Are You Having Enough Sex?

Sex is something that we all do. While there are plenty of reasons to have sex (see 7 reasons), some of us, for whatever reason, do it more often than others.

With the increasing popularity of porn, people are, arguably, more knowledgeable about sex than ever. However, there is still a LOT of misinformation floating around.

How often do we have ‘sex’?

There is a surprising amount of variability in what people consider “having sex” (for example, about 45% of people consider manual-genital stimulation to be “sex”, and 71% consider performing oral sex to be “sex”). A study conducted at the Kinsey Institute concluded that the average frequency with which someone has sex varies partly as a function of their age:

• 18-29 year olds; 2.15 times a week
• 30-39 year olds; 1.65 times a week
• 40-49 year olds; 1.33 times a week

Sex is definitely one of the key goods around which marriage (and pretty much any intimate relationship) is organized. One of the factors determining how much sex you have is whether or not you are married, and if so, how long you have been married. Sexual frequency within a marriage has been positively linked with emotional and marital satisfaction (for both men and women), and negatively linked with the likelihood of divorce.

A large American study found that the average sexual frequency of married couples was, wait for it, 1.25 times/week – even less than people in the 40-49 year old age bracket! Another surprising finding of the study was that sexual frequency within the relationship increased when the male partner did less around the house. More specifically, men were sexually ‘penalized’ for attempting domestic tasks traditionally associated with women…(?)

A 2016 study published in The Archives of Sexual Behavior found that among married couples living in America, frequency of sex, sexual satisfaction, and marital satisfaction all decreased over time. In all cases the drop-off was pretty dramatic in the first few years after marriage and then gradually leveled off.

The way to maintain passion might be to mix it up in the bedroom, and have frequent orgasms. While some estimates suggest that men are three times more likely to achieve an orgasm during sex than women, the good news is that women are more likely to achieve orgasm as they age (men are less likely).

A large study backed by NBC News found that frequency and variety of sex were among the best predictors of sexual satisfaction and passion for both men and women.

How often do people really have anal sex?

If you’ve ever spent any time online you’ve probably seen at least one advertisement about porn. These ads do a pretty good job of giving you the impression that just about everyone is frequently engaging in anal sex. This probably isn’t the case, but the stats may surprise you.

It’s not surprising that most (but not all) homosexual men have engaged in anal sex at some point. The overwhelming majority report having participated in both insertive and receptive intercourse. What might surprise some people is the increasing amount of heterosexual individuals that are having anal sex.

One comprehensive review suggested that a very conservative lower-limit estimate for the proportion of American women regularly engaging in anal sex would be around 10%. The absolute number of heterosexual people having anal sex is probably around 4-7x higher than the number of gay men having anal sex.

Reports from around the world tend to suggest that anal sex (among heterosexuals) is reasonably common in most parts. Some of the higher lifetime prevalence rates are in

• Finland (23-26%)
• West Germany (16-20%)
• Belgium (18-20%)

Bringing up the rear were Athens (10-15%) and the Netherlands (6-12%). A review of studies from France and the US found that about 26% and 20% of women respectively had participated in anal sex. This data was collected in the 90’s. In 2002 one US study found that 30% of women aged 15-44 reported having had heterosexual anal intercourse. In 2009 women aged 25-29 reported a lifetime prevalence rate of 46%.

Is sex addiction really a thing? If so is it common?

Obviously sexual frequency exists on a continuum with a portion of people having very little sex, and a portion having a LOT. Hypersexuality aka sex addiction aka nymphomania (women)/satyriasis (men) is a clinical diagnosis that refers to extremely frequent concern over or urges for sexual behaviour. The symptoms (which can include things like a dysfunctional obsession with sexual fantasy; a preoccupation with or overly enthusiastic pursuit of casual sex; compulsive masturbation) typically need to persist for at least 6 months to warrant a clinical diagnosis.

Although Tiger Woods seems to be the celebrity face of modern sex addiction, there are plenty of other well-known sex addicts:

• JFK – extramarital overachiever
• Amber Smith
• Kendra Jade Rossi
• Eliot Spitzer
• David Duchovny
• Jennie Ketcham
• Jesse James (ex-husband of Sandra Bullock)
• Charlie Sheen…
• Kanye West
• Michael Douglas (cured by partnering someone 25 years younger)
• Billy Bob Thornton
• Kari Ann Peniche
• Tom Sizemore
• Lindsay Lohan
• Amy Winehouse
• Anthony Kiedis (Red Hot Chili Peppers)

Kinsey found that the on average, men (15-85) had about 2 orgasms per week (sex/oral sex/masturbation). In the 18-50 year-old age bracket, about 15% report 7 or more orgasms a week (apparently about 1/3 males aged 18-59 masturbate at least once a week, and less than 2% do it daily).

It’s interesting to note that in almost all studies of human sexuality, men report having had far more sexual partners than women, often by a factor of at least 3! A British study, for example, found that the lifetime average number of sexual partners reported by males was 12.26, but only 3.32 for females. This doesn’t seem to make sense, given that every new heterosexual sex partner for a man is a new sex partner for his female counterpart.

