5 Reasons People Put Up With Abusive Relationships

Abusive relationships are among the most punishing and puzzling problems that anyone can endure. It may seem hard to fathom why anyone would stay in a relationship that is detrimental to their well-being, let alone physically threatening. However, there are psychological mechanisms that may rationally explain why victims remain in abusive relationships despite these adverse consequences.

1. Homeostasis. Our bodies and minds have an automatic tendency to maintain a stable state of balance. We unconsciously gravitate toward the comfort of the familiar because we feel safer in environments in which we have learned to adapt and survive. The problem is that victims of abuse grow accustomed to constant states of fear, anxiety, and stress. So much so, they may learn to adapt to these heightened states of psychological and physiological arousal as the new normal. Leaving an abuser runs the risk of disrupting their balance and security. This ironically can lead to emotional dysregulation and higher stress levels, not lower ones. Better the devil you know than the fear of the unknown.

2. Denial. This unconscious defense mechanism protects victims from the pain and anguish of accepting the harsh reality of an unbearable situation. A victim may rationalize and minimize abusers’ behavior by convincing themselves that it’s not really that bad, or that they may have deserved the punishment. Denial helps victims cope with feelings of fear, anger, and helplessness in circumstances that would otherwise be too overwhelming. It also provides victims with a semblance of normalcy and stability amid a very difficult confrontational relationship.

3. Learned Helplessness. If denial does not work, learned helplessness can help. This psychological mechanism develops in victims suffering from repeated abuse over time in environments where they have no control. Victims eventually stop trying to escape because all their efforts appear futile. While this may seem irrational, it allows victims to conserve energy by ceasing to struggle and fight back while focusing on surviving the threats. This helps them stabilize these adversities and return to homeostasis while preventing further harm from an enraged retaliatory abuser.

4. Intermittent Reinforcement. When behaviors are rewarded randomly as opposed to consistently, these behaviors are often more likely to occur as subjects tend to exhibit greater effort in hopes of attaining the elusive reward. Think of the enticing pull of a slot machine, not knowing when the next payout happens. Similarly, abusers take victims for a ride on an emotional roller coaster, offering up inconsistent swings of affection and kindness and punishment and neglect. These random inconsistencies can leave their victims hanging on and wanting more. This creates “trauma bonding” and a powerful emotional attachment that is hard to break that finds victims making excuses for their abuser. While this may not appear to make sense, it does help the victim better cope with life and the unusual cruelty they feel compelled to endure.

5. Stockholm Syndrome. Similarly, this psychological mechanism involves hostages developing a sense of emotional bonding, affection, and loyalty toward their captors. The counterintuitive phenomenon also applies to people who feel trapped and powerless in abusive relationships. Victims may go to extraordinary lengths to defend their abusers and modify their belief systems, sometimes reframing their captors as protectors. From the perspective of outsiders, these actions may seem crazy, but they function to de-escalate the crisis by facilitating a sense of stability, security, and safety in a very dangerous situation.

In Summary

People may stay in abusive relationships for numerous compelling reasons that we may not be fully aware of. Breaking free from these complex and contradictory challenges requires a great deal of understanding, patience, and persistence. By recognizing these patterns and developing a healthy and more accurate sense of our self-worth and control, anyone can learn to stop the cycle that no longer serves them well. Everyone deserves to be safe and happy. And with the right guidance and support, there’s always a way out.