Present-Tense Your Intimate Communication

Present tense communication is a high-risk, high-gain endeavor.

Source: Photo by Galit Romanelli

“I realized that I was a jerk.”

“I discovered what I was hiding all these years…”

“I finally confronted my aggression.”

“I understood why I was angry at you.”

When reading these sentences, they might sound aware, insightful, and sincere.

Which they are.

But if you read them again you’ll notice something else.

All these sentences are in past tense.

We all tend to speak in past tense. I’ve found that partners tend to speak in past tense especially when it comes to intimate conversations about sensitive topics.

Why? Because speaking in past tense in intimate relationships can double as an unconscious defense mechanism against threatening vulnerability and intimacy. This initially might surprise you, but let me explain.

Benefits of Past-Tense Communication

Speaking in past tense, albeit honest, in the long run can prevent empathy and closeness.

It’s pseudo-vulnerability. Past tense is a safe way to share something vulnerable without the risk of being exposed. It's pseudo-vulnerability: On one hand you’re sharing something that happened to you (being vulnerable) but the emphasis is that it happened in the past and not now (less vulnerable). It’s reporting on the result of your inner journey, instead of sharing the journey itself. It reflects more self-presentation than vulnerable self-disclosure.

It protects you from hurtful feedback. Past tense protects you from feedback or challenge. Since you already realized and learned about yourself, then there isn’t much your partner can renew, stretch, or contribute to your growth. You remain safe from harsh criticism or feedback.

It’s a one-up move. By consistently speaking in past tense, you position yourself above your partner, who might not have processed what you now understand. It positions you as the more regulated and aware partner.

Taxes of the Past (Tense)

Speaking in past tense consistently creates an impression that you aren’t really open to input or to accepting influence from your partner. This can make your partner feel less impactful and meaningful in your life. How can they contribute or be meaningful in your process if you already realized and understood yourself? Eventually your partner will be less curious, open, and vulnerable with you, since you’re not exposing your behind-the-scenes.

Over time, past-tense communication creates a one-up relational move that produces more distance and an implicit hierarchy. The result is less excitement, collaboration, co-creation, and synergy—all the things that make a vital, empowering, collaborative relationship.

What’s the solution?

Speak in Present Tense

Speaking in present tense is a high risk, high gain endeavor and has many advantages:

1. Vitality. The high risk is you’re sharing what is happening inside yourself right now. You might be perceived as weak, confused, lost, or unregulated. Yes, you’re opening yourself to criticism, ridicule, even attack. That feeling of being on the edge of your comfort zone is positive anxiety, the combination of fear and excitement. You two will venture to new territories and create a synergistic, exciting interchange.
2. Personal and relational growth. The high gain is you open yourself to accepting influence. Your partner often sees your blind sides and can help you become more aware and stretch you. Present tense invites your partner to witness and join the collaborative brainstorm about your life. As you both speak in present tense, your communication will be more exciting, challenging, and empowering.
3. Increased intimacy and empathy. When partners both "broadcast live" in present tense, they are both more vulnerable. Intimacy can be defined as Into-Me-See: the process of confronting yourself in the presence of your partner. When you speak live, you unveil the backstage to your life, which is endearing and inviting.
4. More relational equality. Present-tense expression positions you both as equal partners, witnessing together, shoulder to shoulder, the unfolding of the inner world of each other. This helps the dyad move toward a more synergistic relational equilibrium.

How to Shift to the Present

With some practice, you will be able to change the communication culture of your relationship to the present.

1. Reflect whether you or your partner tends to often speak in past tense during intimate conversations.
2. Share this post with your partner and express your wish to playfully explore a more vulnerable way to disclose, by which you both dare to share openly in order to grow.
3. Cut the umbilical cord. Prepare your partner that they don’t need to react or fix you, just listen and remain curious. Remind them that your feelings are not their responsibility.
4. Start small. Dare to share in small nuggets of what’s happening inside you at the moment. Do it trembling, but do it. Play with broadcasting live. This is the practical application of self-validated intimacy: Sharing without expecting your partner to validate or reciprocate your feelings.
5. Embrace not knowing. If you don’t know what to say, just admit it. “I’m not really sure what I feel about what you just told me. I need to sit with this a bit more.” You can also admit that “I don’t know”, which helps equalize the power dynamic in the dyad and invites a joint journey toward a new learning.

When you shift to present-tense communication, your relationship will enjoy the presents that it brings: more vitality, energy, zest, growth, ruptures and repairs. So present-tense your communication and see how that changes your life.