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Key points
- Humans have a strong tendency to think that their take on the world is objectively correct.
- We often tend to have a hard time understanding how someone doesn't feel the same as we do.
- Understanding these features of empathy is pivotal to cultivating loving relationships.
For my money, one of the most fascinating parts of the human experience pertains to how much variability exists regarding how we perceive the world. You might find yourself out for coffee with a friend, ordering the same exact high-end Frappuccino. You might absolutely love yours while your friend genuinely gags and sends hers back. You might walk out of a movie theatre with your spouse and start gushing about how great the film was right as she utters the phrase, “I can’t stand movies like that!” And so forth. We see the world differently from one another, and we are often surprised by this fact.
The ways that we differentially perceive what appear to be the same stimuli speaks to one of the most fascinating and important features of the broader human experience. The importance of the fact that we each have our own unique perspective on the world simply cannot be overstated.
In their renowned treatise on the nature of human social psychology, The Person and the Situation, Ross and Nisbett (1991) paint a portrait of humans as both egocentric—or stuck thinking that everyone sees the world as they do—and unempathic—often finding it difficult to truly appreciate the thoughts, attitudes, and feelings of others.
So often, we expect others to see the world as we see it. And we often are shocked when others’ reported perceptions of the world don’t match our own perceptions.
The Importance of Empathy in Relationships
Intimate relationships can be thought of as psychological unions—including not only the connections of two hearts, bodies, and souls—but also the connection of two minds. And when two individuals within a relationship (a) see things very differently from one another and (b) fail to demonstrate true empathy by at least validating and appreciating the others’ perspectives and feelings, both individuals suffer—as does the relationship itself. As I’ve written elsewhere, validating the feelings of one’s partner, which is a classic exemplar of true empathy, is a critical element of a genuinely loving and strong relationship.
Three Relationship Moments That Call for Empathy
It’s OK to disagree within relationships. In fact, it would be quite odd for some level of disagreement to not exist within a relationship. The trick is not only to accept this fact but also to truly realize (a) that one’s partner may genuinely see or feel very differently about something relative to one’s own perceptions and feelings and (b) listening, validating, and trying to understand one’s partner’s perceptions and feelings is truly profound in its importance in cultivating a healthy, joyful, and loving relationship. With this in mind, below are three moments that might take place in a typical relationship. For each moment, both nonempathic and empathic example responses are summarized.
Scenario 1: Your partner says that she needs to take a break from a home renovation project that you are working on collaboratively as she says that she needs to eat something immediately because she is starving. You both had a huge lunch less than an hour ago, and you are not hungry at all. You truly don’t get it.
Nonempathic Response: You explain to her that you just spent more than $50 on a feast for them and that you’re not hungry at all. It makes no sense that she’s hungry and that she needs to stop working. You literally find yourself saying aloud: You cannot possibly be hungry! and Are you serious?!
Empathic Response: You know that you don’t feel hungry, but you are not in her body, and you have no idea how she’s feeling. You wonder for a second why she would make up that she is hungry and then quickly realize that the best explanation probably is that she genuinely is hungry, in spite of having eaten an hour ago—for whatever reason. You put down your paintbrush and join her toward the kitchen.
Scenario 2: You are out to dinner with your partner and another couple. You’ve never quite gotten along with the other couple fully, but you joined to be a good sport. At the end of the meal, you tip 15 percent and sign the bill. The other couple looks over the bill carefully, and comments on how delicious the meal was as well as how wonderful the service was—not to mention the fountains and ocean views. They conspicuously tip 25 percent, look at your bill, and clearly roll their eyes, looking at each other as if you are such a cheapskate. On the drive home, you tell your partner how you perceived that situation and how it made you feel, generally implying that you are not interested in hanging out with them again any time soon.
Nonempathic Response: Your partner literally waves her hand and dismisses your concerns, accusing you of making the whole thing up. Apparently, she didn’t see that check-paying drama in the same way that you saw it at all. And she doesn’t really seem to care that you felt slighted. She tells you that you’re being overly sensitive.
Empathic Response: Your partner shows concern and a splash of confusion. She didn’t seem to catch all the nuances that you described whatsoever. That said, she cares about your feelings and deeply values your relationship. She asks you to describe your take on the situation and your feelings in more detail, making a point to make you feel heard and validated—even going so far as to imply that she thinks that you might want to rethink hanging out with that other couple more in the future.
Scenario 3: You and your spouse are out at a dinner party. As you mingle with others from your shared social circle, you find yourselves engrossed in a conversation with some old friends. They drop on you that, starting in a few days, they are not only going to Hawaii for two weeks but, further, that they are planning to visit both Maui and Kauai—and they have reserved helicopter tours for the whole family for both islands. And because the husband travels extensively for work, he has enough frequent flyer miles to cover first-class tickets for the whole family. Your immediate feeling is that you are happy for them. You look over at your spouse and can see that she is trying hard to hold back feelings of envy and resentment. You honestly find yourself kind of put off by your spouse, thinking to yourself that she is being petty in the situation. This moment comes up for discussion on the car ride home.
Nonempathic Response: You find yourself telling your spouse that her reaction was truly unbelievable and that she has no right to feel envy in a situation like that. You point out that you and your family have plans to go to Europe in a few weeks and Disney before the year’s end. You shake your head and mutter under your breath that your partner is simply unreal.
Empathic Response: You tell your spouse that you noticed that she seemed a little upset upon hearing about your friends’ vacation plans. You ask her to explain her take on the situation. You genuinely had a very different take so, in good faith, you truly want to understand how she saw things. You also ask her about her feelings in particular regarding the situation—listening as carefully as you can. While you don’t find yourself feeling the same way as your spouse does regarding the situation, at least you now better understand her feelings and you express that to her. You realize that sometimes people just need to have their feelings validated and heard.
Bottom Line
Intimate relationships are not always strawberries and cream. People inherently see the world differently from one another. And the ability to respond empathically when disagreements arise can be challenging.
Hopefully, simply knowing that these hurdles are natural psychological hurdles to any relationship and that it is possible to make a conscious effort to take them into account in relationship interactions can be helpful for people looking to cultivate loving and healthy relationships.
Note: A version of this post also appears on Substack. I own the copyright to the content.
References
Ross, L., & Nisbett, R.E. (1991). The Person and the Situation: Perspectives of Social Psychology. New York: McGraw Hill.
