Unloved Daughters and the Necessity of Anger

Source: Photograph by Blake Cheek. Copyright free. Unsplash

Recently, I’ve heard from a number of readers that they find themselves stuck in patterns of intense rage and anger at how they were treated during childhood, and that, despite their efforts, the emotions remain vivid and distressing. Anger—even intense anger—is a function of the adult child recognizing maternal or paternal mistreatment after years of rationalizing, normalizing, or trying simply to ignore the pain (as I have written before). As such, it’s a necessary part of recognition and healing because by being angry at their treatment—instead of papering it over or excusing it—the unloved daughter takes the first step toward being her own advocate. Yes, righteous anger at the utter unfairness of it is a key component.

But—there is always a qualifier somehow when it comes to processes—anger also ties you to the object of your anger and, as long as you are focused on the offending parent, you aren’t doing anything to promote your own healing and recovery. Anger also distorts our vision—seeing “red” is not just a metaphor—which can be spectacularly unhelpful when you want to recover from childhood experiences.

Strategies to defuse anger and process memories

One of things we need to do is outwit how our brains are wired to work when it comes to memories; we can thank evolution for the fact that painful memories are more retrievable than pleasant ones and are, in fact, stored in a different part of the brain than that sing-along of "Kumbaya" that makes you smile. There was an advantage for our forebears who remembered the guy who was hit by lightning standing under a tree or the cave that flooded in every storm; having those memories pop into your head increased your chances of survival, which is, of course, evolution’s goal. You are basically wired to remember the bad stuff with more immediacy and vividness than that perfect vacation.

So that requires action on your part. And some work.

Make sure you are cool processing your memories. The brain’s propensity to deliver the bad experiences in living color, alas, has a downside, which is to put you back in the moment that whatever happened with startling intensity. That was the case for Caitlyn, now 46:

“My mother was an expert at putting me down and denigrating every effort and achievement. But the moment that filled me with rage was recalling the first date I went on when I was 15; the young man and I were going to a school dance and, of course, I had carefully done my hair and makeup. When I went down the stairs to meet him, my mother was waiting at the bottom with a washcloth in her hand. It took me utterly by surprise when she basically tackled me and wiped everything off my face, saying, ‘Well, now at least you don’t look like a clown.” I burst into tears and Mike, all of 16, just stood there, his mouth open. We didn’t end up going to the dance; I was far too upset and humiliated. This is the memory that makes me shake with anger 30 years later.”

Caityln is “hot-processing” that memory—recalling not just every detail but how she felt in the moment all those years ago. When you use “hot” recall, you basically put yourself back in that moment and re-experience all the emotions you did then. Needless to say, this is not a good idea and, in fact, can set you back considerably.

Instead, focus on “cool” processing your memories. Don’t focus on what you felt but why you felt as you did. It may also be easier to pull up the memory as if it happened to someone else or as if you were seeing it from a distance so that you are using your powers of reason, not your emotions, to examine it. Try to make pulling up a memory as conscious as you can; see the tips below on the unwelcome recalls that intrude when you are stressed or under fire.

Tamp down your anger by shifting the focus to you and away from your abuser. Staying focused on your mother’s mistreatment will only tie you to her and to your anger which will not help you heal. You have to be able to consciously shift your attention to how her treatment affected you and how its effects continue to animate your life and your choices in large ways and small. This aspect of healing is best done with the support of a gifted therapist although self-help does, indeed, help.

Become consciously aware of what sets off your anger—and take action. I’m deliberately trying to avoid the almost meaningless word “trigger” here. You have to start taking your own emotional temperature and snap to alert when you feel yourself getting angry; this is especially true if you are still in some kind of contact with your mother or extended family but the anger issue tends to extend far beyond the family of origin if you aren’t in charge of it.

Anger Essential Reads

Do You or Your Child Confuse Hatred and Anger?

7 Reasons We Are So Angry All the Time

Setting boundaries with others—being vocal about what can and cannot to be said to you and what behaviors are and aren’t acceptable—are part of taking action. But so is taking stock of your own reactivity and making sure that you are not hearing echoes of childhood where there are none.

Understand that anger feels like it gives you a sense of direction but it shuts down thinking. We have all made decisions when we’re angry and, yes, in the moment, it feels as though we are energized and thinking straight and clearly—but science knows otherwise. One specific study showed that being primed for anger prevented people from responding to lexical cues: Anger hijacks your ability to be consciously aware. Using deep breathing and other techniques can help you in these moments.

Reconsider discussion groups, websites, and media that focus on reactivity and anger. There is a lot of material out there on family dysfunction, maternal/paternal abuse, reasons for parental estrangement, and many discussion groups, of course. You need to be in charge of you and your anger management so I would counsel you to consider your experiences with each and every one. One person’s empowerment and validation is another’s descent into hot processing.

Deal with anger at the self. The most common complaint is the wasted time—most often years and decades of placating or looking for ways to repair the familial relationship—and it’s understandable. But recognition comes at its own pace and there isn’t any reason to be angry at yourself. You did what you could when you could. That’s a hard truth but it is a truth.

The observations in this post are drawn from my ongoing research and that of my books, Daughter Detox and Verbal Abuse.

Copyright (c) Peg Streep 2024.

To find a therapist, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.

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