How to Talk to Children about Polyamory

The first blog in this series on talking to children about polyamory addressed the conditions that influence parents to come out to their children as polyamorous, or not. This second blog in the series offers tips to parents who have decided to come out to their kids, and the third provides guidance about how to manage information about CNM in children’s lives. The series closes with a fourth blog about how parents in CNM relationships can support their child/ren’s social health.

You may want to tell your child about your polyamorous relationship, especially if you have decided that: your child is old enough to understand; your partner is relevant to your child’s life, and; your family is safe enough that it will not be imperiled if your child mentions your polyamorous relationship to your boss, friend, or father-in-law. If your child asks questions about your relationship, that indicates that they are old enough to understand at least a simple answer.

Many polyamorous parents in my Longitudinal Polyamorous Family Study (LPFS) reported that they waited for their children to ask questions about their relationships, and then answered kids’ questions with honest, age-appropriate information. Others felt that it was important to bring up their polyamorous relationships with one or all of their children because the kids might have noticed and the parents did not want the kids to think there was a secret that they had to keep from the other parent. Still other parents in the LPFS got outed to their children and/or other people by circumstances or others' intent.

No matter how you choose to inform the kids or they find out, there are a few suggestions from the LPFS that could offer some guidance on talking to kids about polyamory. These include being age-appropriate, askable, matter-of-fact, and honest, plus a few tips on what to say.

Be Age-Appropriate

Children in polyamorous families have widely varying experiences, depending in part on their ages. Tweens and teens have far more sophisticated understandings of adult relationships than do younger children, so you can give those older kids more detailed information than the little ones. Use your understanding of your child to determine the kind of information you provide.

Be Askable

Creating an environment in which kids feel safe asking questions is a great step towards establishing the kind of relationship that will allow them to ask you about polyamory. While some families have secrets they are not allowed to talk about, the families in the LPFS generally allowed their kids to ask any question, about anything that occurred to them. Sometimes the adults would say that was a private thing or they would talk about it later, but the kids never got in trouble for asking about anything. This set the stage for the kids to ask their parents questions about what was happening in the family.

Be Matter-of-Fact

There is no shame in being honest and negotiating designer relationships among adults, so when you talk to your kids about being in a CNM relationship be sure to be matter-of-fact. No bashfulness, no need for anyone to cringe.

Instead, ask for your kids’ attention in a low-key way and give them information with a relaxed and confident tone. Ideally, your disclosure flows seamlessly into conversation with your child, with no special emphasis or planning on your part but simply part of the interaction of daily life. You might need to arrange a time to bring it up, but be careful to avoid days that are already important for other reasons like birthdays, holidays, weddings, or graduations.

Image: Honesty spelled in shells on sand

Source: PX Here, Haseeb Photography

Be Honest

Honesty is a hallmark of polyamorous relationships, and parents in the LPFS reported that it trickled down from their interactions with their romantic and polyaffective partners to influence their parenting. Parents told their kids the truth, and the kids appreciated it and often responded in kind. This was true of discussing polyamory as well. When children would ask their parents who are these other people, parents would explain honestly in a way that made sense to the kids at that age. Overall this method had the best results, as a couple of the kids in the LPFS reported that they did not get enough information from their parents (for good reason in each case) and were left in uncomfortable confusion for a while until they figured it out themselves.

What to Say?

In addition to being honest and age-appropriate, polyamorous parents and their children in the LPFS both reported that less is more. Beyond providing enough information for the kids to understand whatever they can grasp at their age, it might be best to wait for the kids to ask for more information. The teens and tweens in the LPFS suggest that the most comfortable language for them to hear from their parents was that they were “hanging out” with other people, each person knew about it and had agreed to it, and that the kids could ask more questions if they wanted. Here, their emphasis was not on the sexual content of their relationships, but that the other parent/s knew and it was OK with all of the adults involved.

If or when you tell your child/ren that you have a CNM relationship, you all are going to have to figure out how to manage that information in the outside world. The next blog gives tips for parents and kids about dealing with people outside of the polycule.