How to Stop Getting Defensive About Everything

I used to feel the need to be defensive and didn't care to understand what triggered that response. Defensiveness is often a natural reaction that stems from factors such as fear, ego, or a desire to prove ourselves right. For me, it's been helpful to recognize that defensiveness can create distance and push people away, which is not what I want in my relationships.

Being defensive is a common reaction that many of us experience in various aspects of our lives, including relationships. However, constantly being defensive can create distance and push people away. If you find yourself wanting to stop being defensive, here are a few strategies that can help:

1. Gain awareness. When we are defensive, we tend to prioritize protecting ourselves and proving our point rather than truly listening to the other person. This lack of genuine listening can make the other person feel unheard, invalidated, and unimportant. Over time, this can erode trust and create a sense of distance in the relationship. The first step is to be aware of when you feel defensive. Pay attention to your body's physical reactions, such as tension or constriction, as well as your emotional responses. Recognizing these signs can help you catch yourself in the moment and pause before reacting defensively.
2. Understand the root cause. Take a moment to understand why you are being defensive. Is it out of fear, ego, or a need to prove yourself right? By understanding the underlying reasons behind your defensiveness, you can start to address them more effectively. By taking the time to reflect and become aware of my defensiveness, I've discovered that certain triggers can set off this response. It could be a particular topic of conversation, criticism, or feeling misunderstood. Understanding these triggers has allowed me to be more aware of when I start to feel defensive and take a step back to assess the situation.
3. Create an emotional speed bump. When you feel the urge to be defensive, try to create an emotional speed bump. Take a breath and give yourself a moment to pause and reflect before responding. This can help you break the automatic reaction and give you space to choose a more constructive response. Reflecting on the underlying reasons behind my defensiveness has also been crucial. It has helped me realize that being defensive doesn't serve me well in the long run. It closes me off from truly listening to others and understanding their perspective. Instead, I strive to approach conversations with an open mind, listening to what the other person is saying as if it were the truth. This shift in mindset has allowed me to have more constructive and meaningful discussions.
4. Listen openly. Defensiveness hinders effective problem-solving and conflict resolution. When we are defensive, we are more likely to engage in arguments, escalate conflicts, and become entrenched in our positions. This can lead to a cycle of negativity and resentment, making it difficult to find common ground or reach mutually beneficial solutions. Instead of immediately defending your position, try to listen to what your partner or the other person is saying as if it were the truth. Approach the conversation with an open mind and a willingness to understand their perspective. Remember, listening doesn't mean you have to agree, but it allows for a more productive dialogue.
5. Break patterns. Defensiveness can create a pattern of interaction that becomes exhausting for both parties involved. If one person is consistently defensive, it can make the other person feel like they are walking on eggshells or constantly being attacked. This can lead to emotional exhaustion and a breakdown in the connection between individuals. If you notice a pattern of defensiveness in your relationships, it's important to break that cycle. Be proactive in addressing the triggers that make you defensive and work on finding healthier ways to respond. This might involve seeking therapy or counseling to explore and process any underlying issues.

Ultimately, defensiveness acts as a barrier to healthy and constructive communication. It prevents the building of trust, understanding, and empathy in relationships. By recognizing the impact of defensiveness and actively working to be less defensive, we can create a more open and supportive environment that fosters connection and growth.

Remember, change takes time and effort. It's normal to slip up occasionally, but the key is to be consistent in your efforts to be less defensive. By practicing these strategies, you can create a more open and supportive environment in your relationships.