Managing Information About Consensual Non-Monogamy in Children's Social Worlds

This third post in a series about coming out to children as polyamorous addresses how parents can help their kids manage information about polyamory when their family’s situation requires discretion. The first post explained the circumstances under which parents might want to come out to their children, and the second offered tips on how to talk to kids about polyamory.

Got outed or discovered?

If you don’t need to come out or have already intentionally come out to your children, then consider skipping ahead one paragraph. If, however, you discovered that the kid(s) already figured it out on their own before you told them, then read on.

Parents in this situation might want to begin by apologizing for keeping a secret and explaining to the kids why they made the choices that they did, emphasizing that they know it is not ideal but that perhaps it was the lesser of two evils. These parents might want to confirm with their kids that they will be honest with them in the future—every time it is safe, wise, and relevant to do so.

Depending on the kids’ ages, parents might want to mention that some things are adult things and not relevant or appropriate for adults to talk to children about, and that is OK. It doesn’t mean parents are hiding things out of shame; just that some things are private adult matters.

Emphasize privacy when necessary

Polyamorous parents who are concerned about the effects of polyphobia can face a double bind when it comes to disclosing information about their polyamorous relationships to their kids. On the one hand, telling the kids and then expecting them to keep it a secret has iffy outcomes at best; more importantly, making kids keep secrets can inflict emotional damage. On the other hand, hiding something from kids can take a lot of effort, feel creepy, introduce dishonesty into the relationship, and often end up being futile when the kids figure it out for themselves. While parents may not need to monitor the information so closely with tweens and teens, who generally attempt to screen the information they share with others, some younger children could be of greater concern if they tell adults and peers all sorts of things about their families.

Some polyamorous parents don’t have to talk to their kids about privacy because they are free to be completely out with their children, extended families, friends, communities, and employers. In that case, encouraging the children to discuss their polyamorous families is the ideal. According to the data from the Longitudinal Polyamorous Families Study (LPFS), kids raised in polyamorous families tend to take them for granted and generally do not need permission to discuss them or even give an explanation about their family until they encounter a different kind of family (usually either monogamous parents or a single parent) in their social environment and return to report this outlandish sighting to the polycule. Polyamorous parents who live in a liberal city, have secure custody of their children, own their own homes, and are self-employed or work for companies that do not require employees to sign a morality clause probably do not have to talk to their kids about discretion around information about their polyamorous family.

For parents who live in conservative areas, have an ex-spouse or wealthy and religious parent who might try to take custody of the (grand)children, and/or could get evicted or fired for being polyamorous, however, children’s discretion could be crucial for the families’ safety. In those cases, it is important for kids to know that there is no shame in being polyamorous, and being discrete can be about privacy instead of hiding something that is bad. One parent in the LPFS study reported that she told her kids it was like the difference between home, where it was OK to be naked, and public places like school or the grocery store where everyone wears clothes. They don’t have to be ashamed of their bodies to wear clothes, because being naked is a private thing for the home, and clothes are for the public places. In that same way, talking about the polycule is not shameful, but rather a private thing that is acceptable within a clearly identified boundary but should not be discussed in other places.

Two older adults holding young children.

Source: Pixabay/Pexels

If disclosure to grandparents might prove dangerous to the family's well-being, parents might explain to the kids that talking about polyamory is like saying those words that make Grandma’s face squinch up. Parents can say, “You know those words that you sometimes hear us say that some people think are bad? Grandma gets upset when we say those words, so we can use other words around her and keep those words for home. Talking about polyamory would also be upsetting for Grandma, so just like we don’t say those words around her, we also don’t talk about polyamory around her.” Parents should be sure to end the conversation on a positive note by reminding their kids that they are safe to talk to the parents about anything, and it is OK to talk to other people in the defined boundary, like other members of the polycule and other folks who already know about and support the polycule.

Kids control the information in their worlds

As they get older, kids in any kind of family tend to become more adroit at interpreting the social world around them. This is especially true for their understandings of peers and the adults with whom they frequently interact, like teachers, coaches, and peers’ parents. Polyamorous parents of tweens and teens might want to follow their kids’ leads when it comes to disclosing information about the polyamorous family in the children’s social circles.

One LPFS participant who grew up in a polyamorous family said that, at first, she never really had to explain it because her peers were too young to notice anything beyond their immediate sphere of games, toys, and snacks—certainly not what was happening among the adults. As she got older and peers started to notice, she would use distraction to redirect what she called their “goldfish brain” attention to something else—a tactic she called “look, shiny!” Later, she began using the phrase, “I don’t know, those are just my mom’s weird friends.” When accompanied with an eye roll, that phrase can explain almost any situation to the satisfaction of most 14-year-olds.

Polyamory Essential Reads

When Your Parents Are Polyamorous

Why Some Couples Choose Polyamory

If and when children decide to reveal their family status to their peers, it should be the child’s choice. Kids in the LPFS tended to use selective disclosure to inform some of their trusted peers and valued friends about their families and simply avoid the subject with others. One way they avoided the subject with peers was to negotiate sleep-over supremacy, in which the child was able to designate specific evenings when they would be having friends for a sleep-over. On those nights, the adults in the household were not allowed to have any additional adults sleep over. The absence of seemingly extra adults meant that the kids never had to explain the nature of their families.

Where to Find Support?

There are a few resources parents can use to find friends with diverse families where kids from polyamorous families can be themselves and not worry about who knows what. These include online groups in poly digital spaces and mainstrem digital communication fora like Facebook. Similarly, parents in polyamorous relationships can find a range of conferences and conventions focused on polyamory that are also welcoming to children. Also, organizations dedicated to LGBTQ+ families are also more likely to be friendly to polyamorous families than heterosexually focused organizations. Finally, liberal religious congregations can also be supportive of family diversity, including polyamorous families. For more specific details, see this blog.