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Key points
- How we use our curiosity could either create better connections or generate resistance to being with us.
- Empathetic curiosity creates a bond because people feel heard, understood, and valued.
- Probing curiosity feels like an interrogation and can cause conflict or disconnection.
The source of your curiosity can either improve a conversation or harm it. The result could impact your relationship over time, either creating better connections or generating resistance to being with you.
One end of the “curiosity spectrum” includes wanting to understand their experience to fully see how they are thinking, which we strive to use in coaching. I often refer to this as empathetic curiosity.
The other end of the spectrum includes wanting to learn more so you can take action either to fix the problem or teach the person; you want to tell them what to do. Even when your intent is to relieve the person’s distress, they may feel pushed instead of cared for. I call this probing curiosity.
Empathetic curiosity creates a bond in which the person feels heard, understood, and valued. Their point of view is appreciated even if it conflicts with what you feel is right. They feel respected even if their situation has left them feeling inadequate.
Probing curiosity can start with the person feeling your care about their perspective, but then it can feel intrusive or judgmental. The person may feel dependent on you to fix their problem, or confused, even irritated by your investigation. Sometimes it just feels like you are being nosy and not really listening.
Probing Curiosity
When you feel the need to take care of the person you are listening to, you listen for how you can fix, guide, or heal them. Your comforting reactions or wise advice can reduce their power. You inhibit their growth by not letting them fully express and sort through their emotions. You could break the bond of trust they had hoped for when they started to open up to you.
Empathetic Curiosity
When you listen to understand and appreciate what people feel with caring silence and compassionate questions, you create a connection in two ways. First, you give them a safe space to share their experience without feeling judged for their reaction, even if they are judging themselves. Second, the energy you extend because you care but believe they can use this moment to emotionally or psychologically grow encourages them to better understand themselves in the process.
Most people long to feel seen, heard, and valued no matter what they express. They want to be themselves without judgment. They don’t need you to feel sad, stressed, angry, or anxious with them. You can compassionately share what you are sensing and invite them to explore their experience so you both have a better understanding of how their emotions are impacting their thoughts. If you absorb and mirror their emotions, your words and expressions will reflect and even amplify the intensity of their reactions. They might feel guilty or sorry for upsetting you and may even feel they have to take care of you.
With empathetic curiosity, you might notice and physically feel their pain or anxiety, but then you exhale the tension so you stay open to experience. Be patient with their reaction. Give them time to think. Then you can ask how their experience relates to something they now want for themselves. You elevate both self-awareness and psychological safety by receiving their words and emotions with empathetic curiosity.
Steps for Embodying Empathetic Curiosity
Regardless of how you use your curiosity, it is better to be curious than to shift to telling people your opinion or recounting your story, focusing on yourself instead of the person you are listening to. Practice shifting out of what you think to discover what a person means by what they are saying and what they need from you now. Then follow these suggestions to develop compassionate and courageous empathy in any conversation:
- Notice when emotions arise in your body. Empathetic curiosity requires you to use compassion and courage to stay in the conversation, especially when someone is experiencing sadness, embarrassment, regret, or uncertainty. Staying present and compassionate and believing in their ability to understand and grow may be a difficult habit to develop. Start by noticing when you feel a point of tension or rumbling in your body. Breathe and release the tension so you can return to care with silence.
- If you think talking about their experience would be helpful, first describe the behavior you noticed. For example, you could start by saying, “When you paused and looked away, there seemed to be sadness or confusion. Would you be willing to share what you are thinking and feeling right now?”
- Quickly own and release your impulse to save the person, fix their problem, or share your own story that you think mirrors theirs. If you feel sad for them (sympathy) or want to tell them they are right to feel the way they do (commiserate), stay silent. Breathe and return to feeling curious and believing in their ability to move forward. When their emotions begin to subside, you can ask if they would share what is on their mind.
- If they say they need time to think—honor their request. Ask how you might support them now or if they would like to meet again and when. Remember, they will feel better if you let them move through their reactions at their own pace. It may take time for them to put the right words to what is emerging in their thoughts.
You may not know if you are being empathetic or, instead, probing too much. You can notice if the person is willing or reluctant to talk about what they are experiencing. Empathetic curiosity invites people to open up and be vulnerable with you. Notice when they begin to limit what they share, seem agitated, or try to shift the focus to blaming others instead of what they feel and need. You may be probing too much. Sit back, remember how much you care and believe in them, and relinquish having to lead the conversation. Let it unfold within this trustworthy connection.
