heart. Your brain represents the thinking and reacting part of you, and your heart represents what you feel on a deeper level. Internally note what you’re feeling—in your body—while interacting with others.
4. Communicate.
Come up with a few quick statements that you can make when you notice that your body isn’t accepting or desirous of whatever is going on in that interaction. Here are a few one-liners to use when you're asked to do something that you’re not sure you want to do: “I need to think about that,” or “Hmmm, I am not sure.” When hurt, try saying, “Ouch,” or “What do you mean by that?”
When you agree to something and then realize you’re not on board, try: “I am rethinking my decision,” or “I answered too quickly: I actually don’t want to do….” When you’re still thinking over how you feel, just ask a question: “What do you have in mind?” or “What was your plan?” or “How did you come to feel that way?” are good options.
5. Stay on your own team!
It’s easy when we’re in a people-pleasing state of mind to just want others to like us to our own detriment. Then, after the event is over, you feel empty and maybe even hurt or taken advantage of. It’s up to you not to let this happen, and the only way is by staying on your own team and taking care of yourself. For more strategies for self-care, check out my book: Building Self-Esteem.
