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Key points
- Children need time to adjust to new circumstances, and some of what we expect from them strains the limits of their developmental capabilities.
- Approximately 4.5 percent of children have a depression diagnosis. Many more never get the diagnosis or the treatment they need.
- Children with depression cannot think themselves out of their negative feelings. Seek help if sadness or anger is chronic.
If you’re like millions of parents across the country, you and your kids are beginning to settle into a new school routine.
Maybe you’re lucky enough to have a child who happily heads off to school daily. But most families eventually hit a few bumps in the road–anxiety about school, trouble with the course material, separation anxiety, or classroom behavior issues.
Children are not miniature adults. They need time to adjust to new circumstances, and some of what we expect from them strains the limits of their developmental capabilities. So how can a parent tell what’s normal and what’s not? And what do you do if your child is having some trouble?
Here’s what you need to know about transitioning back to school as easily as possible.
Separation Anxiety
Separation anxiety isn’t just for very young children. Kids of all ages can experience it, especially if they go to school for the first time or change schools. Some first-day (and first week and first month) tears are normal. Parents can ease the transition by:
- Allowing kids to freely express their feelings. Don’t tell a child how to feel or demean feelings of fear or anxiety.
- Remaining calm and confident about school.
- Keeping goodbyes short.
- Offering reassurance and love.
- Giving kids simple tools for managing anxiety and encouraging them to practice those tools often.
Separation anxiety tends to ease with time. If it doesn’t, a therapist may be able to help. Consider seeking help if:
- Your child regularly refuses to go to school.
- Separation anxiety does not improve after a few weeks or gets worse.
- Anxiety about school affects your child’s behavior at home.
- Your child’s teacher reports that your child does not calm down or adjust after you leave.
Learning and Attention Difficulties
Your child has spent the summer away from a formal classroom environment. They may have forgotten some information, gotten out of the habit of paying attention, or developed new anxieties. Some kids pretend not to know things they have already mastered until they get more comfortable in a new environment. You can help them learn by:
- Rewarding effort, not grades.
- Keeping open lines of communication with your child about their school work and any struggles they are having
- Asking what you can do to support your child at home.
- Creating a calm, quiet, dedicated study space.
Learning and attentional difficulties are not behavior problems or choices. Even if your child appears not to be trying, there’s always a reason behind the issue. Seek help if:
- Your child seems to be unable to sit still in class.
- Your child continues to struggle after the first few weeks of school.
- Your child’s teacher expresses concern about their attention or learning ability.
Behavior Issues
With children, behavior is communication. No matter how challenging your child is, they are usually not being mischievous for no reason or in a deliberate attempt to provoke you. Expect some anxiety and hyperactivity in the new school year. You might also notice trouble sleeping, more sibling squabbles, more defiance, and occasionally a regression. Your child has had a disruption in their routine, which means they may disrupt your routine.
A gentle approach works well. Validate your child’s feelings, but hold the boundary. For example, “You really want to stay up late because you're having fun, but it’s time to go to bed now.” “You’re angry because I won’t give you more screen time. I know you love your show. But now it’s time to move on to our next task.” Take some deep breaths and remain calm. This models calm behavior to your children and prevents disputes from escalating. You might need some additional help if:
- Your child is regularly and frequently having destructive or violent tantrums.
- You feel you cannot manage your child's behavior.
- Your child is frequently initiating violent altercations with siblings.
- Your child seems chronically distressed.
- Your child’s teacher has expressed concerns about their behavior.
Depression
Approximately 4.5 percent of children have a depression diagnosis. Many more never get the diagnosis or the treatment they need. Sadness is a normal part of life; children should be encouraged to feel and express their emotions. This may include temporary feelings of sadness or grief during major transitions, including the transition back to school.
If your child is feeling sad, offer support and listen. Don’t try to diminish the severity of their suffering or force them to pretend to be happy. Often, a warm listening ear and a hug are all they need. Even when these interventions fail, it’s important for parents to remain calm and show children that they can tolerate distress. If you panic every time your child gets sad, you teach your child that being sad is unacceptable.
Children with depression cannot think themselves out of their negative feelings. It’s not their fault. But the sooner you get help, the better. Reach out for help if:
- A child seems chronically sad.
- A child does not enjoy activities they once did.
- A child expresses suicidal thoughts or feelings.
- A child hurts themselves.
- A child seems very angry much of the time. Some children express depression as anger.
We all want our children to thrive, and so, for many parents, admitting that a child is not thriving can be very painful. You may blame yourself or feel frustrated with your child. You might worry that seeking help will just add one more task to an already exhausting to-do list.
The truth is that seeking help improves things and can rapidly ease your stress–and your child’s. Acknowledging that there is a problem is the first step toward fixing it. The sooner you get support, the easier it could be to help your child get back on track.
If you or someone you love is contemplating suicide, seek help immediately. For help 24/7, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, or reach out to the Crisis Text Line by texting TALK to 741741. To find a therapist near you, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
