Struggling With Infertility? Forgo Setting Goals for 2024

Happy New Year—or… maybe not. Your socials are bursting with hopeful wishes for a joyous 2024—but for those struggling with infertility, the new year can be a time of heightened grief, provoked by a reminder of the fleeting passage of time as another year goes by without the child for whom you’ve wished ceaselessly.

Adding insult to injury are the never-ending ads, posts, and news stories about New Year’s resolutions. While so many are conjuring up motivational lists of personal goals geared toward physical and mental well-being, those struggling to build a family may be trying to simply stay afloat in a sea of sadness and exhaustion from the holidays, feeling overwhelmed by the year ahead.

Just when you thought you were free from answering boundary-ignoring questions about when you plan to conceive and warding off yet another imprudent comment from Aunt Sally about how a vacation and a glass of wine always worked for her when she had her five kids in her late 20’s, you are bombarded at every turn with expectations about how to live your best life in 2024. Exercise more. Eat healthy. Get organized. Build a better budget. Meditate. Drink less. Read more. Sleep better. Spend less time on social media.

Infertility patients are no strangers to the endless “what to do to get pregnant” lists, and these added New Year’s pressure points are enough to drive people to do the very opposite of everything suggested. Infertility is experienced as a stressful life crisis that has been compared to that of cancer and other devastating diseases (Domar, A., et al., 1993). Yet, even though the level of distress is similar, those suffering with infertility do not garner the same level of compassion from others or give that compassion to themselves.

Instead of putting more pressure on yourself to be perfect during the time of year when you are likely to feel your worst, give self-compassion a try. Pat yourself on the back, and stand in awe of the amazing courage, strength, and emotional resilience you have shown over the past year (and beyond). Congratulate yourself for having the endurance to give endless injections, juggle doctor’s appointments with work schedules and personal obligations, and show up to holiday gatherings with a smile when you would rather be home hiding away from the world.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a big proponent of structured self-care.

Find things that bring you joy:

• Light a scented candle.
• Buy yourself flowers.
• Sleep on your favorite sheets.
• Meditate

Make sure to create rituals everyday:

• Listen to music while cooking dinner.
• Make a cup of tea while checking emails.
• Take three deep cleansing breaths when you wake up.
• List three things you are grateful for before going bed.

Uncertainty and lack of control are two of the most challenging aspects of infertility. These self-care strategies will help you gain control of the things you can actually control while letting go of the things you can’t, like those endless waiting lists to see the doctor or trying to turn back the hands of your biological clock. Your list of pleasures and joys should build empowerment, lift your mood, and restore hope—they should not add pressure to your life, especially when you are already likely to feel irrational blame for your infertility.

Don’t get overwhelmed with unrealistic mile-long lists of New Year’s resolutions that are overwhelming and impossible for even the most exceptional people to achieve. According to The Forbes Health/One Poll survey (https://www.forbes.com/health/mind/new-years-resolutions-statistics/), 62 percent say they feel pressured to set a New Year’s resolution, but the average resolution lasts just 3.74 months with only 8 percent of respondents sticking with their goals for one month.

Don’t get stuck in procrastination, fear, and failure. Instead, choose one realistic action item for 2024—pick something that is aligned with where you are on your family-building journey right now. Maybe this week is when you make the appointment to meet with a fertility doctor. Perhaps January is the month you begin researching egg-freezing options. Can you take a short amount of time off to recalibrate and focus on next steps? Is this the year you contact the surrogacy agency or look on the donor egg/sperm website? Maybe it’s all too overwhelming and speaking with a reproductive mental health counselor is the right step for you. It’s all about accepting where you are in your journey right now and not feeling stuck.

Infertility Essential Reads

4 Steps to Creating a Story for Your Donor-Conceived Child

Separate Infertility From Your Child’s Donor Story

If giving yourself permission to sit this year’s resolutions out is too difficult, then I’ll give it to you. I give you permission to be kind to yourself. Reflect on the past year with respect for all you have endured. Be gentle and compassionate with your pain, regret, and grief and know that you do not suffer alone. There are people who can help support you through this year’s journey and beyond. Think of the new year as a way to take care of yourself in new ways and to add more of what makes you feel like the best version of you during this difficult time.