Maybe they are both exaggerating (in opposite directions). It’s known that there are strong social proscriptions against promiscuity among women. Men, on the other hand, are more inclined to upwardly falsify their ‘numbers’. Additionally, there is evidence to suggest that men have a much more ‘inclusive’ definition of sex than women.

Most people would probably agree with the statement that men, to some extent, [attempt] to sow their seed with reckless abandon, or at least represent this (among their male friends at least). An American study found that over any given 1-year period, women wanted a total of 1 sex partner. For men, the number was 6.

Although high amounts of sexual experience is notoriously hard to accurately verify, we can point to a few prolific philanderers. Bear in mind that as many of these descriptions come from the men themselves, a degree of caution should be exercised when interpreting them.

• Scott Baio (“Happy Days”) once told Howard Stern that he slept with over 1,000 women (including Pamela Anderson, Heather Locklear, and Denise Richards). His epic claim to fame came when he was kicked out of the playboy mansion for sleeping with too many playmates.

• Hugh Hefner was once asked how many women he had slept with. He said it was over a thousand but a number of other estimates put it in the 2,500-5,000 range.

• Gene Simmons (Kiss) claims to have photographic evidence of each of the 5,000 women he says he’s slept with.

• Russell Brand claims to have slept with more than 2000 women prior to entering sex rehab in 2007. During the height of his sex addiction he was said to have been bringing home 3-4 women a day.

• Warren Beatty’s (“Bonnie & Clyde”) biographer estimates that he has slept with over 12,000 women.

• Wilt Chamberlain once scored 100 points in a professional basketball game. He claims to have bedded over 20,000 women throughout his prolific career.

• Casanova is perhaps the most notable womanizer of all time. His sexual exploits during the middle of the 18th century are the stuff of legend, and etched his name in the history books.

Just in case you’re wondering, most (but not all) medical professionals agree that sex addiction is real. It’s conservatively estimated that about 3-6% of the adult US population suffers from some form of sex addiction. Most sufferers are male (at least 80%). Because there is a pretty big stigma around having a ‘sex addiction’, a lot of people probably don’t come forward.

To be clear, sex addiction (like most addictions) is problematic, and not enjoyable. Sex addicts divert resources (time, energy etc.) into an ultimately unfulfilling pursuit. People’s jobs, relationships, and lives can be casualties of this unrelenting vice.

How often do we have ‘hookup’ sex?

“Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”. This was the response famously given by Elvis Presley when he was once asked why he was not married. This sensationalist quote has ‘headline grabber’ written all over it, and given the popularity of The King, probably caused a mild commotion back in the 1950’s. To be fair though, variants of this phrase can be found as far back as the 17th Century. Casual/hook-up/no-strings-attached sex (or whatever other name you want to give it) is NOT a new phenomenon.

There are plenty of reasons to have sex. Sex eases stress, boosts self-esteem, makes you psychologically ‘whole’, positively influences cognition, makes you look and feel younger, burns calories yada yada yada…Make no mistake, sex can be troublesome, unhealthy, and problematic, but the bottom line is, sex is good for your physical/psychological/emotional well-being.

The gender differences in receptivity to sexual offers is well known. Basically, men are generally more promiscuous than women. To be a bit more specific, men are generally less discriminating in who they have sex with. In a famous study by Russell Clark & Elaine Hatfield individual male and female college students walked around a campus, approached opposite-sex individuals and said: “I have been noticing you around campus. I find you to be very attractive.” They then asked one of three things:

• #Question 1 - Would you go out with me tonight? (56% women v. 50% men)
• #Question 2 - Would you come over to my apartment tonight? (6% women v. 69% men)
• #Question 3 - Would you go to bed with me tonight? (0% women v. 75% men)

They found a BIG difference in how the genders responded. About half of both the women and men asked said they would go out with the requesting stranger, but basically no women were willing to either come over to some strange guy’s apartment or go to bed with him (6% and 0% respectively). The majority of men were willing and eager (when asked by a woman, 69% and 75% respectively). According to the experimenters, agreeing men typically said things like “Why do we have to wait until tonight”, and profusely apologized when they said no ("I’m married, sorry”). Women generally gave more emphatic responses: “You’ve got to be kidding”, or “What’s wrong with you, leave me alone”.

I don’t imagine many people would be surprised or outraged by the statement that casual sex is popular, possibly more popular now than in any other time in history (this may be especially true among college-aged people). Popular sentiment and literature would suggest that uncommitted sex is becoming increasingly accepted in culture, representing a marked shift in social approval.

Recent US studies have found that 70-85% of sexually experienced adolescents (12-21) reported at least one casual sex partner in the last 12 months. Keep in mind that this does NOT include virgins or adults. Among college students (all ages) the number is probably closer to 30%. Apparently, the likelihood of having casual sex increases steadily from the age of 15-22. Nevertheless, the majority of both men and women say that they would prefer to be in a committed relationship than flitting from partner to partner.

It may be the case that extraverts more frequently engage in casual sex than introverts. A recent study appearing in SAGE Open found that, unsurprisingly, higher rates of casual sex were associated with:

• attendance at fraternity/sorority (or similar) parties
• attendance at large private parties
• attendance at bars (without dance floors).

A similar study found that education status, substance use, and the number of prior dating relationships one had been involved in, were also associated with higher frequency of casual sex. In general, the best predictors of engagement in one-night are extraversion and sensation seeking. Interestingly, this same study found that adults who didn’t complete high school reported having a lot more sex partners than those enrolled in a four-year degree.

How often do we watch porn?

You might be tempted to think that ‘modern’ attitudes toward porn are markedly different to 1970’s attitudes toward porn. After all, we have the internet now, and smartphones, and USB’s that comfortably hold several gigabytes (maybe even terabytes). We have Google, .XXX url’s, and ready access to as much adult cuddle footage as we want.

The times, they are a-changin’ (a bit)

A 2015 article appearing in The Journal of Sex Research reviewed evidence that compared attitudes toward pornography consumption between current college students and their parents. While more than two-thirds of male college students agreed that watching porn is “an acceptable way to express one’s sexuality”, this attitude was only shared by 37% of their fathers. Among women, about 50% agreed with the statement, but only 20% of their mothers did.

The differences are probably (at least partially) generational. To be clear, this does NOT say anything about attitudinal changes over time. Age-group differences probably don’t even change that much over time. In 1973, about 45% of males aged 18-26 had seen a porn movie in the last year. By the year 2008, the number had climbed to about 62% - an increase of 17%. Among males aged 54-62, the proportions were 13% and 23% respectively – an increase of 15%.

It’s hard not to have a gut feeling that a big part of the internet is porn. Between 2009-2010 13% of web searches were for erotic content. Apparently, back in 2010 only about 4% of the million most popular websites in the world were sex-related.

This may intuitively feel low to some people. Much higher figures (many rooted in hyperbole) are thrown around all the time. It’s reasonably common to hear the obvious overstatement that “half of the internet is porn”. In the early days of the internet (when the vast majority of users were men) the proportion was a fair bit higher (of the top 10 searches maybe 4 of them were porn-based) but a figure of 50% has never even come close to being remotely true.

While the final word has yet to be spoken, it is now fairly well agreed upon that excessive pornography use can at the very least lead to troublesome outcomes. It’s also well agreed upon that men consume far more porn than women, and are more likely than women to develop an addiction to it. They are also exposed to porn at an earlier age and use it more often in their own (solo) sexual activities (women use it more with partners). But none of this is news. Yes, men are more ‘sexed up’ than women, but many XXX viewers are genetically XX . About one-third of women have watched a porn movie (or part thereof) in the last month, and women between the ages of 18-24 collectively consume more porn than men in the 50+ year-old age category.

Prevalence rates do vary from country to country and age group to age group, but nearly all studies looking at gender differences in consumption of porn show a pretty big difference between the sexes, invariably ‘favouring’ men. In fact, estimated gender ranges don’t even overlap! For men, estimated lifetime consumption rates range from 86-98%, and for women the range is a lot lower but wider at 54-85%.

What is sexually normal?

What is ‘normal’ sex? Most of us probably have some ideas about what typically goes on in the bedroom, but when it comes down to it, this is a very complicated question. The DSM (the medical authority on psychological deviance) lists a few things that don’t fit into the category of sexual normality (see):

• Voyeurism
• Fetishism
• Exhibitionism, extended – had sex with a partner while someone else watched
• Exhibitionism, strict
• Frotteurism
• Masochism
• Sadism
• Transvestism
• Sex with a child

A recent study has found that many of these behaviours are actually fairly common (at least more common than most of us would think), and thinking about them is even more common. Here is the list again, but this time with the prevalence rates for each behaviour beside the item (the first number is the proportion of the sample that had actually experienced/committed the behaviour, and the bolded number in brackets is the rate of desire for the behaviour):

Voyeurism – 34.5% (46.3%)
Fetishism – 26.3% (44.5%)
Exhibitionism, extended – 30.6% (30.9%)
Exhibitionism, strict – 5% (4%)
Frotteurism – 26.1% (26.7%)
Masochism – 19.2% (23.8%)
Sadism – 5.5% (7.1%)
Transvestism – 4.9% (6.3%)
Sex with a child – 0.4% (0.6%)

Apart from ‘sex with a child’ (which people are presumably VERY reluctant to admit to, or admit to even thinking of), none of these items meet the criteria for statistical rareness. In fact, only sadism, masochism, and sex with a child could be considered statistically unusual.

I guess the bottom line here is that sexual behavior exists on continuum. This notion that sex is defined strictly by the occurrence of penile-vaginal intercourse within the confines of a committed relationship is probably outdated. What we do behind closed doors really is (and should stay) our business, as long as no-one is getting hurt. I’m not about to go off on some rant-ward trajectory preaching about tolerance and acceptance (although these personality characteristics probably aren’t the worst you can possess), but it’s quite possible that some of the sexual behaviors we might consider ‘weird’ are actually more common than we might think.